For Good

One day, my friend Bergen was at my house chatting with me and said, “You know, you should really hire someone to come stay with you for the summer to help you when you have meetings and counseling appointments, and everything else you have going on. What about your cousin Tiffanie . . . she would be the perfect person for the job.”

My first thought was of what Tiffanie had done just the year before. She had spent the entire summer helping my Grandma, whose husband had just passed away. Tiffanie had already spent a summer with a widow . . . like she would want to come do that again! But the idea felt right, so I texted her.

By that night, she and I had made plans. She would come as soon as college was out for the summer and stay until school began again in the fall. It gave me something to look forward to. I was excited to have an extra set of hands, and it would also help me to do some fun things with the kids during the upcoming summer.

The week finally came when school was out. On the day she arrived, she brought her sister Taylor and our Grandma Berna because they all had tickets to go see the musical WICKED. At the last minute, Tiffanie’s mother, who was supposed to go with them, called to say she couldn’t make it. She told me that I could have her ticket if I wanted it. I was excited! I knew nothing about the show. I had never even heard any of the songs, but I was happy to take her place and spend a night out with the girls.

We drove downtown to the theater. I hated going downtown, and tried to avoid it at all costs. It always brought back memories: the hospital where Tytus was born, the grocery store where we’d stopped while I was in labor to get a doughnut for me before the hospital starved me. Emmett’s old office. The courthouse where I knew the dreaded trial would take place. Driving past all of these places always left a pit in my stomach. On the other hand, it was nice taking the drive with other people in the car, and driving there for a purpose other than something having to do with my past.

We finally came to the Opera House and found a parking spot. We made our way into the building. I saw a few people I knew, gave some hugs, and then we found our seats. It was relaxing to be in a building where everyone seemed so excited and content. I loved the energy I felt in that hall.

Soon the music started up and the lights were dimmed. The show began. I was mesmerized. The stage was bright, and the music was enchanting. It was like every care in MY world just disappeared as I listened to the story and got lost in the melodies. Everything inside me was calm, and in that moment, I forgot all the fears and pain that awaited me when reality would once again hit at the end of the play.

The story was about two girls who were never really meant to be friends. In fact, they hated each other. They were complete opposites. As the plot moves along, they end up becoming a great team to fight the corruption they saw around them.

Toward the end of the play, the main characters, Elphaba and Galinda, come to a crossroads, knowing they might be saying goodbye to each other for the last time. The music began . . . the first words were sung . . . and my tears began to fall . . .

For Good (from the Broadway Play Wicked)

I’m limited.

Just look at me.

I’m limited.

And just look at you.

You can do all I couldn’t do.

Glinda...

So now it’s up to you,

For both of us.

Now it’s up to you.

I’ve heard it said,

That people come into our lives

For a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are lead to those

Who help us most to grow if we let them.

And we help them in return.

Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true

But I know I’m who I am today

Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun,

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood.

Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better

But because I knew you.

I have been changed for good.

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime.

So, let me say before we part:

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you.

You’ll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart.

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you’ll have rewritten mine

By being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea.

Like a seed dropped by a sky bird

In a distant wood.

Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better

But because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good.

And just to clear the air

I ask forgiveness

For the things I’ve done,

You blamed me for.

But then,

I guess,

We know there’s blame to share.

And none of it seems to matter anymore.

Like a comet pulled from orbit

(Like a ship blown from its mooring)

As it passes a sun.

(By a wind off the sea)

Like a stream that meets a boulder

(Like a seed dropped by bird)

Halfway through the wood.

(In the wood)

Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better.

I do believe I have been changed for the better.

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you

I have been changed...

For good.

Tears fell down my cheeks, and with every note sung . . . I missed Emmett from the depths of my soul. I pictured us singing this duet. I could almost see him begging me to continue on, despite him being gone. I pictured him pleading with me to forgive him for all the things he had done, and for all the things he had left unsaid. I felt his arms surround me as I watched those characters sing to each other on the stage. I felt his love. I felt his regret. My heart ached for all the duets we would never sing, for all the love songs we had sung together . . . that were now in the past . . . and for all the songs he left me still singing . . . without him.

I could almost hear him begging me to carry on his journey, asking me to change others through the story of his pain, letting me know that he needed me now, more than ever, to continue his mission to do good on the earth. For the first time since he died, I realized that he DID need me, and he always had. All the anger I had been carrying seemed to disappear for the duration of the song, and all the good that he had been to me was brought to my remembrance.

I wasn’t sure that day if I had been changed for the better, but I knew that because I had known Emmett . . .  I had been changed for good.

He left me at a time when I doubted the reality of our love, and when I was questioning the purpose of my pain . . . but that didn’t mean he hadn’t changed me for the better. I couldn’t understand why he was gone. I don’t know that I will ever grasp why I had been left to find my way in this world without him . . . through a time when he was the one who held the key to healing me and answering all my doubts. I couldn’t understand why he had to be the sacrifice for someone else’s pain. I will never have the opportunity to hear him explain why he betrayed our marriage. His choices had brought me so much heartache, and his murder had shattered my dreams . . . but nonetheless, he had still left me with so much for which I could still be thankful. He gave me thousands of smiles. He gave me years of joy. We had times in our marriage when he made me feel like I was on top of the world. We laughed together as we struggled through years of school. We held on to each other through miscarriages and sickness. We held hands during the funerals of many of our beloved family members. We danced at many weddings. We created so many moments of love. We were blessed with unlimited blessings. He and I had built a life that I loved . . . and it was all still right in front of me. He gave me five beautiful children, whom I wouldn’t trade for anything. We created them together, in love. He changed me for the better, and even though he was gone . . . he touched my life while he was here.

Through the years, there have been many people who have changed me for good. Taylor and Grandma held my hands while I cried that night. Tiffanie would end up spending her entire summer changing me and the kids for good, being a support for us in our greatest time of need. It was more than just a summer job of changing diapers, helping children across the street, and blowing up water wings. It was the moments when she helped us to stand . . .  when all we could do was stumble without her help. She has always been one of my best friends, but that summer . . . Tiffanie was my Angel.

My journey has been full of Angels . . . some who can be seen with my eyes, and others who I can only feel with my heart. But there hasn’t been a moment when I haven’t felt them near.

Sometimes people come into our lives for only a moment, sometimes they come and stay for a while. And then there are those who leave us way too soon. When they go, all we have left are the memories of how we have been changed because of them.  Whoever they are, and whatever they bring . . . our paths cross for a reason. And, for every soul who has touched yours, you have made a difference to them as well.

Every life is made up of a series of impacts . . . a list of moments when others interact with us. We cannot avoid them. Some will be blessings in our lives and others will be more like collisions, that will leave us injured and damaged. Sometimes, you will be the one to impact another person. Other times, it will be someone who will impact you. It is our responsibility to make sure our impact on others will be for good. It is up to us as well, to find the faith to overcome those moments when the impact of others on us has left us broken.

Each of these moments are what create your history. Make sure you leave a legacy worth telling. Live your life as if every moment of impact you have on another person will be your last. Don’t breeze through your days without taking the time to make each day count, for good.

Every soul you meet has a purpose. Everyone you shake hands with has a story. Every story is based on an individual’s attempts to build positive relationships. Every moment that touches your life . . . has meaning. Find it. We are not put together by accident, and even when we are forced to part . . . it is for reasons much greater than we will ever comprehend. Sometimes, there are new roads we are being asked to travel. There are lessons in every story, morals at the end of every day. There is still good to be found. We cannot write our stories alone. It is up to each soul we touch, and each spirit that finds ours . . .  to write our stories together. Every person you meet will leave something for you, and you will leave behind memories for them. Each moment of impact will define who we will become. Make a difference in those moments when others are falling . . . and search for strength in those moments when you must stand. Every impact . . . every second of your history will be part of YOUR story. Each time your life is touched, you can be changed for good.

[1]From the Broadway Musical Wicked, with music and lyrics by Stephen Schwartz and a book by Winnie Holzman. The musical is based on the 1995 Gregory Maguire novel Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West, a parallel novel of the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz based on the classic story of the same title by L. Frank Baum.