Hands so full

The first time I heard it, I wanted to crawl out of my skin. An older man—holding open the door for me—loudly proclaimed, “You got your hands full—don’t ya?”

I looked around embarrassed, hoping that no one else heard him and thought the same. I looked down at my two hands, both clutching tightly to infant car seats. My hands were full—technically—but I felt like I had things under control. My twins were only two weeks old, and this was the first of thousands of times I would be embarrassed—well pissed off—at such comments.

Adding more children to the mix continued to up the comments. At least once a week, strangers would boldly ask questions that felt more like put-downs. Many times I would give a fake smile and walk away. Sometimes I would reply, “Yup.” But I never did say what I really wanted to. I never told these strangers that every single one of my kids was planned, or about the miscarriages I had. I never shared that their judgmental comment made me feel like they thought I was incapable and incompetent.

My husband’s death didn’t stop strangers from sharing their thoughts about me being in over my head. Many outings ended in tears because of the blatant honesty of others. Only now their comments—about my hands being full—served as a reminder of my own insecurities in my abilities to parent alone. 

As the years have passed, I have remarried and gained another daughter. People stopped telling me that my hands were full—not because I looked more put together— but because with so many kids the same age we started looking like a day care. Those comments just made me laugh, so I had forgotten about the painful comments of the past.

Last week I took all six kids out to run errands. We had a wonderful day, enjoying the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season. We were about to walk out of a store when I heard it—those words from long ago. An older gentleman—holding the door for me—proclaimed, “Wow lady—you sure have your hands full.”

My blood started to boil, and I looked into his eyes. This was it—I was going to let him have it. All those years of pretending people’s comments didn’t hurt me—all those moments when I just walked away—were going to come to an end.

I said, “You know sir . . . I  . . . I—”. I looked at the six little children that trailed behind me, each of them grinning from ear to ear. For a second, time stood still. My mind flashed over the last few years. A murder trial, blending a family, writing books, speaking, being a wife again, parenting . . . my hands were full. He saw through me—and he was right. I have had a lot on my plate, and I have been in way over my head.

I said with a smile, “I do have my hands full, but I am the luckiest girl in the whole world. My hands are so full—and so is my heart.”

He looked at me with a warm glow, “We never could have kids, so it always amazes me to see all you parents with your hands full of so many blessings.”

It had never crossed my mind that anyone had told me my hands were full—of blessings. But they are! My life has been full of a lot of things—but the greatest are those six little ones that have made my hands so full. There is nothing I could have filled these hands of mine with that would have brought me so much joy.

All of us parents have our hands full. Every day is a lot of work—but in between those spilled bowls of milk and the fingerprints all over the windows are the greatest blessings we will ever receive.

Christmas is a great time to remember those in need—but we can’t let a moment go by that we forget the ones who need us most. For the ones who fill our hands—will also fill our hearts.

(photo credit Susan Thomas)

Crack the Walls

During the second week of Bostyn’s hospitalization for her eye infection, she was moved to a different floor. I began to notice that no matter what time of day or night—every time I would walk through the hall to go see her, I would hear a baby screaming in a nearby room. After a few days, I decided to go and ask the nurses if there was anything I could do for the crying baby.

At first, the nurse was very resistant to even talk about the crying child on the other side of the door, but after a few minutes of my persistence, she opened up. “You know, that poor little baby is dying. I can’t give you any details about her condition . . . but it has been the saddest thing I have ever had to watch as a nurse. Her parents are mad at God. They don’t understand why they are being punished, and since they know they are losing her, they hardly come to see her anymore. There is only so much time we can spend with her, and so she cries for her parents all day and all night.”

As I walked to Bostyn’s room, I wondered how a parent could get to that point. How could you remove yourself so far from your suffering child’s pain as to let your own emotions become more important than hers? I decided they had to be surrounded by walls or some sort of barrier that somehow prevented them from seeing their child’s needs. Somewhere along their journey, they had built an imaginary protection to shield themselves from the pain of losing her. Walls of fear or hate. Even at a time when their little baby needed them the most, they had allowed their emotions or their pride to keep them from her. It seemed that somewhere inside of themselves, they truly believed they were punishing God for their trial—but the only one suffering was their already terminally ill baby girl.

Each person who has ever lived has had a completely different experience in life. Some have found ways to trust their world, and others have been given every reason to never let anyone in. In my experiences of suffering intense pain—I have learned to build walls: walls of protection to keep myself safe, walls of hate to keep my heart from getting broken again, and walls of fear to keep all the scary parts of the world out.

People begin building walls around themselves anytime a negative experience teaches them to fear or hate the world. Our physical bodies, mental cognition, and emotional capabilities all play into the building of our “walls.” When we find ourselves in a state of crisis, our physical bodies automatically go into “fight or flight” mode. Our mental state is heightened and everything we feel or see is intensified. Every emotion is more powerful, and every pain is more excruciating. In that split second when all of the powers that make up our existence are on overload, our brains work together with our emotions to build walls of protection around us to ensure that the experience is never duplicated. Our physical bodies react to prevent us from ever again taking the same steps that led us to that pivotal moment of extreme stress.

It is during those times—when our emotional, mental, and physical selves come together to build walls to shield us from future pain—that we learn to block things out. We learn to shut things down, or run from the present to ensure the past is not duplicating itself. Our bodies prepare themselves to fight or to take flight.

And that is where our triggers come into play. If we have had an experience that has caused us to build a wall, and something happens that threatens to duplicate that past experience—triggers fire and our subconscious takes us back to the fight or flight mechanism that occurred during the original situation. Sometimes it is obvious when these walls were built, and other times, we have no clue why or when we constructed them in the first place.

As I faced the task of trying to build a new family at the same time as waiting for a murder trial, it seemed as if I was surrounded by an imaginary structure of walls. It was obvious how some of those walls were built, but I don’t know that I will ever know for sure why others were erected.

However, one thing is for sure—for every reason I found to dig my deep hole of despair and build my massive walls, my family gave me a reason to climb out of the hole and break down the walls. It seemed that on all those days our blended-family misunderstandings occurred, they caused us to build new walls. But after every dark day, we began experiencing simple moments of love and hope, and the purity of those emotions helped us break down our newly-constructed walls.

Then just when I thought I had it all figured out, it seemed as if I’d get thrown a curve ball, or learn a new fact about the criminal case that would drill a new hole inside of me and create a new pain. From where I stood . . . my life seemed complete, and yet—I did not feel whole. But despite my walls of protection, Shawn continued to pull me up on the really dark days.

One afternoon, after I had received a difficult phone call from the detectives telling me about a disturbing piece of information they’d found on Emmett’s computer, I was really struggling.  Walls of fear were shooting up all around me, and as the afternoon progressed, I could feel the darkness of the facts I’d been told surround me. Receiving new information about Emmett’s past didn’t change anything—but it still threatened my ability to move forward with faith toward the future.

Shawn came home early from work that day and told us all to load up into the car. The thought crossed my mind to just go get in bed and send everyone else with him, but I got in and buckled my seatbelt. Nobody knew where we were going. The kids laughed and joked as we drove. I was silent in the front seat, still surrounded by my gloom. I could hear the kids begging Shawn to tell them where we were headed, but he held firm and kept our destination a surprise. I remained quiet, rehearsing the past in my mind, trying to figure out where it had all gone wrong in an effort to prevent any future tragedies.  

Soon the car came to a halt as we pulled up to the most beat up bowling alley I’d ever seen. Shawn looked over at me and said, “Here we are! This is what we ALL need today.”

It didn’t look very promising, but we all piled out of the car. Shawn grabbed Ty’s car seat and I plopped Kaleeya onto my hip. Hand in hand, the big kids marched inside, and with delight, they bowled their little hearts out and laughed their heads off. The kids were so excited to be together playing as a family that it was as if that little run down bowling alley were Disneyland.

At one point, I sat on the bench and just watched. The smiles on their faces and the spirit in their giggles began to break down the wall of fear that had been building up around me all day. The earlier phone conversation began to fade from my mind as I watched my family members smile in joy. At that moment, tears rolled down my face, but they were tears of gratitude. I smiled as I saw my crew come together and laugh. I was grateful for a husband who knew how to play, even when everything around me told me to fight . . . or flee. Shawn knew how to smile and help us step away from the heavy parts of our life. He helped me see that even though I was surrounded by walls, we could break them down together.

For every hole that had been drilled into my heart, I had to find a new way to keep it beating—and sometimes the best medicine was love and laughter.

Despite my irrational internal belief that our life together couldn’t really begin until after the trial, Shawn was determined to start new traditions. I remember our first New Year’s Eve together as if it were yesterday. He had all these grand ideas of what the night would be like. He carried each child’s mattress down the stairs and pulled ours off of our bed, then positioned them around the living room floor for a “camp out.” At first, it just seemed like a ridiculous amount of work and a great big mess, but as the night went on—I began to see the wisdom in his plan. We laughed together until midnight as the New Year began.

I remember holding Shawn’s hand under our blanket and actually experiencing a glimpse of being whole. I remember kissing each child on his or her cheek that night, praying with all my heart that the New Year would bring us peace. My only New Year’s Resolution was to not have any more change. I wished for normalcy to come my way, where the only cares I had were what to make for lunch and what movie to see on date night. I hoped for a year of pure, sweet, tender moments that could remind me over and over again of what I was fighting so hard for.

And boy did I fight! I fought every day to find myself. I prayed every hour not to hate. I cried every night for the answers I still yearned to hear. But more and more, I also prayed for the ability to laugh. I yearned for the power to smile. I fought for the desire that once came naturally—to love. I begged God for the sparkle I used to have in my eye to one day shine brighter than it ever had before.  I begged every night to one day feel whole again, and to have the walls that had come to block my view crumble.

Although my fight to obtain these blessings seemed to never cease, I began to see more of the little glimmers of sunshine as they came into view. I tried hard to let the fun parts of life into my heart. I searched for reasons to smile, even when my heart was breaking.

Walls. Each of us has built them—but building them is not the hard part. The challenge comes when we must break them down. A country is built one city at a time; a city is built street by street; a street is built one house at a time; a house is built wall by wall. Just like a house is built with walls to protect what is inside, we too build walls around us: walls of protection, but also walls of fear, and walls of hate. Some of these walls are necessary for us to progress in life, and yet . . . most of them hold us back from where we really want to be.

All the days of our lives, we will either be building or breaking down these imaginary—and yet very real—barriers. It will be a constant cycle of progression. Some days, pieces of the bricks will fall, and on other days, new bricks will form.

Walls are a protective mechanism to help your soul feel safe, but they can also stop you from truly giving and receiving love. Whatever emotion has created the foundation of your walls, love can crack each brick: loving those around you, loving those who have hurt you, and most importantly loving yourself. As those walls get broken down, piece by piece, you will begin to feel the love of those who believe in you. You will begin to see your worth in this world, and you will be able to feel the love that God has for you. Every day of your life, you can have the gift to see your worth.

I have always wondered what it will be like to grow old and look back on my life. What bricks will I have willingly built around myself, and what walls will I have fought my way through? What will I wish I had done differently, and what will I be glad I didn’t forget?

If you were on your deathbed at this very moment, what would you regret? I don’t think that before dying, many people would wish they had spent more time at work. Most would probably not wish they had taken another trip or made more money to buy another car. I doubt our last words would be about not having built a bigger house or about the boat we never had.

I think most of our regrets will be about our relationships. We will remember the times we failed our loved ones, failed to teach them truth, failed to be there when they needed us, failed to show them they played a part in helping us through some of our hard times, and failed to forgive them for any pains they may have caused us. But I think even more, we will regret the times we failed—or refused—to say we were sorry. We will regret the moments others needed us, but we did not let them in, and the times when the walls we’d built around ourselves prevented us from being who we wanted to be. It’s the relationships in our lives that we will look back upon and wish we could do over—not the “stuff” we did or did not have. We will wish we would have let our loved ones in, and not pushed people away.

We build walls to keep ourselves safe. Abuse or neglect create foundations on which many people construct walls so as to never let anyone get close to them ever again. Physical pain and emotional abuse generate barriers that remain with victims as they try to find a way to survive with the shields they have erected to block out the world. With such walls surrounding us—we are not able to live life to the fullest.

Fear doesn’t have to shut you down. When you have those moments when the walls you’ve built seem to shut everyone else out—pray to your God that He can help you break them down. Ask for His hand to guide you to the freedom you seek from your past.

Forgiveness is the answer to broken hearts. Love is the power that can break down your walls of darkness. Maybe love doesn't change your son’s negative behaviors, but at least, he still knows you care. Maybe finding happiness does not mean your husband comes back to life, or leaves his mistress to come home. Maybe your mother never turns from her selfish ways that made her abandon you during a time of need. Maybe forgiveness doesn't save your marriage, but it can save your soul. Maybe hope doesn't save your baby dying in a hospital bed, but at least her last breaths were spent in your arms.

Sometimes our relationships are part of our test. The loss of a loved one, and their pain bring us times of doubt in ourselves and in God. I believe it is all part of our test—to see where our hearts belong. Is our love for God only apparent when our lives are perfect, or is our faith in Him unconditional, and not based upon what we’ve been given or where we are in life?

We don’t have to shut each other out. We don’t have to flee or fight our way out of our pain. There is a gift given to all of us that can break down those walls. Love, hope, and faith are the foundations upon which our lives can be built. Through the grace of God, all wrongs can be made right. All of our relationships can grow, and all of our walls of fear and hate can erode.

Not all days will be bright, but there is light in each one. Before you build a wall to keep the darkness out, make sure it doesn’t block you from the light. Break the bricks that are forming around you, crumble the towers that are keeping everyone out, and crack the walls of fear that stop you from smiling. Yesterday might have taught you to shut out the world, but today is the day to break through those barriers so the light can be seen.

Free pass

It didn’t take long for Shawn to call again. Before I knew it, we were sitting on my couch spending another evening in non-stop conversation. The kids were asleep, and he hadn’t met any of them yet. I wasn’t really ready to introduce them to him, but I enjoyed talking with him for hours as we sat together on the couch.

Before coming to see me, Shawn had spent the evening playing basketball. He warned me that he was all sweaty and stinky, but I didn’t even notice. He looked so cute in his basketball shorts and T-shirt.

We shared with each other more of our personal stories that night; I shared things with Shawn that only the detectives knew. I told him about the night Emmett died, revealing the details of the emotions I’d felt leading up to the hour of his death. I shared the explosion of relief, and the other waves of emotions I’d felt since that moment I had sat with the detectives . . . on the very couch where we were now sitting.

It was getting late and as we talked about his need to go home and get to bed, I leaned in and kissed him. For a few seconds, our lips touched and I could feel sparks fly. For me, it was a perfect kiss accompanied by happy butterflies in my tummy.

I was smitten.

The next day, I was out with Tytus for a doctor’s appointment and I stopped by the pharmacy on the way home, which just happened to be right across the street from Shawn’s work. I texted him and asked him if he would like to come and meet us there.

While waiting for him to come, I walked around the pharmacy filling my cart with random things, a little nervous at the thought of being seen in public with Shawn . . . but mainly scared to have him meet one of my children. Tytus was all smiles, and I talked to him gently as we strolled down each aisle.

As I was trying to decide on what color of nail polish to buy, I looked up and saw Shawn walking toward us, with a huge grin on his face. When he got to our cart, I introduced him to Tytus, who was now almost five months old. He smiled and cooed at Shawn for a few minutes, and then started to fuss. “Man,” I said, “he is so tired. … It has been a long morning.” I took my pointer finger and, starting between his eyes, rubbed it down the bridge of his nose. As I reached the tip of his nose, his eyes closed and he was fast asleep.

Shawn looked at me in surprise. “What in the heck was that? Is that how he always falls asleep? That is so unfair!! I’ve never in my life seen a baby fall asleep so fast.” We laughed about it for a minute and chit-chatted while Tytus slept in his car seat.

It felt surreal to have my two worlds coming together. I didn’t know how I would be able to be in both: being a single mother, and learning to love again. I felt awkward as I smiled at Shawn, and then looked down at my little sleeping infant. I never pictured that such a day would ever be a part of my life. In my mind, dating and parenting were worlds apart.

When I went out on a date with Shawn, or sat with him on my couch after the kids were in bed, it was easy to momentarily step away from the darkness always lurking in my world with the trial pending . . . but it was overwhelming and frightening bringing both of those worlds together. I feared they would collide, and that one would destroy the other.

The next weekend, Teage left on an outing with some friends, the “Fathers and Sons Campout” for our church. It was his first time camping, and his first “father and son” outing. I tried hard to feel okay about the fact that he was not going with his own father and I choked back tears as I packed his bag and buckled him into his friend’s car. I was grateful for the chance for him to go, but longed to have him share such a weekend with Emmett.

The night after Teage left, Shawn brought his daughter Jordyn over to meet my girls. We all watched a movie and the kids enjoyed laughing and playing together. In the middle of the movie, I started getting choked up as I witnessed the mixing of my two worlds, which was taking place before my eyes. I looked at the twins who were almost squishing Jordyn between them. I looked at Kaleeya with such a sweet smile on her face, and Tytus cuddled in Shawn’s arms. It was a perfect moment, and the spirit was so strong as I looked around the room. It didn’t feel complete without Teage there, but it felt amazing to see some of the holes . . . that usually gaped open darkly . . . filled with so much light.

The kids started complaining about being hungry so Shawn and I got up to find them a snack. I opened the pantry to look inside, when all of the sudden, Shawn grabbed me and pulled me into the pantry and pulled the door shut behind us. There in the quiet of my pantry, we smooched. I could hear the kids giggling out on the couch, and I could smell food surrounding me, which since Emmett’s death had been so hard for me to prepare. The darkened pantry—which just weeks earlier had witnessed me spilling tears of sorrow—now held me quietly wrapped in the arms of peace.

All of the sudden, the door opened and Jordyn said “I think my dad was kissing your mom!!!!” They all ran off giggling and squirming.

That night, as I tucked the kids into bed, Bailey very matter-of-factly stated, “Mom, we don’t have a dad anymore . . . and Jordyn and Shawn, they need a mom . . . so I don’t get why we don’t just ask them to be part of our family.” I gave her a squeeze. “Bay, I wish that life were that easy. They are great friends, and it is fun to have them here spending time with us, so let’s just be really grateful for that!”

My two worlds seemed to be merging into one, more easily than I could have imagined. 

We spent the next few weeks enjoying our time together. Shawn and Jordyn met Teage when he got back from the campout. We had lots of fun days and everyone got along great. For the first time since Emmett died . . . we laughed more than we cried.

One morning, I got a call from the detective on the case, and reality set in once again. I don’t remember why he called, or what he said, but I do remember the lump that settled in my throat as I imagined making Shawn and Jordyn go through this horrible nightmare with us. I got the kids ready for the day, and I headed to the temple. I needed to clear my head. The excitement of my new friend had almost made me forget about the trial that still loomed over me.

As I drove to the temple, I thought about all the times I had laughed that week. How unfair it was of me to make Shawn think I was happy. What kind of deception was I perpetrating on this poor man? I wasn’t happy. I was scared, I was broken, and the reality was . . . I still had a life to clean up before I could start living a new one.

I walked into the temple with my stomach tied in knots. During the entire session, an internal battle was raging inside me between my desire to move on and heal, and my need to stay stuck in my pain so I could somehow bear the murder trial that would be coming. I felt strongly that I couldn’t do both at the same time.

For the millionth time, I sat in the Celestial Room praying for peace. I knew in my heart, that I was wrong to turn my back on this new possibility . . . but I struggled to see how I could in good conscience ask this innocent man to crawl through the trenches with me. I knew what I had to do. I knew what he deserved . . . he needed a free pass. He needed me to tell him that I didn’t want or need him so he could go on and live a normal life without us.

As soon as I got back in my car, I called him and asked him to meet me at my house. I drove home still feeling very unsettled and full of despair. I walked into the house almost in tears, knowing that what I had to do was going to be very difficult. Shawn arrived soon after I got home. He came to the door, knowing exactly what my intentions were. I didn’t even invite him to come in, but I just grabbed my phone and asked him to come and walk with me.

We walked to a little waterfall at the entrance of my neighborhood, found a bench and took a seat. I looked up into his big blue eyes and let it all out. “So . . . I like you a lot, but I am in no way ready to be in a relationship. I think I have been forgetting about the reality of my life . . . and I, um . . . you . . . you don’t deserve this. I wish I could say that I could sit around and date you, but this isn’t fair to you. I’m scared and I don’t know how to make this work. My world is so different than yours.” I didn’t have the courage to look in his eyes any longer, so I stared out past the green trees, and continued with my explanation. 

“We are broken, see . . . and we haven’t even begun to process everything we’ve been through. Teage is a raging ball of anger. Kaleeya bites holes in her binkies and punches the baby in the face, the twins are so sad some days that I don’t even see them smile . . . and then you just walk in like you can’t see how broken we are. Come on, you don’t deserve this . . . and one day you’re going to realize what a storm you just jumped into and you are going to want to run as far away from us as you can.” 

I started to get choked up, so I tried to get right to the point. “So, here is what we are going to do. You are going to walk me home, and then you’re going to get in your car . . . and you are going to pretend that we never met. You go find a normal girl who has the ability to love . . . who wants to have a normal family with you . . . one who won’t drag you through hell in the next few years trying to figure out how to exist. You deserve a woman who doesn’t fall down at the park in a panic attack because an ambulance drives by . . . one who knows how to love. So you go find her . . . and be happy forever. I can’t let you stick around and be disappointed for the rest of your life that you settled for a broken widow and her five broken children. You are going to find a normal girl, one who knows how to love . . . one who actually has the ability to make you happy. Find a young girl who doesn’t have any baggage, one you can start a real life with . . . one that isn’t just pretending to be normal . . . and when you find her . . . don’t look back. I’m scared about what the next few years are going to bring. It’s going to be hard. I . . . I talked to the detective this morning and just hearing his voice reminded me of all the mess I have left to live through. I can’t do this to you, and I’m scared to let you even try to ride along with me . . . because eventually it will be too much for you . . . and you’ll leave. So, I’m asking you to leave now, so I don’t have to wonder when you’ll go. I just can’t do this . . . again. I . . . I don’t . . . I just need you to pretend you never met me, and just let me figure this out on my own.” 

I don’t think I even took one breath.

I looked back toward him. There were tears falling down his cheeks. He sat quietly for what seemed to be an eternity. He finally began to speak as he looked into my eyes. “Ashlee, I . . . I have dated all those so-called ‘normal’ girls you talk about. I’ve tried to picture my life with each one of them. It . . . wasn’t just you I fell in love with during the first five minutes I talked to you. No, I’ve fallen head over heals with you and your children. I have never in my life felt what I feel when I am with you. I know the road that has brought you to me has been very hard, and I will never pretend that it has been easy for you . . . but right now, I need you to believe me when I say . . . you are beautiful. You are beautiful inside and out. Maybe Emmett couldn’t see that when he died, but I am sitting right here in front of you . . . right now, and I see you. I know you have a difficult road ahead of you with the trial, and with the other challenges and responsibilities that are yet to come because of Emmett’s murder, but I am not going to walk away . . . not after seeing everything I’ve always dreamed of . . . right here . . . right now. You may feel broken, and I get that because I’ve felt that way myself, but I . . . I love you Ashlee. I love all six of you . . . just the way you are.”

As I watched Shawn wipe away his tears, I knew in that moment that he wouldn’t let me talk him into walking away. I felt relieved. I had given him his free pass, and here he was . . . still able to see the me that had been hidden by so much tragedy.

But the possibility of this relationship going somewhere still wasn’t quite as easy for me as it was for Shawn. It was as if I was trapped between two worlds. My dreams were still of Emmett, but my real life was trying so hard to piece itself together and move on. I was holding the hand of one man, while trying to figure out how to let go of the other.

My anger at Emmett pushed me into easily finding Shawn, but my pain held me back from giving Shawn my whole heart. I missed Emmett, and yet I adored Shawn. What kind of hell was this supposed to be? I lived in two worlds: one where Shawn loved me and the kids . . . and another where my heart was constantly racing in anticipation of the trial, and feeling Emmett’s presence in my dreams. I didn’t know how to let go so that I could take hold of something new.

In spite of my confusion, that day was when I understood that in spite of having set Shawn free, in spite of having given him a way out of our crazy world with no strings attached, he had still—and without any reservations—chosen us . . . just the way we were . . . broken and all.

Sometimes, even when we are broken and trying hard to hide all of our imperfections, people see the good in us anyway. I did all that I could to push Shawn out of my life so that I could continue being fractured . . . all by myself. I didn’t want him to spend his life trying to fix me. I thought it would be easier for him to go and have a ‘normal’ life, but he stayed anyway.

We are all given a ‘free pass’ at one time or another . . . a pass given to us because Jesus Christ died for us. He sees that we are broken, and yet He still loves us unconditionally. The pass He shares with us, is only possible through Him. He died on the cross so that every day we are given the opportunity to use our ‘free pass’ to heal, to forgive and to repent of our sins.

Shawn’s decision at the waterfall that day changed the course of my life. His ability to see me, even when I couldn’t see myself . . . built me up. I didn’t need him to survive, but to truly be whole again . . . I had to let him in. He was a blessing sent straight from Heavenly Father. He has sacrificed for me, he has given me courage when I couldn’t find it on my own, and he has shown me that even in my empty state . . . I was still lovable.

I was being given a ‘free pass’ to a new life. My happiness had not ended permanently. I had given my all to Emmett, even when he didn’t deserve it . . . and somewhere inside myself, I still had the ability to do the same for Shawn.

It would not be an easy journey. It would not always be smooth . . . but it was being made possible for me.

When I was in high school, I suffered from some mental and emotional problems. I had a very unrealistic view of myself, and at different times, I went through various phases of eating disorders. It was embarrassing, it was humiliating, and it was a painful battle I had to fight every single day. I struggled with many of the relationships in my life, and failed to see the role I played in many of those struggles I was having.

My parents ended up sending me to a therapeutic wilderness boarding school. I learned more about myself in those two and a half months than I had in all the previous eighteen years of my life. I learned I had been carrying a shadowy bundle of incorrect beliefs around with me, and I came to understand the power they had on the view I possessed of myself and how I thought others viewed me. I learned about personal virtues and why each one played a role in the person I wanted to become.

I even made it through a three-day solo period. I set up my camp, and without being allowed to leave that site . . . I had to spend three days in a row all alone, by myself. Up until that point in my life, I hadn’t even spent a few hours alone without another person close by. I laughed, I sang songs, I cried. Those were three of the hardest days of my life . . . and yet, I had never felt so alive and empowered.

Through that experience, I learned a lot about the roles I had played in my own life at home, which contributed to my failure to develop authentic caring relationships with my family and friends. I thought about the ingratitude that had diluted so many of my words, and so many of the hurtful decisions I had made without any regard for the people who loved me. I seriously pondered my own contributions and responsibilities in the negative scenarios of my life.

When my time at that camp came to an end, I was almost afraid to return to real life. It was my senior year, and I didn’t feel ready to go back to that reality. However, when I got home, I realized something . . . those two and half months had been a free pass for me. I didn’t have to be afraid any more to step back into real life, because I had finally found out what life was all about.

It was hard to go back to the relationships I had taken advantage of as a snotty teenager. As I stepped back into life with a new found knowledge of what it was all about, my eyes felt as if they had been opened.

My ‘free pass’ to change the direction my path was heading . . . saved my life. I no longer viewed the world as something to manipulate in order to get my way, or as an excuse to be selfish or mean. I saw it with the beauty I had found inside of myself.

Sometimes our ‘free pass’ is offered at a time when we need to change our course, and other times it is given to remind us of the things we already have, which we are fighting so hard to keep.

Shawn didn’t want to walk away from the path we were starting to travel together, because he knew he was exactly where he was supposed to be. He saw the pathway long before I allowed myself to find it. His free pass, given by me, didn’t make him want to leave . . . instead, it gave him even more reason to fight for what he knew was right.

On the other hand, there are free passes that are not for our good. These are the type of false ‘free passes’ Satan offers us or we offer ourselves when we want to step away from reality or when we have a secret we want to hide. Emmett took a ‘free pass’ offered to him as an enticing gimmick. He must have honestly believed that with his ‘pass,’ he could come and go in our marriage as he pleased, and that no one of importance would ever find out that he had taken it . . . but he did, and ultimately . . . that is what changed the course of all of our lives.

Use your ‘free passes’ wisely. They can, and will, change you. The course of your life can be destroyed if they are used to indulge your own selfishness or lust. The easy way is seldom the Lord’s way. Shawn showed me an example of that as I gave him an easy way out, and he chose the right way instead.

God doesn’t expect us to walk each step in life with ease . . . but when we walk it with Him, our burdens can be made light. If you are being tempted to manipulate yourself into thinking that you need a ‘free pass’ to distance yourself from the broken pieces of your life . . . make sure that it is Christ who is offering it to you. Satan will try to make his ‘free pass’ sound as if it will change you for the better, but in the end . . . he will not stand with you. Depending on the dealmaker, a ‘free pass’ can either help you rise above your pain . . . or cause more pain to follow.

In reality, there are really no ‘free’ passes in life. Even the ones from Heavenly Father have been paid for by Jesus Christ through the atonement. Shawn had no idea of the hard work he had yet to endure as he decided to continue dating me. He would have to work and sacrifice and find patience and love, even at times when I was not at all lovable. Just like our Savior, Shawn’s pass didn’t come without a price. And just like Jesus Christ, Shawn would have to go through pain of his own as he worked hard to make our journey together work.

Being in the right place at the right time doesn’t mean that it will be easy!!!!

Wherever you are in your life, there will be times when a free pass sounds like it will save you from the difficulties of mortality. However, nothing can take all of your hardships away. There is no way around the pain of this world, just resources to help you through them. Spend less time trying to dodge them, and more time building yourself up to have the power to stand strong even as the storms rage around you.

That bottle of liquor may mask your pain for the night, but the fear will find its place again in the morning. That shopping bag full of new clothes may numb your loneliness for the afternoon, but your despair will not be washed away as you put them on. That trip to Disneyland may disguise the pain in your family for the week, but it will not fix the fractures in your marriage. The ‘free passes’ that just offer a temporary fix, do not change the problems or take away the pain . . . they merely postpone the suffering.

So many of us are hurting and longing to find a free pass from our pain. But, there is no pill to take, and there is no magic wand to wave. Hard work and diligence in respecting the truths we know will provide us with a foundation of strength and give us the courage to face our pain. Learn and study the genuine truths in the world. Search, ponder and pray about which of the principles you learn about are true. There is truth all around us, truths that can help us along our pathway to healing.

Be selective and only use the ‘free passes’ that come from God. Sometimes even the hardest trials ARE the ‘free passes’ we need to become the person that we long to be.

Waiting for, or fearing tomorrow only stops us from living today. Don’t wait for another day to bring you peace. Search for peace, as you live through each day. The perfect calm in life may never come. In fact, even when you think you have gone through all of the hard times, more trials seem to find their way to you.

The good news is that we are not alone. All of us are trying hard to figure out what paths to choose and what storms to navigate. Don’t let the good days pass you by as you wait around for the ‘free passes’ that lead you to what you think is your desired state of perfection. Sometimes, it is merely life itself that is the true gift you fail to recognize. Your time is now. Don’t let it pass you by. Let each hour be the reason you choose to stand. Your ‘free pass’ might come to help you change your path, or it might come to remind you that you need to fight to stay on the pathway on which you are already traveling. Life is too short to spend it waiting. Live it and love it, wherever your free pass takes you.

Don't you worry child