Come meet me!

Hey guys! I am excited to finally be planning the next conference. It will be in Rigby, Idaho (by Idaho Falls) on Jan. 9th, 2020. Thank you for your patience and love the last few months as I adjusted and recovered. I will add in this post a video of some of the fights we had this summer. Also I will link here tickets to the event for my non profit A Reason to Stand. It is not a big auditorium like we have been using lately, so don't wait to reserve your seat. Can't wait to gather and see everyone again. .... ....

Miracle in every storm

Karen shares that there is a message and a miracle in every storm . Parenting advise that just might change the way you view our fight as a mother or father. Her journey of divorce, betrayal, and helping your children connect to their one source of light...Christ. As Karen learned to step back, she saw that what her son needed was a cheerleader, he already had a Savior.

There is hope

I have received many messages from people asking me what my story is. So if you are new here—welcome—and let me take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Ashlee. I am a mother to five kids (13,13,11,9, and 7 years old). The Moments We Stand is the name of my blog that started as a healing journal for me after a month long murder trial didn’t lead me to the peace, I spend almost two years, imagining it would. 

After the birth of our fifth child my husband Emmett was shot two times—once in the heart and once in the forehead—by the husband of a secret mistresses I didn’t know he had. I spent the next two years waiting to take a breath as the murder trail got pushed back month after month. As the trial finally ended, I realized the magnitude of the chains I was wrapped in. I had become a victim—literally on the bench in a courtroom and by the fears in my own mind. Then one day God gave me a gift. He asked me to own my story. To write my fears and vulnerably share my insecurities with anyone who asked me how it felt. And that is the mission I have been on ever since. Seven years later I am a remarried, divorced, widow on a mission to help others know they are not alone, find their worth, and remember their truths. And guess what? I am happy. Widowhood, divorce, parenting, remarriage, and murder are not the things that make me who I am—they are just parts of my story. Who I am is a daughter of God who has learned so many lessons—on a path I didn’t choose—that was created just for me, to help me keep striving to become the best version of who God sent me here to be. I am enough. And so are you. Whatever your story, whatever dark paths you have walked—YOU are loved, valuable, unique, and YOU are enough. Heavenly Father makes no mistakes and I believe if we remember Christ on all the paths we walk—our story will be filled with His grace. 

We can be a light no matter how much darkness we have had to endure. You can find my story on my blog or books. Start at the beginning! I hope you feel the grace that has been part of your journey as you read about mine. Miracles, are real, they don’t always take away the pain, but they always bring the light! There is hope. 

A call to all fathers

A few months ago I met a new friend —after speaking at a church—who approached me and asked if I would be interested in sharing my message with a big group of business men. At first I thought, “what would I have to offer a bunch of men?...” and then he proceeded to tell me about a statistic he keeps finding every where he looks. When asked what is most important to them...he finds most business men instantly say, “my family” but after more conversation he learns that most of these same men only spend about 1% of their time with their families. 

The past few days I have been reminded why that statistic is something I am passionate about changing. Fathers...we need YOU. This video and post are about a little car ride and a note in the night that helped me remember a message I can’t hold back any more. 

After a car ride with six thirteen year old girls I spent the next two days struggling with some hard truths. There are a lot of kids with the same story.

This message is to all Fathers. You are valuable and your kids need you.

They  need your strengths and your gifts. They need you to wrestle them and throw the ball to them. They need your time and your love.

They  need you to show them what a real man looks like. If we want our daughters to find a man that treats them right and honors their promises, then we have to show them what that kind of a man looks like.

Love their mothers. Be kind to the woman in their life.

Respect and honor your family. Not by working your life away or running from your problems, but by showing up every day.

With love and honor and virtue. Live your truths. Be the kind of man you want your daughter to want to marry someday.

Yesterday would have been Emmett's 38th birthday. If he were here I know there are many things he would say to all the fathers in his life. And I am sure as he watched his five children celebrate, for the 7th time, without him . . . Emmett wants all Father's to remember this:

We only get one chance to raise them. Don't waste your days making extra dollars or bigger muscles, use your days making extra memories and more smiles. 

Children deserve a father who teaches them how to use grace, we don't need to be perfect, just humble. Children deserve a father who is there for them. Chose choices that keep you safe and go home every night. Children deserve to see their parents as often as possible. Children deserve peace. Do all that you can to give them stability and consistency. 

Be their friend, but also their father. Teach them to love others over themselves. Show them how to find their purpose, tell them every day that being their dad is one of yours. 

Believe in your kids. Encourage them, tell them they are good. Use words to lift them up, but always use actions to help them believe your words. Don't spend your days wishing they were different, I promise you will wish this time back someday. 

Live for them now, so you don't regret the life you didn't get to give them. Don't let the darkness make you loose sight of what is important, no amount of money, or flattery, or praise from the world will make up for the broken hearts who needed you. 

Never put another person, including yourself, above your family. They deserve the best parts of you. Your family will always remember the person you are today, but the man you show up to be tomorrow, they will never forget. Don't die with regrets . . . that is hell. And to live with purpose, that is how you find heaven. 

God gave you this gift of fatherhood, make it count. Take control of what really is important to you, and be that man today. We have enough fatherless children, go home and tell them you love them. 

Now is your time, please, please don't wait. Before it is too late. Make it right. No matter how far you have gone away, turn back and start again. 

No regrets. Love them unconditionally, that is the greatest gift they need right now, not money. The most important gift you can give your children today . . . is YOU. 

Be the man you always wanted to be. I promise you won't regret it. 


What do you want your children's story to be? Today they are writing it. No matter where you have been, I urge you to figure out your crap and go show up as the one they deserve. I know it is possible!!! Fear will tell you it doesn't matter. But it does. Today we act for ourselves, instead of living out of fear. Fear is what takes a father away. Fear they need to make more money to be valuable. Fear they need to be perfect before they can go home and be the father their kids deserve. Fear they aren't enough, stops them from being anything.

To the many children who have felt abandoned, forgotten, or alone. This was not your fault. You are still lovable, and worthy of an amazing life. Forgive the one who didn't give you all you deserved and believe in the future. You didn't choose this story, and you can decide how it ends. Be everything for your children, and the people in your life, that they weren't for you. Turn it into good. You have the power to change their story.

The parts of our stories we can't control, are only a fraction of the ones we are meant to live. You can make a difference, in your story, and in the story of all the people you were born to love.

Hi 5 Live with Ashlee

I was asked to be on a Facebook Live show called Hi 5 Live. Somehow my phone saved the recording. So bonus. I posted it on Youtube. It is Emmett's birthday today, thank you all for sending love for him. We will take it on to his family this weekend at their annual birthday celebration. Have a great weekend.

To read more about these stories I shared on this episode click on the link below:
A few hard days and then faith in the plan

Failure

I need to apologize. In January I announced that Shawn and I had just finished up the process of a divorce.  I did it with no warning. I was so scared to be viewed as a failure—so afraid that I was letting everyone down. I was so afraid to even just write it. So scared to read the ‘see . . . we told you that this would fail’—s that I knew would come. And they did. Because that is who we are—human beings—all of us imperfect, trying to do our best to hold it all together—all the while judging those who cannot accomplish what we too fail to be. Sometimes we aren’t kind to each other. And in a moment when I already feared failure, some people were unkind to me.

But this is not anything new. Because I received similar attacks when I lost my husband to murder seven years ago. People blaming me, and putting me down. So today I wanted to share how it made me feel—both times—in a moment when I needed support, to have some people try to tear me down.

And I am not sharing this as a way to get anyone to change their feelings about what you view as my failures—because I don’t really care what you think. But there are people around you, whether in your real life—or your virtual life—who can’t see past your dark words. They feel like they are drowning. The things people say are hurting them so deep, they can’t stop the pain. They feel alone every single day. They have had to make grown up choices that they have felt unprepared to make. They are raising babies by themselves, not because it is easy . . . but because life doesn’t always turn out like we planned. Maybe their circumstances are because of their own poor choices, but maybe—just maybe—they didn’t have another choice to make. Maybe your put downs will help them see what a failure you think they are . . . or maybe they will literally send them over the edge of the dark cliff they are already hanging from.

We may think we have all the answers for everyone around us, but what I have learned to be true is . . . we don’t have one. Each person—whether rich or poor, tall or short, male or female—we are all capable of making our own choices. Unfortunately those ready to make choices will also have to stand accountable to God for their decisions . . . but too will they stand before Him in the choices they make that are not as black and white—decisions only He knows all the different parts to. And just like you, the people you see as failures . . . might just being doing their best. And maybe—just maybe—what you view as their failure, could be the very thing God asked them to do . . . to succeed.

So I just want to throw out a challenge to this big fat universe full of opinions and words. The challenge is that we use this gift of technology—of knowledge, of freedom of speech . . . to bring light. We have enough bullies in our own minds, we don’t need to keep hurting each other. If someone is going through a hard time . . . take the opportunity to lift them up. They already see their own failures, what they need today is a friend—because they may not even have one of those in themselves.

To be Christ like we don’t need to be the ultimate judge—but we have been asked to be the ultimate friend. And a friend is someone who doesn’t see differences as failures—but believes in the person who is trying their best to succeed.

Thank you to all my friends who have stood with me through all the roads I have been asked to walk. You make a difference in my life, and your light brightens my world. Thank you for your examples of love, support, and friendship. 

Divorce

As I stand at a crossroad in my life— this past month—I have been guided to some really tough choices. Like many times before... leading me to a path I did not choose. But after years of fighting some impossible battles...to avoid this reality, I wanted to share with those of you who have followed our healing journey—Shawn and I are officially divorced.

It has not been an easy choice—letting go of the family I thought we had created—and there are parts of our life together I will always be so grateful for. We made it through some impossible days, but as time has gone on, we were both finding strength in two different paths and there came a time when we no longer could support each other on those journeys.

I have—and always will—see Jordyn as one of my own. She and I have always had a strong connection and are a lot a like. My heart hurts not having her apart of our daily lives.

I don’t want to dwell on the “whys” and “what ifs”, I have already asked all of those questions many times. So what I would ask of all of you—moving forward—is that we focus on the positives that life will bring and rally around six children who are hurting and in transition.

Shawn and I shared many good days, many of which I have felt impressed to share on social media, other days...we fought silent battles we didn’t feel the desire to open to the world. We gave each other strength during a hard time of life, and I hope that no one turns this into a reason to be unkind or lose faith in the many blessings we each receive to give us strength on our unique paths.

I am at peace, and I know that— just like in other pivotal moments in my life—God has a plan for me and believes in me as a mother, a woman, a wife, and as a person capable of giving and receiving love. I have faith that I can and will continue to be the woman I have always strived to be.

I don’t know how much time I am going to need to get things figured out for the future, but I pray that this community—of fighters that have held us up so many times before—will stand with us as we continue on a journey we started long ago...with a promise of peace and healing and all the light this world has to offer.

I don’t think anyone plans that one day they will have to choose divorce, but I do know that we can choose to be happy regardless of the circumstances we find ourselves in—in life. And we can choose to move forward. I have so much to be thankful for. And I am grateful for each of you and your continued support and understanding as I—just like you—navigate an unknown future full of valleys and mountains. Continually passing through lessons to help me find courage in myself, and even greater faith in our God.

He is real, and we need His strength through the good times, and the hard. Those crossroads—the days that feel impossible and lonely—they are just moments. Moments that we can still choose to stand.

Anything but normal

Last night I was getting frustrated with my washing machine. A few months back it started acting up and wouldn't add water into the tank. I experimented and found that if I ran it on the delicate cycle it worked just fine. Then I tried the bedding cycle—worked perfectly. So I tried, on the third load, to go back to the normal setting and run it again. Nothing. Dry as a bone. 

So for the last few months—instead of calling a repairman like a "normal" person—I have just run the machine on all the settings, except normal. Yesterday my frustrations were reignited when I forgot and tried to run the machine on the normal setting. Figuring out at the end of the cycle that the machine hadn’t even begun to do its job. The clothes had gone through the cycle, but since no water had been added to the machine they were still dry . . . and dirty.

What is normal? A destination we want to reach? What we think others are—and we should want to become? Is the ideal of “normal” something that inspires us to set goals, or just a word that makes us believe we aren’t good enough the way we are?

 Normal. It is just a setting on my washing machine, but as of right now, even on my washing machine “normal” is pretty useless.

What is normal in an individual? And in a family? I think we all have an idea of what a family should look like—an ideal setting in which we want to strive to live. As individuals we set goals to become something we are not currently living as, and hopes for what we want others to become. Only in families, when we have our heart set on “normal” we almost always fail, because the truth is: “normal” isn’t real.

NONE of us are normal. And just like my washer, no matter how many times I try to force it into that “setting”—or we try to live in the belief of becoming “normal”—or mistakenly forget that it doesn’t work for us—but accidently try to start using it again—something is going to go wrong. We stop living life as us, and begin aspiring to an unachievable goal. And we go through the motions—of the “normal” life . . . but in the end we are still just a pile of dirty clothes. Sometimes wondering if we are in the wrong place because our path doesn’t look like we thought that it should. Our families feel anything but normal and we start to wonder if our need to feel “normal” would better be achieved somewhere else.

So where do we reach that goal? Can it ever be achieved in the un“normal” settings we have all been placed in? We want to be happy, but our belief that we first have to be normal . . . is making us miserable.

Look at your family. They are everything but “normal” right? Ya. Me too. But they are right where we belong.

Every family looks different. Some have only one parent. Some have no children. Some families are two families blended together into one. Some kids have to go back and forth between two houses—other kids wished they had a house to live. Some children have a birth mom and live with parents who look nothing like them. In some households everyone looks almost exactly the same. Some couples wished they could have a baby—others don’t know what to do with the news that a baby is on the way. 

Humans. Not one of us is the same. We each have a story—a unique journey that has made us who we are. Some of us were planned—some of us were surprises. Some of us have dark skin— others have light. Some of us have brown eyes, and others got their blue eyes from a father they have never met. But not one of us is normal. And we were never supposed to be. Unique and different from one person to another—and one family to the next.

So many nights I have cried with a prayerful plea that I could just be “normal” again. Some of these moments have been a cry for the pain to be taken from me; others a hope that my past could be erased. Some days have been a wish that one of our daughters didn’t have to flip flop between two houses, and the others didn’t have to know firsthand what murder was. “Normal” began to be a destination I thought I could fight to reach—but every day I see that it is a mystical place that no one was ever supposed to be.

Satan uses it as a goal we are supposed to strive for, so we always wonder what is wrong with us. Never fully living in our own truths—always having a thought at the back of our mind that our differences keep us from that goal.

So in light of our very un“normal” blended family’s anniversary I petition that we ban the normal setting in our minds—just like my washing machine—and start seeing the good that comes from looking at our families, and ourselves, with the delicate setting as our goal.

God believes in you. He believes in families. He believes in love. He believes in making right our wrongs. He believes in us . . . as broken, blended, delicate, fractured, and imperfect as we are.

So to all my un“normal” friends. Thanks for loving the broken me, that has shared my heart with all of you. Thanks for believing in this far from “normal” blended family that I get to call mine every single day. Thanks for living your stories, as hard and emotional as they have been. For sharing your struggles and triumphs with me and helping me understand how special each journey can be.

Normal really is just a setting on a washing machine—and if you ask me it is over rated. You are delicate, and your life is beautiful. With all the bumps and bruises, and smiles in between.

Five years ago Shawn and I made the biggest decision of our lives. We became a blended family.

Has it been easy? Nope. Were we prepared for it? No. Has it been perfect? Not at all. Have there been days when one or the other of us has thought we made a mistake and wished we could just be "normal"? Absolutely.  

But I would do it all again . . .

The crazy part of life is that we never know what it has in store. We can try to map it out, and create plans but the truth is, the only thing we can plan is that our map will have some twists and turns. 

Be prepared to take some leaps. Be willing to jump. Have faith that God's plan will be greater than the one you always thought you would live. And then live it. Own it. And make the most of every moment. Like it was all on purpose. 

Happy Anniversary to the man who has stood by my side through the hardest of days—but also the sweetest of memories. I don’t know how we made it through, but I am so thankful I am here with you. There has been nothing normal about our life, but I love that we fight every day to live it.

Love you Shawn.

Post about our marriage: 
http://www.themomentswestand.com/2014/05/what-if-i-jump.html

How does it feel when parents divorce

Jordyn's turn to tell us how it feels on her end of our blended family. How does it feel when parents divorce? 

I asked her a few questions and she answered:

How did it feel when your parents divorced? 

What was the hardest part then and now?

What would you tell yourself if you could go back?

What advise would you have for a kid going through it now?

Advise for parents getting a divorce?

And then she just talked about different topics she wanted to say. 

Thank you sweet Jordyn for sharing your heart!!

Blended

This week on Instagram and Facebook I mentioned Shawn and I were going to be starting some new projects for blended families. I have received so many amazing emails from many of you. Some have made me cry, some have made me laugh . . . but all of them have helped us realize we are not alone on this road.  

I am so excited to be partnering with my partner to share our experiences—good and bad—of our journey of blending a family.

We had no clue how hard blending a family was going to be. We were talking this weekend about some of the bumps in the road we have faced, how broken we have felt, and sometimes alone in this journey to blend our family.

We are excited to be investigating the "blended family". Getting real about struggles, triumphs, challenges, heartbreak and the beauty of a second chance.

Are you in a blended family? We would love to hear from you. What challenges are you up against? What struggles are you battling today that you would want information about? What tools have worked for your family that could help others? What advise would you give to families about to become blended? Do you have any "what not to dos"...like us? Please share.

Email us at themomentswestand@gmail.com or feel free to leave questions and comments below.


I made a new Facebook page that will be specifically devoted to our blended family projects! 
A family worth blending on Facebook