That is officially my longest title ever written on this blog. haha. But I wanted to invite any of you who have children who have gone through a traumatic event . . . we want to unite with you. I had an experience this week, I will share in this group, that not all parents would relate to, and thinking about the next steps for the non profit I want to unite some of the survivors on a little more personal levels and intimate ways. So this group will be closed and private and just for parents who need a team who get it, parenting in the new normal . . . and helping their kids work through grief and pain.
A Reason to Stand: for kids
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A place for parents, with children who have been through traumatic events, to unite and help each other through this different type of parenting. Givi...
Karen shares that there is a message and a miracle in every storm . Parenting advise that just might change the way you view our fight as a mother or father.
Her journey of divorce, betrayal, and helping your children connect to their one source of light...Christ. As Karen learned to step back, she saw that what her son needed was a cheerleader, he already had a Savior.
What does it mean to be real? We live in a world full of
noise—everywhere we turn there is a new model of what yesterdays “cool” was. Every
minute something new is created and marketed to us as if it was as important as
the air we breathe. We are left wondering if we will ever be able to afford to
fit in—if we will ever really catch up.
Many days we walk around like a chicken with its head cut
off trying to figure out which way is up—seeking to know what we should want to
buy, and who we should strive to be—a consumer society that has trained us to
never feel enough. Our kids tell us they are “the only person they know who has
to live without it”, and our screens tell us that we must obtain to find
happiness.
Pictures are altered to perfection. Lives are portrayed as
flawless. Social media is our addiction, but with every swipe we wonder why we
just can’t measure up. We know it isn’t real, but still set our sights to one
day achieve it—a picture perfect, calm, steady, always thriving, always
successful, always beautiful life.
So what is your real? Are you living life—or waiting to
catch up before it begins? What are you waiting for? When will you know you
made it there? If the world is always changing—cars are getting faster, phones
are getting more high tech, and clothes are getting just a little more stylish
every day—is there ever going to be a time when you don’t feel like you need
more to be happy?
Are there voices around you that maybe you have the power to
turn off? Can you put down your phone and play when your kids need you, or have
you grown too scared that you will miss something when you do? Do you feel
disconnected from everyone and everything around you because you spend your
whole day trying to connect with the people and products in your screen? Do
your kids look you in the eye when you talk to them, or do they always just
look down into the device in their hand? Do you ever talk to your roommates, or
do you always just scroll through your friends? Do you have time to show up . .
. even for yourself?
Then lets take a stand. Nobody owns us. We are powerful, but
we keep forgetting that we are in charge. If our children are so attached to a
device, but don’t know how to respect us . . . it is our job to teach them that
people are what matter. If we aren’t showing up for the people in our life, we
are failing the most important part of our mission here on earth—to learn to
love, to learn how to clean, and work, and have fun together. To create lasting
and healthy relationships, filled with respect and honesty and light. To one-day
leave the ones we love with memories, not just stuff.
Relationships—real people—are the only thing that can bring
true joy. No amount of money or possessions will ever take their place.
So today—along with my family—we challenge you to show up .
. . because that is what we are working on doing for each other. And it
matters. If it weren’t so important, there wouldn’t be so many things trying to
stop us all from remembering . . . each other.
Even in a noisy world, we have the power to take a stand and
be the kind of person we want our sons and daughters to become—for we are
teaching more by our examples than by the words that we say.
Show up. Life is too short. You don’t need a million likes
to be someone they are proud of . . . one day all you will have left is the
memories you made.
Earlier this year I was on a long plane ride and met a new
friend. We talked for hours about: life, love, children, triumphs, and
failures. She shared with me a story about one of her children—the one she had
always thought was her “favorite” child. She began, “The hardest part I don’t
understand . . . is she was the one child I gave everything to. She never went
without; I never once told her no. If she dreamed it—I would make it happen. I
put her above everyone . . . including my spouse. And now there is nothing to
show for it. She is the most miserable person I know. She is never content . .
. and no matter how hard I try, she is never happy. All my other kids respect
and love me, but the one I thought I loved the most—she is unkind to me, and
everyone around her. It doesn’t make since. I gave her everything . . . all of
my love, my time . . . my whole world . . . and she despises me.”
I have heard this scenario a thousand times. And yesterday—as
I battled with one of my own entitled children—I realized that in some ways I
have done it too: asked a child permission to parent them, made excuses, or
forgot to be consistent and follow through. I get stuck somewhere between the boarders
of parenting and wanting to be their friend.
But the truth is: our kids don’t need friends . . . they
need parents.
What they need from us is love, but not in the way we
sometimes think. We believe they want us to let them do whatever they want. We
think they want stuff. We assume they
want us to always have something “over the top” fun planned for them to do. So
we ask our children for permission to parent; we buy them things they don’t
need. We get scared they won’t want us around, so we over stimulate them with
fun—never slowing down and enjoying the little moments that make up the real
parts of their life. We allow them to do things we don’t feel good about, and
buy them electronics and movies they aren’t emotionally ready for . . . but not
because it is a good idea—because we are scared. Scared they won’t be popular
with everyone else, scared they will feel left out; scared they won’t think we
are cool . . . but mainly—we are scared we are not enough. We become their
friends to avoid the hard parts of parenting . . . the most important part of
our role. We avoid being the person in their life who needs to teach them what
the real world will one day slap in their face. But we don’t want them to blame
us for their pain . . . so instead we cover it up with friendly fluff and more
and more stuff.
So really . . . we suck at parenting—to protect ourselves.
Each parent has the responsibility to teach and guide our
children in love and patience. Sometimes the patience is for the child . . .
sometimes it is for us—patience to watch them suffer consequences of their
actions; patience to see them chose the wrong road and find the way back on
their own. It is hard to watch them solve a problem we think we already know
the answer to, but we cannot bail them out of the very things that will teach
them their strength.
Entitling, making excuses, and looking past our children’s
mistakes and shortcomings—though the world would tell us this is love—these are
the reasons we are failing to love our children in the right way. The most
balanced kind of parent loves unconditionally (love not based on perfect
performance), gives boundaries (for safety and teaching what is appropriate in
all aspects of personal and social life), and uses consistency to help
implement these things in daily life circumstances.
I had a friend in high school whose parents never gave her
any limits. She would come and go as she pleased. She always had an unlimited
amount of money and a wallet full of credit cards. I will never forget one
night when she was at my house late. My mom was sticking with curfew and shipping
everyone home. My friend turned to me and said, “I wish I had parents who cared
where I was. ”
I had always thought she was so lucky. She could do
literally whatever she wanted, but at that moment I saw my mom’s love a little
differently than I had before. She gave me limits and boundaries . . . because
she loved me? I had never seen it so clear.Now all these years later I realize I was the lucky one. My mom cared;
she loved me in the right ways. She gave me curfews and budgets . . . and
sometimes she told me no.
It matters. Our kids don’t want parents who treat them like
they rule the world—they want to know they have a place in it. They want to
know where they are safe. Boundaries and rules show them. Realistic
expectations—appropriate for each age group—help them find stability and
confidence in themselves and in the world around them.
If we were to throw our kids into a lake full of alligators,
and had never taught them how to swim or protect themselves—they would fail.
Life is no different. It takes teaching and guiding before they have any clue
on where they should be. And that is our job. And it doesn’t end once they can
walk . . . it is then that it has just begun.
What if Heavenly Father would have panicked about what a bad
parent he looked like to have His only Begotten Son in pain, and He would have
said, “Ok . . . wait. Take it all away. He isn’t strong enough to do this. I
cannot watch Him any more . . . because His pain is a reminder of how I cannot
protect Him. I need Him to be ok . . . so I can be ok.”
He didn’t . . . because He knew that pain, that sacrifice,
was going to change everything. He saw the bigger picture of what Christ was
going to be able to become . . . because of that pain. He saw a Son making
sacrifices—willing to suffer—for others. He saw a Son who was fulfilling the
mission He was sent here to live. He saw further than the moment.
And that is what we all must do, because it is in
consequences and struggles, and learning to accept personal accountability, and
sacrificing for others that our children will find their purpose—their
strength, and gifts, and truth. For those are the things that money cannot buy.
Those are the things we cannot give to those babies that we love. They have to
find them with God.
So maybe being the cool parent has been your objective—I am
guilty here too—maybe you have justified entitled or disrespectful behavior
because “they have been through so much”. Yup. We have all been there. But by
“protecting” our children and asking them for permission to parent—we are
hurting them. If they were ready to make grown up decisions . . . then they
would be . . . grown up.
Our children need parents. So let's grow up. Let's prepare
them for this world by giving them a chance and teaching them how to live in
it. Let's love them enough to sacrifice some of our “free time” we get when they
are just running free. They need us to be engaged, and encouraging, and
present. They need us to hold them accountable, and teach them right from
wrong.
We have to put away our phones—and turn off the video games
and movies—and see each other. If we spend more time on Facebook or at the gym,
than we do with our kids . . . we need to reevaluate our priorities. If we
spend more time worried about what to wear or how to get the best looking
picture of our kids making cookies—we probably aren’t making them for the right
reason.
Our kids need memories of their imperfect lives—not snap
shots of a fake perfect virtual reality.
So to all who have made the decision—or maybe the decision
was made for you—either way to those who call themselves parents. Let us step
up. We don’t need their permission to parent them. We just need the right kind
of love. The love that sees the big picture—the lasting kind of love—the love
that gives hope, holds accountable, brings light, and sometimes says no. Parenthood.
It says, “I see you are not perfect—I know I am far from it—but
I believe
in us. I love you no matter what you do or where you go—because I was created
to love you. When you make mistakes I will be here to help you—but I cannot
take it all away. You are your own person, but what you do will effect
others.Here are the things my life has
taught me—you will learn some of the same lessons, but others will be unique
to you. I will expect you to respect me. I will expect you to be
kind to other people. You will follow the rules: at home, at school, in
society—because you are a person of virtue. You are not the exception,
but you are exceptional. You are not always going to be the victim of
something else . . . sometimes it is going to be your fault. You can make it
right, but first you have acknowledged your role. And as your parent . . . I
can help you find it. Sometimes I will make mistakes; I hope you will forgive
me. It isn’t perfect, but life can be beautiful. When you follow the
rules, and live within the safety of the boundaries we set . . . you will find
confidence and love for yourself that can’t come in any other way. I was so
blessed the day you came into my life and I am so grateful you are mine. Sometimes
I will be your friend . . . but when I really want to show you I love you—I
will be doing my job with the right kind of love—I will be your parent. It
isn’t always easy telling you no, it isn’t always easy watching you chose a
choice I wouldn’t chose myself. I struggle when you do . . . but I
believe in you. I see how smart you are, and I know you are
going to grow up to be an even better parent than I am, because you are a powerful
child of God. He will be with you every moment of your life. And He
will be able to give you perfect direction on every road you will need to take.
So my job as your parent isn’t to teach you to rely on me. My job isn’t to bail
you out and cover for you when you make a mistake. My job is to teach you how
to become accountable . . . to Him. I
am just a tool to help you learn how to find your relationship with your
Savior. I believe in Him . . . and I believe in you.”
Someday we will be the one sitting on an airplane evaluating
all that we have done in our life. We will look back with regret—that is
enviable—but when it comes to our children hopefully we don’t look back with
regret of loving them in the wrong way—protecting them from learning how to
stand on their own.
If only we knew how our days were numbered—I bet we would
all live them a little differently. So for today, we better just live it like
it is our last. Love with all our hearts, and cherish the ones we call family.
Did we even know what we were signing up for? Did we even
comprehend the magnitude of the responsibility being a parent would be? Did we
know—in our carefree years without children—that a single person could come
into our life and change us forever? Did any of us really know that is was
possible to love something so much—but have no idea how to do it all?
Not even a little bit—we had no idea that something so small
could leave an impact so big.Something
so perfect could remind us of our imperfections—because the truth is,
parenthood has never been done perfectly. Sometimes we are going to watch our babies’
hurt—and what hurts the most, is sometimes there is nothing we can do to take
it away.
This week started out as any other. Sunday we all went to
church and celebrated the twin’s birthday with family. Sunday night we packed
lunches and got everyone clean and ready for the school days ahead.
Monday morning I woke up early. Tytus had to be at the
surgery center by 7 to get his tonsils and adenoids removed and a new set of
tubes in his ears. I was still a little tired from my travels the two weeks
before, but we sat in his room laughing as we waited for the doctors.
He did some happy dances for my camera and put stickers all
over his gas mask—he was content for the most part, and motivated to get the
surgery that had promised him better health.
As the doctors pushed him off to the surgery room, I went
out to the waiting room. All went as planned and soon they were calling me back
to go greet him as he was waking up.
He slept for the most part on the way home. I put him to
sleep on my bed and the first day was fairly easy. He had a hard time
swallowing but he was handling everything just fine.
The first half of the night went pretty smooth. I woke him
up whenever my alarm went off to take his pain meds. That morning he woke up
early in a lot of pain—crying every few minutes for relief. The day dragged by,
we took a nap together on my bed and did the best we could to stay on top of
the meds.
That night he went to sleep in my office. Not long after I
fell asleep I heard a heart pounding kind of screaming. I ran into the office
to find Tytus hunched over and holding his throat. I swept him up and ran into
the kitchen to grab his medicine.
I held it up to squeeze it into his mouth and he smacked my
hand away. For hours we fought. I even tried to lay him on the couch and force
it down his throat. Nothing. He wouldn't stop screaming. So I finally made a spot for me on the floor next
to his bed. I was getting desperate to help him find the relief I knew the pain
medication could bring. I said over his screams, “Hey Tytus . . . as your mom
it hurts me so much to see you in so much pain. And I feel helpless watching
you—barely able to talk or swallow—and I wish more than anything I could take
this pain from you. I would trade spots with you in a heartbeat—but I cant. I
am not going to pretend I know how this feels for you, because I have never had
this surgery, and even if I had . . . it wouldn’t be the same. But I need you
to trust me—as a person who wants to help you, and actually has the tools to
give you relief—I need you to trust me right now that this medicine is the only
way your aren’t going to be in so much pain. I need you to let me help you. I
need you to let me—your mom—love you.”
I thought for sure my braveheart speech would help him come
to his senses. I had played it all out in my mind. I would motivate him to see
things the way they were, and he would see clearly that my love for him was
going to help him. I did—after all—have the tools that would help ease his
suffering.
But he refused. I felt helpless. I spent the rest of the
night watching my son ache in agony—and there was nothing I could do about it.
He had to be the one to make the choice to take the help—and
the love—I had to offer. No matter how many times I squirted that liquid into
his mouth . . . he had spit it out. NO matter how may times I had begged for
him to let me ease his suffering . . . he had refused to let me do my job—as
his protector, as his designated nurse . . . and as his mom.
The night soon turned to morning and the stubborn little man
was still in pain. Not because we had no options to ease his burdens . . . but
because he had refused to see that a minute of pain—swallowing that
medication—was going to be the very thing that would have taken the pain away.
I knew a girl once—I think you might too—who didn’t believe
in something that was right in front of her. She suffered, for years, wishing
for something that was already there all along. Grace. Hope. Healing—the easing
of her burdens.
So parents—as we spend a lot of time wondering why our
children cannot see things the way that we see them. Why they can’t see the
help—we are so willing and able to give . . . just know this: we weren’t the
first parent’s to ever sit back and wonder why sometimes they have to figure it
out all on their own.
Because just like each of us, watching our babies struggle
in ways we could easily have taken it all away—we all have a Father who has had
to the same.
He watched as angry men crucified His Son, and He watches
each of us—at one time or another—take the hardest road. Sometimes, not
believing in any other option . . . we have been the children stubbornly
hurting and crying out all night long for relief.
And just like I didn’t leave my son’s side that night, I
know that Christ doesn’t leave ours. He doesn’t walk away and say, “You know
what idiot . . . if you aren’t going to do it my way—then you can just suffer
alone.” NO. He sits there—with that medicine in His hand, waiting for us to
decide when we are ready to take it—to receive Him.
Some of us have taken all night to let Him help
them—other’s are still trying to decide if they are ok with a plan different
than their own. Some are still waiting for proof that He is really there. And
that’s ok. He doesn’t make us take His help—because that was the plan we agreed
to long ago. He would be there—on those dark nights full of all the pain and
fear of the world—so we never had to be alone.
So maybe you are that parent, wondering why you keep failing
the things you created . . . because you have to keep watching them hurt. Maybe
you are the child wondering why your parent’s failed you—never could take away
your pain.
Or maybe we are all just imperfect children and parent’s who
are doing our best.Maybe if we could
see each other’s pain—the way that Christ does—we would be a little more
generous with our love—the way that Christ is.
So today, I want you to remember that perfect parent’s don’t
exist. Perfect, obedient children are not real. What’s real is LOVE. Love for
all the imperfect parents and children we have been blessed to cross paths
with.
Some might not be around as long as you think—so make sure
those imperfections don’t keep you apart too long. This Mother’s Day we don’t
celebrate or glorify a job that is easy—because it rarely is . . . but it sure
is worth it.
Since last night I got on here to post all of this stuff . . . but ended up sharing my heart instead, here it is.
The past few weeks I have posted a few videos on Instagram story. Many of you have asked me to share the details of these ideas.
#1 Mommy Store
I can't say I created this idea, because I have heard of a few versions of it, and my face on the dollar was an idea Shawn and I got from Bostyn and Bailey's six grade math teacher. But I can't tell you how much this little Mommy Store has changed our world.
Here is what you need to know. Mommy bucks (similar to Schrute bucks for all my fellow Office lovers) are some powerful things in this house. I use them for motivation, discipline, rewarding the extra mile efforts, and allowance. I have kids asking for jobs to earn more.
Next thing you need to know . . . don't be afraid to by soda and foods you wouldn't normally buy your kids. I charge $20.00 for a tiny can of soda, because it is not an item I want them to have, but since it is so rare in our house it is a HUGE motivator for a few of my kids (mainly Teage). So all week as he is motivated to get that pop he is remembering not to sass me, hurt Kaleeya, or leave his basketball gear all over the house.
Everything has a set fee, but discipline items are usually around 1-5 dollars depending on the crime. For example last night I charged a dollar for every item I have to pick up around the main living areas of the house. I charged five dollars for disrespect of a few children, who will remain nameless . . .
But I honestly now that they are getting the hang of it, I get to spend the most time rewarding good. Which for a mom is huge. We don't want to spend our lives telling our kids all the things that they don't do. That sucks, and it is lame.
So what good do you see? You throw it ten mommy bucks and you better believe that the next day almost everyone in the house is doing it without even being asked. For example: Yesterday Teage was the only one who brought his dish to the table after breakfast. Gave him $5. Jordyn was the only one who had turned off her light upstairs in her room. $5. Today those things are being done, because everyone noticed that I saw their efforts and appreciated it.
This simple way of doing it will make a huge difference, especially if you stock the store with things they desire and want to work hard for. They only get to shop on Saturdays, so all week they are gaining or loosing their money to spend on the prize day.
Want to take it to the next level?
That is where job charts, and laundry days, and check lists can come in. They can earn dollars for the every day stuff you are begging them to do anyway! And bonus . . . they will start to want to remember to make their bed and get dressed before they come down to eat breakfast.
This system is the ultimate win for everyone. Moms can spend less time screaming about all the things they want done, and kids will feel like their efforts are being received and appreciated. And between the dollar store and big packs of little things at other stores, you aren't really out much real money.
Labeling the prices on every thing helps them see what their working for and how much they need to cash in on all their favorites.
I have their envelopes inside the mommy store cupboard so nobody loses their money, and it isn't laying around the house. But also because every time they have to go get me a dollar or earn a dollar they open up to see what they could be gaining or missing out on.
I hope this helps!! Let me know if you have any more questions.
#2 Storing Nuts for Winter
Here is the video from Intagram Story that everyone was asking me for the recipes. I will post them below.
I have been doing one cooking day a week for all our meals and I LOVE it!! Watch the video to get all the details!!
These are some of our favorite tried and true recipes, most of which I got from my mother who I keep begging to write a cook book. I usually cook gluten free and sugar free so my Tytus boy can eat with us, but a few of these recipes are ones that I will not be able to feed to him . . . I will note when it is not a Tytus approved recipe.
Manicotti: (not gluten free)
Manicotti Noodles
15 ounce container of cottage cheese
1/4 cup dried parmesan cheese
2 cups mozzarella cheese
2 TB parsley flakes
1 tsp salt and pepper
Jar of Red sauce
Combine all ingredients but noodles and red sauce. Stuff cooked noodles (unless you bought the kind that you don't have to precook) with the white sauce mix. Pour red sauce over shells. Bake 350 degrees for 45 minutes covered. Uncover and cook for another 15 minutes.
Salmon:
Cover in coconut oil and cook until golden brown (we like it crispy on the edges) at 425 degrees ( for Tytus's side I usually just do this)
But for everyone else I ad any mix of the following:
A few dashes of Mrs. Dash's southwestern chipolte
a few sprinkles of maple syrup
a squirt of lemon
Sweet baby rays BBQ sauce
Thai Kitchen sweet red chili sauce (I might be in love with this stuff)
Serve over rice (we love the white jasmine rice and I cook it in a rice cooker)
Pad Thai:
1 package flat rice stick noodles
3 ounces shrimp or chicken (or both) I used leftover Thanksgiving turkey this time
1/2 cup fresh lime juice
1/2 cup Asian fish sauce
2 TB sugar (I use stevia)
2 garlic gloves pressed
2 TB oil
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper
2 large eggs
Can of bean sprouts (Asian food section)
1/2 cup chopped peanuts
5 green onions
1 cup of chopped cilantro leaves
And I always add in a few other chopped vegetables:
sometimes broccoli, cauliflower, pea pods whole, water chestnuts, carrots
Whatever vegis you like! Great way to sneak in some extra.
Instead of giving you the recipe I am going to give you a step by step on how to make this easy, because it really is an easy recipe just feels overwhelming when you try to do it all at once and your meat is burning in the process.
In a large bowl with a lid soak the noodles in super hot water. I usually change out the water a few times over the course of preparing the other things to make sure those noodles soften.
Then I get out a bunch of little bowls.
In one:
whip the eggs with a fork.
In another:
combine the lime juice, sugar and fish sauce
In another bowl I chop up all the vegis and cilantro
In another bowl I put all the chopped peanuts.
After all the ingredients are their bowls, in your Wok, heat the oil and add the red pepper flakes and garlic. Then cook the meat if it needs cooked, or heat it up if it is precooked.
Once the meat is cooked or heated through, pour in your eggs and stir and let them cook for two minutes. Drain the noodles while the egg is setting.
Add the noodles into the wok and lime juice mixture and cook for another minute or two
Add vegis and cook another minute or two. Sprinkle on the peanuts and enjoy.
We like to use that Thai Kitchen sweet red chili on the top!
Great to use as filler for lettuce wraps as well, then dipped in the sweet chili sauce.
Next time I will take a picture of my first helping so it can be a better glammer shot! haha
Pepperoni Pasta Salad:
Package of favorite pasta cooked and cooled in cold water (we use gluten free shell or spirals)
Favorite vegis chopped up
Sharp cheese graded or cubed
Pepperonis sliced in half
Cover with Ken's Stake house Northern Italian dressing (not sugar free, I take Tytus' portion out before adding the dressing)
Refried Beans:
5 cups pinto beans (I switch it up sometimes and use black or mixed beans)
Sort rinse and soak in water over night (or if you forget cook in the morning for a few hours and drain)
Drain in the morning and add:
1 chopped onion
4-6 cloves of garlic
2 TBs salt
2 TBs chicken boullion (better than bouillon is my favorite)
Water (fill to the top of crock pot)
Cook for 6-7 hours then blend. You might not use all the sauce. I fill the beans in the blender than add sauce to cover the beans. They will appear thin when you first blend them, don't panic. They thicken up as they sit.
We use these as dip for nachos, on top of tostadas, in burritos, in 7 layer bean dip, in tacos or just eat them by the spoonful . . . they are that good. Thank you Rachel for this one!!
So as part of my goals to be a better mom I am working on following through, so my kids know what to expect . . . but also trying to ad a little fun to our day every day. Here was last nights Instagram Story . . .
#3 Snow Dance
A fun tradition to get kids excited about the changing weather! Here is a step by step video . . .
Here a few links to those favorites in case you haven't tried them . . .
There are lots of other brands of the fish sauce and noodles that work great. But the red chili sauce hasn't been the same unless it is this brand. And this salad dressing is what makes the salad as well.
I am Ashlee. I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a survivor of murder. I am a survivor of infidelity. Life has tried to pull me down but I choose to stand.
Garden
-
The little two and I worked in the garden today before Kaleeya had to go to
school. We planted all sorts of fruits and vegetables. We got laughing at
Tytus...
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