To my broken friend on Valentine’s Day

To my broken friend on Valentine’s Day,

About a few times every week I get an email from one of you asking me the same question, “How do you learn to trust again?” So today I would like to talk about that, and explore some thoughts for you to ponder as you walk down that journey of finding trust again—ultimately your pathway to forgiveness.

Whatever we go through in life, there will be times when people do things—despite who we are—to lead us to question if we should trust. Infidelity and murder might be extreme cases, that you haven’t personally had to go through, but the concept of trusting another human being has, or will, most likely come into question at some point in your life.

For the purposes of exploring different concepts—and knowing we all have our own experiences—I am going to be talking about some of the extreme cases that I have encountered, or others have shared with me . . . and how they have effected us. It is my prayer that as you read this, the spirit will guide you on how you can remember your truths, and be able to apply them to your desire of seeking trust after you have been wronged deeply by someone you love.

As a woman in her third marriage, I can say for sure . . . this was not my plan. Devotion and fidelity have been strengths I have carried through all of the relationships I have been in, but I haven’t always been blessed to get that back. Reflecting on those times—when I found out about affairs, or caught, the one person who was supposed to be protecting me, doing things against that promise—every time it cut me deep, left me wondering what about me made them choose to look somewhere else for what I was willingly giving with love. I have spent a lot of time battling that fear—that something was just wrong with me. Many days I carried the blame—of another person’s choices—on my own shoulders . . . thinking that maybe if I was something different, they would have loved me as much as I was willing to love.

Then one day it hit me—it wasn’t about me.  Sharing those fears outloud, has not only helped me heal, those experiences have lead me to create relationships with thousands of others who have been there too. Each one of us at one time or another feeling alone, isolated, and forgotten, but eager to hear that others know the pain we thought only we had felt.

Over the years I have interviewed hundreds of people who have dealt with this sort of betrayal, most of the stories with common themes—even down to the words that were yelled at them during the darkest days—of fear, pain, and extreme heart ache. Each of them expressing how those words filled with so much hate and darkness—made them feel so small. Crazy—every single one of them felt crazy; the blame always shifting to them when they would ask for answers. Alone. Scared. Hopeless. Worthless. Depressed. Triggered by PTSD. Afraid to go into public. Hideous. Fat. Panic attacks. Suicidal thoughts. Lack of faith. Crippling fear. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Every story completely unique—yet so similar.

Many have shared, “I just wish I could have saved him.” “I just wish I could have changed so (s)he would have seen me.” “I just wish I could be the person I was before I found out. I am broken now.” “I must not have been good enough.” “Well she was younger than me . . .” “I still wonder if he ever did love me.” “Now I have to be a detective to make sure he isn’t out doing things he shouldn’t”  “My life is over . . . and everything I have done is a waste.” “I can’t look at myself in the mirror.” “I am in a fog.” “I have never felt so alone.” “My world went black when I heard the truth.” Men and women full of fear and now so insecure, because they were forgotten—they were not protected; no matter how devoted, loving, and supportive they had been—their life was now changed by the actions of another person, and yet they had come to believe it was all their fault.

And this is where the hope becomes a challenge—you step out ready and wanting to love, and then your fear tells you to retreat . . . tries to remind you of the times when your power has been taken from you. Your PTSD—and yes this a real thing and not just in military survivors who were in combat—kicks in and showers you with panic. What if  becomes your constant companion, and you start to believe that you just no longer have what it takes—to trust, to love, to be open and vulnerable, to let down your guard—to let someone in.

So here is the secret many of us have finally learned. Through my own detective years . . . and now removed from it all, but hearing the same stories over and over we are finding a common thread. The ones who are thriving have begun to believe in forgiveness—not to save the other person . . . but to save their selves. We aren’t here to save each other. We are here to be the best version of ourselves, and not everyone is going to protect that. Some people aren’t even going to be capable of seeing how amazing we are—or seeing us at all. Not because of anything we do, or don’t do . . . but because of their own personal insecurities, fears, and bad choices. We have to let them own it. We have to stop taking on their struggles as if they were ours, because the minute we do—we become worthless, and that my friend is the lie. If we live in the lies . . . how can we trust ourselves again, let alone anyone else trying to come and see the good in us? We want someone to love us, but we forget to love ourselves.

Being able to trust another human being is a personal ability we all have—nobody can take that away from us . . . though many will try. Narcissists exist, selfishness is real, and there will be those we care about who don’t care back, but they CANNOT take away our ability to love—and to trust again. There will be moments when love will be one sided—there might be a time when God asks you to stop putting your love out for someone, because He knows that your gift could be used better somewhere else—spending time remembering how to just love yourself, or He might lead you to a person who will honor that ability you have willingly been giving.

Forgiveness is the how . . . and it takes empathy and faith, and a whole heck of a lot of love. Forgiveness doesn’t have to include letting an abuser back into your world . . . but it does include letting yourself back in. It might not lead to that person ever seeing you, or the hurt they caused, but it gives you permission to see yourself and the powerful being that has been strong through a storm. You start to let go of the fear and for the first time see yourself as a brave survivor instead of a worthless victim—believing in all the good you are capable of, and letting go of all the lies that told you: if you were different this wouldn’t have happened.

So here is the bottom line. It wasn’t about you. Don’t let another person’s choices stop you from moving forward on all the paths you have tried to walk before—or the new ones that have been paved. You are worthy of kindness, love, and being seen for all the wonderful things that you are, but it has to start with you. Let yourself back in—have your back even when nobody else does. You are freaking awesome. This wasn’t your fault—and it does not change your worthiness of trying again.

Sometimes people just don’t see you. And that’s ok. You are too precious to be forgotten. So remember . . . you are enough. Say it out loud a million times today until it is all you can think about. Your worth is great in the sight of God. Your being is important to Him. Your life—your fears, your joy—matter to Him.  Go to Him in prayer, He will help you. He will send you what you need, and in many of these cases, we have been surprised at moments of exactly what that was, but as we have trusted in not only ourselves, but in God . . . we have found that light again.

If you are living in the darkness of another person’s shadow, today give yourself permission to step out into the light. They didn’t break you—they just spent a lot of time showing you how broken they were. Today you get to start living free of those chains . . . because they were never yours to carry anyway. Each of us has a Savior, and He will never ask us to do His job. We cannot force another person to use the power of grace, but—with Him—we are always capable of using it in our own story.  

To the brave survivors on this Valentine’s Day—you are not alone. You are way more than broken—you are brave. Trust that truth and it will become part of the stepping-stones to free you from the shadows. Your gifts are not dependent on the receiver . . . they will always be worthy of giving again. Get yourself a box of chocolates this year and celebrate your ability to love.

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Can't wait to see all of you brave survivors on March 1st. A Reason to Stand .org for tickets and more information. 

There is hope

I have received many messages from people asking me what my story is. So if you are new here—welcome—and let me take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Ashlee. I am a mother to five kids (13,13,11,9, and 7 years old). The Moments We Stand is the name of my blog that started as a healing journal for me after a month long murder trial didn’t lead me to the peace, I spend almost two years, imagining it would. 

After the birth of our fifth child my husband Emmett was shot two times—once in the heart and once in the forehead—by the husband of a secret mistresses I didn’t know he had. I spent the next two years waiting to take a breath as the murder trail got pushed back month after month. As the trial finally ended, I realized the magnitude of the chains I was wrapped in. I had become a victim—literally on the bench in a courtroom and by the fears in my own mind. Then one day God gave me a gift. He asked me to own my story. To write my fears and vulnerably share my insecurities with anyone who asked me how it felt. And that is the mission I have been on ever since. Seven years later I am a remarried, divorced, widow on a mission to help others know they are not alone, find their worth, and remember their truths. And guess what? I am happy. Widowhood, divorce, parenting, remarriage, and murder are not the things that make me who I am—they are just parts of my story. Who I am is a daughter of God who has learned so many lessons—on a path I didn’t choose—that was created just for me, to help me keep striving to become the best version of who God sent me here to be. I am enough. And so are you. Whatever your story, whatever dark paths you have walked—YOU are loved, valuable, unique, and YOU are enough. Heavenly Father makes no mistakes and I believe if we remember Christ on all the paths we walk—our story will be filled with His grace. 

We can be a light no matter how much darkness we have had to endure. You can find my story on my blog or books. Start at the beginning! I hope you feel the grace that has been part of your journey as you read about mine. Miracles, are real, they don’t always take away the pain, but they always bring the light! There is hope. 

Forgiveness

Are you there?

So even after all these years of blending our families, Shawn and I still don’t have this marriage thing all figured out. There are times when we struggle with trust issues. Trust is one of—if not—THE MOST important foundation of a healthy marriage, yet one so hard to build after it has eroded.

We still struggle monthly, weekly, daily—even by the hour at times— trusting one another, trying to heal from the trust that has been broken—and often times its not even by the person in front of us.

So we found ourselves on that path again last night, and what could have—and should have—been a relatively easy conversation . . . turned into a fear driven insecurity fest. One of us defending . . . one accusing . . . neither one healing. We were getting nowhere, and fast.

Soon, I gave up and shut down—all the while sitting in my silence, wishing he would just see the truth. I took a break from my frustrations and said a little prayer—at first asking God to change Shawn’s heart, help him to see things MY way.

After my prayer I secretly waited and hoped for the apology I felt I deserved, but soon I found myself telling him all the reasons I loved him—all the things I—had and—was always going to do to protect our marriage, and then asked him if he ever prayed for clarity when trust issues were clouding his view.

He said, “It doesn’t really matter anyway . . . God doesn’t ever hear me. He doesn’t answer MY prayers.” There it was. His fear was that God not only didn’t answer his prayers, but He didn’t even hear them.

A statement I knew in my heart was a lie.

I looked into his big blue eyes and said, “So I want you to think about something . . .

For the past few months Bostyn has been begging for a hamster. And for months we have been saying no. Once Christmas lists started being made—talk of the hamster only increased. It was the only thing she wanted for Christmas. She even spent hours researching facts about hamster breeds and their care—and presented her case in an informal debate against you. Even after all of that . . . we still said no. But then she just kept asking and asking and asking. Each moment of begging, breaking you down a little more until yesterday you went out and bought her an early Christmas present and had it all set up to surprise her when we got home. Not because you wanted a hamster, but because you listened to a little girl who you finally saw as ready for the responsibility— and the blessing— of owning her own pet.

I don’t think prayer is much different. Not that we have to break Heavenly Father down . . . but we do have to show him our willingness to work hard, research, look at all the options, and consistently show him that we are humble enough to keep asking for what we want—and that we have righteous desires we know He can help us achieve. But we can’t do any of it without His help.

And just like us—He is a parent who wants to help His children find happiness. And though I don’t know that buying Bostyn a hamster makes us good parents, . . . I do know that today we listened to one of her desires. But how many times did she have to tell us how important it was to her—before we really took her seriously? 100? If you want answers . . . or blessings, or to overcome struggles, you have to keep asking. He might not send the answer the first 10 or 100 times you ask . . . but I know when you are ready, He will bring you the answers you need to feel peace.”

Prayer is real. It is a direct communication we can have with our Creator. It is a gift we were given way before we came here. And it is—without a doubt—a two-way conversation. So if you have tried it—and didn’t hear back, don’t give up just yet. You might have a few more times to try before your true humility shows through.

Prayer is not something we can do with the expectation of a certain outcome—it is an act of faith that we perform to show God we trust His timing, and we need His help. It is an act of humility—letting go of any pride that we think we can do this life on our own.

Fear is the opposite of faith. Trust issues are fears—of the past and future—brewed together creating chaos. The antidote to fears of the past and future—is faith in the present—faith in the plan that got you here.

So make today count—and never stop asking God for His hand in your life. It might just surprise you what path He has in store . . . to lead you back to Him.

Happy Thanksgiving from our crew (that are all growing way too fast)...

Healing Trauma Challenge: Day 17

A few words can make all the difference. Three phrases that can help us step out of victimhood in our relationships and take a higher road to healing. Challenge: Add these words into your vocabulary: "I was wrong." "I am sorry" and "Please forgive me."

He already has

Sometimes my heart hurts. It used to be because of my own pain and embracing my own reality. Now my heart hurts for those I have to watch walk paths I have had to walk—spouses who have experienced infidelity or friends who have had to go through the death of a loved one. So many times in the last few years I have wished I could just do it all again—in their place—instead of watching them have to suffer. I see them struggle, and genuinely wish I could save them and take away the hurt.

So tonight I just wanted to share how grateful I am that we have a Savior; that—though we cannot take away another's pain—we know that they can make it through. For it is not our strength that will ease another's burdens and help them find their journey to healing . . . it is Christ.

And every path He leads us down to be His hands, or to see with His eyes, is a gift we get to be apart of. And He has given us each other to physically stand in His place at times. Tonight I am grateful for that miracle. That the Savior of the world will save us all . . . from each other, from the darkness, and even save us from ourselves at times. He is there. ALWAYS. All we have to do is reach out our hand and He will help us take that first step to standing.

So many hurting in a broken world. We cannot save everyone. But Christ can . . . and He already has.

We watched this video tonight as a family...

DEAR TRAUMA

Embedded

“Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an of expression of love”

-Gary Chapman

I have glass  embedded in my body. There is glass in my eyelids, on the side of my face, my scalp, and in my forearms. The windshield of my SUV crumbled into a million little pieces during my car accident. Mixed with dirt and gravel you get some nasty road rash. I still remember the nurse in the ER running a steal wool like tool across my injuries to get as much of it out before cleaning and dressing my wounds. I later asked the plastic surgeon why they did not go in and dig out every piece from my body. He explained that it would just cause more scaring and that my body would eventually shed the glass naturally. He proved to be correct for some of the larger pieces. Over the years at unexpected moments glass has worked its way to the surface of my skin and broken free of its prison.

However, it is 21 years later and I still have pieces of glass in my body and I know where every single one is.

I can run my fingers along my skin and feel where they are held captive. I often wonder how long will I keep each shard? Will they always be there to serve as a reminder of what I survived? Will I keep these foreign visitors until the day I die?

Earlier this year I spoke at a conference on forgiveness. I shared my story of the last 20 yrs along with some of the spiritual tools that I have found useful on my journey. It was a good experience. I came away from the conference feeling centered in God’s love and ready to take on what life had to offer.

Then it happened

Not but 2 days after the conference I received news that would put everything I had just taught to the test. It was the kind of life changing news that would cause me to forget everything I knew of forgiveness

I was overwhelmed by the weight of the responsibility that had just fallen on my shoulders. The life altering legal decisions I had to make for myself and my children. I found myself telling God “I did not sign up to be a mother under these conditions.” Asking the question “Why me?” and “How am I suppose to do this?” To intensify the pressure of the situation I discovered I had not dealt with some past experiences entirely. Old emotions erupted like a volcano that had been dormant. Filled with grief, anger, sadness, and feelings of abandonment. I found myself lost and in a fog.

Ironic.

So ironic that it was comical. I had just stood up and declared myself a “survivor” of these events, yet I still clung to anger and bitterness. Just as I still had glass embedded in my body, I found sharp painful emotions enclosed within my soul. Had I done work on these in the past? Yes. Like the glass, perhaps the “bigger issues” had worked their way to the surface but I was surprised to discover lingering pieces of darkness embedded in my heart and mind.

There I was. Faced with a choice. Fall into victimhood mentality or find forgiveness. Like a pendulum I found myself swinging back and forth on a daily basis.

It became clear that I needed a miracle. I petitioned my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to intervene. I needed help to remove the negativity from my soul with the least amount of scaring. I knew it could be done. I had experienced it in the past and believed that it was possible again. It just felt impossible at the moment.

And then the miracle came. The first weekend in April I heard this:

“One key to forgiving others is to try to see them as God sees them. At times, God may part the curtain and bless us with the gift to see into the heart, soul, and spirit of another person who has offended us. This insight may even lead to an overwhelming love for that person.”- Kevin R. Duncan

I started to pray to see this person the way God sees us. It wasn’t long before small moments of compassion and understanding began to wash over me in my daily life. I began to feel acceptance of this new situation in my heart. Hope. Peace. I remembered the overwhelming love and light I was met with in heaven and I know that if this individual were to be in the same position I was 21 years ago, they would have been met in kind. It came down to one simple practice: remembering. I just needed to step back and remember who I was. A divine daughter of God. When I stand in that space and energy I feel God’s love, not the worlds love. And with God all things are possible. Forgiveness becomes possible. Grace seems possible.

 Forgiveness requires small daily commitments. A conscious choice to engage in a partnership with God.  I don’t wake up every morning and think “I am a divine daughter of God”, and leap out of bed like a shiny bright care bear ready to love the world! Instead my mind is usually flooded with my to do list. Or I am met with a grievance of one of my children. Yet I have faith that if I can just remember who I am,  all the anger, bitterness, and pain will come to the surface and leave me.

Everyday I will have to choose. I will continue to be hurt and have to practice forgiveness in small and large ways. Even just today I faced another crushing heartbreak, but I know that because I choose to remember, I choose the grace of God. Grace means “divine means of help”.  I am literally choosing to accept all the help heaven has to offer. Heavenly Father is eager to help me, but He does not work by force. He will not bless me with what I will not receive.

“All that is of God encompasses love, light, and truth. Yet as human beings we live in a fallen world, sometimes full of darkness and confusion. It comes as no surprise that mistakes will be made, injustices will occur, and sins will be committed. As a result, there is not a soul alive who will not, at one time or another, be the victim to someone else’s careless actions, hurtful conduct, or even sinful behavior. That is one thing we all have in common. Gratefully, God, in His love and mercy for His children, has prepared a way to help us navigate these sometimes turbulent experiences of life. He has provided an escape for all who fall victim to the misdeeds of others. He has taught us that we can forgive! Even though we may be a victim once, we need not be a victim twice by carrying the burden of hate, bitterness, pain, resentment, or even revenge. We can forgive, and we can be free!”

- Kevin R. Duncan

How will I remember? How will I find freedom?  Notes on my mirror, meditation, praying, serving, and loving others. It will be a hundred little things. Mostly I will petition my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for grace and do all I can to be open to receive it. Plus every time I run hand across my face or fold my arms to pray.  I will feel the glass in my body. It will serve as a reminder of the work left to do. Like the glass, one day it will all work it’s way to the surface and I will be free.

Post originally written on: Always Annie

and published here with permission