Single

A few days after Emmett’s funeral, I had a doctor’s appointment. I sat in the office waiting for someone to come in and speak with me. As the door opened, I was expecting to see my usual nurse, but instead, in walked a woman I had never seen before. She looked so casual and calm and asked, “What is it that you are here for today?” 

“Well,” I said. “I would like to have my IUD removed.” She glanced quickly through my chart. “It looks like you just barely had it put in . . . like a week ago. Is there a reason you don’t like it?” 

I took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “Well, actually, a few days after I came in here to have it put in, my husband died . . . so . . . I just will not be needing it.” 

She glanced up from my chart, and asked “Then what are you going to be using?”

I looked into her eyes with an inquisitive glare. “Um . . . well, I am not going to be using anything.”

This conversation must have been a new one for this poor nurse. “I am just worried that you might not want to take it out,” she said. “Have you thought about keeping it in as your form of birth control? Should we discuss the other forms of protection we offer here before you make your decision?”

Again, I tried to make my point clear. “Well . . . like I said, my husband passed away, and I am no longer in need of birth control, so that is why I am here . . . to take OUT my IUD.”

The baffled look on her face made it clear she was doubtful of what I had just said. “Are you ready to get pregnant already . . . looks like you just had a baby about two months ago?”

This time she had to understand. “So . . . I am a single mother now, my baby is not quite two months old. I have four other children all under the age of six . . . I am no longer married . . . and I will not be having sex, because I am . . . not married . . . I . . . am . . .  I am single.” 

As the words slipped out of my lips, I got a pit in my stomach. Single. I was now a single woman, a place I never thought I would be again. I had not even considered my recent step into widowhood as a catapult throwing me back into the realms of single life. Just seven years earlier, I had pictured my wedding day as the moment I overcame the obstacle of being a single woman, but here I was again . . . and this time, the odds of ending another period of being single were even less in my favor.  

Sitting in that doctor’s office, and fighting the nurse about birth control, was an eye-opener for me. I had some work to do. The morals I held as a single adult before my marriage to Emmett were still just as important to me now, as they were back then. I was a single woman again, but this time . . . I was dragging behind me five beautiful additions. 

As I drove home from my appointment, I pictured walking into a singles’ ward at church carrying Tytus in his car seat on one arm, Kaleeya on my hip, and my other three children waddling behind me. I chuckled to myself as I pictured all the eyes that would turn their gaze toward me . . . not as an inappropriate “check-out” . . . but to watch my circus entering the building. Yes, a singles’ ward sounded like it would be a lot of entertainment . . . but it probably wasn’t the crowd I was looking for. I might have become a single woman again, but the single life I once knew was far from where I was now. 

One night, a few weeks later, I got a crazy idea that I should go looking around in Emmett’s e-mail account. It seemed like it would be a nice break from going through his box of crap in the garage. Since receiving his e-mail and password for Facebook, I figured it would be easy to get into his g-mail account and see what it contained.  

My heart was racing. I felt like I was a high school girl again . . . driving by a cute boy’s house. I slowly typed in the username and password. It worked!  I looked around me to make sure no one was watching, as if I were doing something sneaky. The list of recent e-mails pulled up. Many of them were messages he had received on his Facebook account after his death. Some of them I had read, and others were new. 

I kept scrolling down . . . searching for any juicy e-mails from the days before he died. I just knew the e-mails I was searching for had to have some new information for me. I kept scrolling, and scanning the names from whom the e-mails were sent. 

KANDI! And there it was. The first of any saved e-mails I had seen from Kandi. I opened it. It was a picture of her, in what looked like her daughter's high school prom dress. That wasn’t what I was looking for. I wanted the meat of the case. I wanted to see hate mail from Rob and love letters from Kandi. I craved to see the ugly facts with my own eyes, so my heart could shut the book that was permanently waiting on its shelf to be read. I needed real closure.  

I kept scrolling. His account was strewn with singles’ websites. Singles? Dating? It hadn’t crossed my mind that there could have been more women than her. I had secretly hoped her spell was the only thing that had made his eye wander. 

That night, I came to know even more about the man I had loved, who was now gone. He didn’t have just one stupid affair with a woman he thought could help him progress in his career. No, he had been out searching for more women! 

This time, my detective work did not bring me the peace for which I was hoping. It stirred up new emotions within me. 

Single life . . . was that really the path he was seeking?  

I was sitting alone at a computer . . .  still trying to do the impossible—save a marriage that no longer existed. And while Emmett had had all that I still craved . . . he was looking for something else. Something less! It didn’t make sense to me. What part of this lonely life of being single did he find so appealing? 

Before I met Emmett, I had a lot of experience with being single. It was a title I can’t say I would ever search for again. I had some great times as a single adult, but there was nothing about it that appealed to me as an alternative to the safety I felt in being committed in marriage. 

Now, I found myself forced back into the single life, which before my marriage, I had spent so much time . . . trying to “overcome.” 

In my young single years, I can remember many dates I had with lots of different types of men. A few times, I even thought I had found “the one.” The minute I felt like “I could see myself with this guy,” I would plan out our life in my mind. I threw my heart in before the guy even asked for it. 

I would put so much thought into the idea of being with him, that I no longer held the power over my own happiness. I would sit by my phone . . . and its silence would shatter my night . . .  or my month, for that matter. At that time, my ultimate feeling of self-worth could come from a phone call . . . or could be destroyed by the lack thereof. 

In the end, a few of “the one”s never did call again. It wouldn’t just break my heart, it would cause me to doubt myself and my worth. I spent many weekends in a state of depression because of the lack of a promised call. Why? In that moment, when my feelings of self-worth were at an all-time low, I truly believed I had lost my chance at love. If that boy didn’t call back after the first date, somehow I was no longer beautiful or lovable. Somehow, I would never be enough.  

Then with the ones who did call back. . . I would find reasons why they weren’t good enough for me, and I would push them away. Sometimes it would be as stupid as hating the shoes he wore, or that I couldn’t stand the fact that his mother still did his laundry for him. I didn’t like the fact that he spent more time on his hair than I did, or that he was too quiet . . . or too loud. The list of stupid reasons for which I would push guys away was longer than the number of first dates who never called again. 

Unfortunately, between those two types of dating experiences, I found myself allowing my view of myself to come from my experiences with men. I didn’t have enough self-worth to keep myself from allowing the missed phone calls, or the stupid shoes, from determining if I was happy or not. I believed my happiness was based on the perfection others found in me. I needed them to tell me I was worth their time, before I allowed myself to be worth my own time. 

Some of us, as singles, spend our days walking around looking for Mr. Right. Instead of becoming “right” ourselves, we look for him on the outside and hope he can generate a belief of our worth, which we can’t seem to find in ourselves. Until Emmett came into my life, I walked around secretly hoping I was on the right sidewalk at school to lead me to my Mr. Perfect. Every morning, I got ready just in case I ran into him. I went to the grocery store to buy healthy foods so I would be perfect for him. I went to the gym so I would have the type of body he was looking for. Most of my decisions were not made for me, but for the imaginary dream boy for whom I was searching. 

And when I found him, it WAS perfect. He believed in me, he told me I was special, and he adored everything I did. My worth was safe, and my fears of rejection seemed to be in the past. 

The night Emmett died, it was much more than just automatically getting thrown back into singlehood. Once again, I had to face all those fears that Emmett had calmed. I didn’t want to be single. I didn’t know how to find worth in myself because I had used him as my gauge if ever I wondered if I was a good person, a good mom, or a good wife. And up until about three months before he died . . . it had worked! He believed in me. He encouraged me, and he lifted my feelings of self-worth higher and higher. 

Being single again was daunting. Sitting at that computer reading notes from a singles’ website changed something inside of me. He had been searching for others to fill the void in his view of his worth. That was crazy to me, especially as his wife who had done my very best to let him know of his worth. And yet, hadn’t I been searching and waiting for him to fill the void I had within myself? Wasn’t that just as crazy? Did he really need other women to give him his sense of worth? Did I really need a husband to let me know that I was a wonderful person?

Now was my chance to search, but not for another single person to tell me that I was enough. It was my turn to search for myself. Who was Ashlee? What does Ashlee want, and who is Ashlee supposed to become? Questions raged inside me, helping me look past the loneliness of singlehood and fueling the desire to know who I really was. Being married could not be what defined who Ashlee was anymore. I had to remember—for the first time in my life—who God had sent me to earth to be, and who I really was.

It wasn't Emmett that had made me great. It was ME. His words, though they were encouraging, were not what I needed anymore. He was gone. I was single, and I wanted to become okay with the single life that had come back upon me. I vowed to myself that I would never again let another person determine my happiness. I knew I had a long road ahead of me. I knew that one day, I would have to do the things I had done in my past as a single person. It didn’t have to be scary, it didn’t have to be lonely . . . because this time around, I wasn’t going to look for anyone to tell me something I didn’t already know on my own. 

Being single offered a new view for me. I didn’t need to let my happiness be determined by a phone call or a date. I was going to be happy being single. I figured it would be years before I decided to head down the road of commitment again, but until that time, I was going to make the most of my life. In the past, my desire for marriage had always driven my choices. Where to live and who to be was driven by the hope of finding “the one.” Even a walk to school could become an imagined heavenly intervention for me to find Mr. Right. Don’t get me wrong, I know Heavenly Father helps our paths cross with those who can bring us joy, but constantly seeking it, is not a way to live. What I wish I had known then as a young single adult, which I know now, is to just live. Find happiness in yourself and not in a phone call that does or does not come. Happiness is inside of you. It’s not a gift that comes in the form of another person. Yes they can increase the happiness we have, but it cannot be another person that creates it.

Search for the man who is compatible with you, as you are right now. Search for a girl who can sacrifice and forgive and work hard. Find a partner who can complete you. Quit waiting for an imaginary perfect being, because even if you find him or her, what will he or she see in you? I know we want what we want, but we must seek what the Lord wants for us. He knows the qualities that will bring you lasting happiness . . . and they aren’t usually measured by the world’s standards. Find the standard that the Lord has set.

Your future doesn’t have to hold riches for it to be wonderful. You might be blessed with an amazing person who adores and cherishes you, who is merely just “an apple picker.” Happiness is not promised, it is achieved through hard work. If that apple picker puts God above him or herself, and can sacrifice and encourage and be kind, then those are the things that will really matter in the end. 

Looks can be shattered in a moment. Cars will crash, houses can burn, diseases can cripple, and bullets can fire. Money can be spent, investments can go bad, and cars can be taken away. What really matters is what is inside a person.  Look deeper than the surface.

They may not be the star basketball player your mom always told you to find; they may not have ever been invited to step onto a runway . . . but these imperfect single people who are right where you are . . . maybe all they need is for you to let them in. Maybe then, you will see how amazing they are. 

It is true, you have to be attracted to a person. What attractions are holding you back from meeting the right one? What standards have you set for the person you seek that will never be realized? If you are a single adult, now is your time to put both feet in. Be you . . . maybe that won’t be enough for everyone . . . but let it be enough for yourself. 

Until you realize that the true kind of love will only come when you are true to yourself, you will push them away.  Be you, and if they walk away, at least it is you they are leaving and not a pretend person you were trying to be. If they let you go when you are yourself, at least they leave you standing. If it is the other person holding you up, you will fall. Standing tall as yourself is a lot easier than being crushed into a million pieces and gluing the broken bits back together. 

You may find that even after you have found yourself, people still leave. That’s okay, because if they don’t see you now, they never will. Before you commit to your dream spouse, become the person you always dreamed you would be. But if you have found someone who truly sees you, even when you can’t see yourself . . . it’s okay to let him in too. He might see the part of you you’re trying to hide, and still not walk away. 

What if we get rejected? What if we aren’t enough? I can promise you, that at some point in our lives, we will all face rejection. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but someday you might not measure up for someone you care about. So what? Who cares? You are still the same person you started as. It doesn’t mean you turn on yourself as well.

Rejection, and suffering losses don’t just come to those of us who have been married. A loss can be as simple as that phone call that never comes. Rejection can be interpreted as being anytime our desires are not met. Feelings of serious loss, betrayal, and confusion can cloud your mind. The stages of grief can come from the loss of a love you once thought was going to be yours, even if it was just one date. As single adults—single, divorced, or widowed—there are many lonely nights and many depressing days. We cannot let them define who we think we are. Those nights when you feel you are suffering alone, seek peace from a God who is always there. He knows you are suffering alone, let Him join you and remind you of the worth He sees in you. 

Spend less time worrying about your checklist for others and more time figuring out what qualities on the list you want to develop. So he doesn’t ever call you back, or friend you on Facebook? What matters is that you are true to the ‘you’ God made you to be. It would be easy to pretend to be someone you are not, but in the end, you will forget who you really are. Be you, and let it be enough. It is only you that can find the mission you were sent to this earth to fulfill.

Single life before Emmett, was just a search for the “one” to help me progress. Once he was gone and I realized I must still find a way to move forward, my eyes became open to a new view of being a single adult. I was not the little girl who was searching for reassurance; I was an adult searching for myself. I knew being single would be a different experience this time around, but I was determined to just have faith. I couldn’t wait around for someone to hold me up. All I had was myself, my family, and God. I was a single mom who was not going to fall. I had to stand.

Being single can suck. Love can be hard. But love for yourself and for another is what life is all about. Don’t let anyone break you. Don’t let another person determine if you smile. That phone call wasn’t meant to be. Let it go. Cling to the things you can control, and let the others go. Ready or not, love might come your way, but you must remember who you are. 

Being single is not a punishment or a sentence. It is a time in our lives when we get to put our needs first. It is a time to reflect upon the person we want to be; and a chance for us to realize that who we are is enough for Him. 

We hear stories about rejection and loss, and it almost furthers our cause to just remain single forever. Mine is one of those stories. Emmett’s choices and Rob’s anger put me in a state of raw rejection and serious loss: the loss of a life I loved, the loss of the life I thought I had, the loss of the love I had shared so deeply, and the loss of any sign of true commitment. A perfect storm for a recipe of a life of forever being single. . . Right? 

Before March 11, 2011, if you were to tell me that I would have to tread through a pain so immeasurable . . . I would have run away. I had heard simple version of stories like mine, and sworn that there was no way I would still be breathing. I didn’t know I could do hard things . . . until they were done.  

As I stand today, I can see that even through that hell storms . . . I am still the same person I was before, but with even more strength and belief in myself. 

You might get rejected, you might even lose at love . . . but what do you really have to lose, if you don’t have it right now? 

 I lost everything in love, but here I am. Yes, it still hurts sometimes. It still brings me to my knees every single day. I still cry, I still have doubts . . . but I am still me. If changing my past meant not having my five children and the relationship I’ve developed with my Heavenly Father as He sent Angels to lift me up, I wouldn’t change anything. My past embodies the fears of all the singles who are afraid of commitment. Don’t let your fears of losing, stop you from loving. The love that surrounds me today is stronger than any I have ever known, even though the losses I have endured have hurt more deeply than any I could have imagined. 

Set standards for yourself, and don’t waver. Set expectations for your future lover, but don’t get so set on who they are supposed to be . . . that you cannot see them. If you are too busy staring at your list, you will miss seeing the qualities that are uniquely theirs. Strive to be the best you, and hope for the best them . . . and then when you find each other, and you both seem to fall short . . . Let God fill in the gaps. He believes in marriage. He believes in love. He cries when we do; and He hurts when we hurt.  Marriage is hard; love can hurt . . . but so can being alone. 

Maybe you have never had a second date in your life. So what if you have never had the passionate embrace of a first kiss? Maybe your dream boy has always been in your view, but has never asked you out. Maybe your perfect girl has been your best friend all along, but you have been too busy watching all the other girls who walk by her. Where ever you are, if you are not in a serious relationship . . . you are single. You may feel alone, but you are not. There are so many of us who have sat home alone, single, wishing for a life that we righteously desired. Don’t give up on love . . . but even more importantly . . . please don’t give up on yourself. God believes in marriage, and he created love . . . but he also created us. Even if you have never loved, or never do . . . he believes in you.