Protect marriage . . . It matters

Today I want to talk about the subject of marriage. From the beginning of time marriage has been the foundation of humanity. It all started with Adam and Eve. Marriage gives structure to what otherwise could just be a civilization full of intimate relationships without any connections or ties to each other. It is so important to have healthy marriages to make up our societies . . . but why is it so hard?

First marriage, second marriage . . . fourth marriage—whatever your marriage looks like at this point . . . you can attest, that some moments are not easy. We are different—men and woman— and all marriages take work, compromise, faith, patience, and a whole lot of love, that—some days—is very hard to remember.

And if you haven’t yet hit bumps in the road . . . I am pretty sure you are the exception. And if you think you will never hit bumps in the road . . . I am pretty sure you are in denial.

So how do we win? If statistics tell us that our relationships are more than likely going to fail, and the world tells us that if it isn’t easy—then it can’t be love. How the hell are we going to survive?

We have a constant enemy on our back—orchestrating the demise of any and all healthy relationships. He sends temptations, addictions, anxiety, insecurities, unrealistic expectations, fear, betrayal, and lies that shake us to our core. And he has created so much chaos in our world that marriage is no longer considered important. Rings mean nothing. Vows, promises, covenants . . . are all foggy. He has taken what once was important and turned it into something that sometimes seems impossible—healthy lasting relationships, the protection of our families.

Some years ago. . . I always just assumed that people would protect my marriage—my husband, being the first I always thought would have my back. He didn’t. And that hurt. A lot of times I assumed a wedding ring was all the protection anyone would need—a symbol of the promises and vows they had made. I had no idea that even when wearing a ring—or seeing another person with a symbol of their marital status clearly on their finger—people would flirt, and flaunt, and purposefully entice someone that isn’t theirs. They do, and that hurts.

We are not perfect. That is one of the hardest parts about marriage—they are made up of two imperfect people with pasts. Everyone in this world is hurting in some way—whether they acknowledge it or not, or understand the significance the past has played in who they have become—every life encounters some form of disappointment . . . some easier to forget than others.  But nonetheless, we are all individuals with pain, triggers, fears, and trials sometimes bigger than we think we are strong. So how do keep our relationships strong, if—as individuals—we are not perfect?

It’s pretty simple really—most of it we learned in preschool. Be kind. Share. Obey the rules. Live our truths. Be honest, even when we know we will disappoint. Be virtuous, even when no one is looking. Acknowledge the roles we play. Care about more than just ourselves. Be forgiving, and ask for repentance. Fight for—instead of against—each other.

It was easy to see back then, when the world seemed so simple—not so easy to see now when we get so stuck in our own ways.

Our world is hurting: calamities, addictions, secrets, lies, broken homes, broken hearts, broken children, wives, and husbands; failed marriages, broken souls who don’t seem to care if they hurt anyone—broken spirits who sometimes delight in the pain of others. And fear runs it all.

So what role are we playing? Are we protecting the marriages of our society? Are we honoring ourselves and the people around us by the way behave in public, or in the quiet of our own homes. Are we showing our children the sanctity that marriage is supposed to be? Are we honest in our vows, even when no one else is watching?

Our actions do matter, and so do our marriages. So protect them. If that cute guy has a ring . . . find another one, there are literally millions. Honor yourself and his family by saying no. Please. If you have promised yourself to someone—be true. Don’t do life half way. Be real, and don’t forget their faces in the choices that you make. Even when the world tells you “your actions won’t impact anyone else” . . . don’t buy it. Everything you do makes a difference—for bad or good.

We need homes that are strong. We need marriages that last, and we need a society that fights—fights for the unions that make up our people. Fights for strong families, strong children, and strong homes. Fights for their own dignity—protecting not just themselves, but the others in their world.

The fidelity of our society matters; the integrity of our people creates our nations. And it starts with us. Stand tall as a noble son or daughter of God. Your choices to protect cannot only save lives . . . it can change our world.

If you have secret relationships that are clouding your view of the person you always thought you would be, it is not too late. Life isn’t over until it is. Make today count. You are worth fighting for. That dark fog, that has made you think you aren’t worthy of grace . . . of real love . . . of a strong marriage. It is the lie. You don’t have to live in the fog. Change the story—for the families, for the spouses . . . and for yourself. You are enough.

Protect marriage. It matters.

Jordyn on her tenth birthday

(Birthday Breakfast with Jordyn this morning)

I remember the day we met. It was rainy outside. I was a little nervous. This world—of dates and meeting his child—was all new to me. With five kids at home, I thought my heart was already full. And then there you were. You looked just like my cabbage patch doll from years ago...only with sparkly eyes that told me stories. Since that moment I knew we were made to be together. You have had your ups and downs. Adoption, divorce...and then a new family. But you just kept shinning. Because that is what you do. Your personality is more like me than any of the children I saw take their first breath. You are brave—a warrior spirit. You know what you want and you never give up. Don't you ever let the world tell you you are different. You were created perfectly...unique and one of a kind. Your story is beautiful. You are gorgeous, you are smart and you are happy! Love you precious beautiful birthday girl! Thank you for making my life brighter and making me a mother again. Thank you for being one of the blessings of a greater plan. I didn't get to see you on the day you were born...I didn't get to pick you up and sign adoption papers. I didn't even get to see you take your first steps or say your first word. But it isn't blood or skin or papers that make a person part of a family...it is love. And I love being your mom! 

Sisters

They weren’t born in the same city, or to the same mother. They don’t have the same DNA or ancestor line. They both have curly hair, but one is black and one is blonde.

They didn’t always know they would be related.

But once they found each other they knew they were meant to be family. They call each other sister every morning and every night.

They hold hands while they sleep—and sneak into each other’s twin beds—because they love each other. They are sisters.

Some might say they are naïve, but I would say these two are right. There isn’t a blood test—or a piece of paper—I would believe over this picture. They were born to be sisters.

And when God created them differently, He knew they would find love for each other anyway. He wants us to love. He wants us to love despite our differences. He wants us to find a brother, even in those who don’t look the same. He wants us to live with grace, even when we don’t see eye to eye. He wants us to see beauty, even when we are tempted by hate.

Guns were created to unite and protect—now all they seem to be doing is drifting us apart. Long ago wars were fought in honor of a country, now nations turn against themselves. The wars are no longer far away. They are in our back yards, our own cities, and even in the walls of our own homes.

We live in a time when we learn to protect ourselves, not each other.

So where are we safe? If everyone who is different than us is seen as an enemy . . . guess we really are alone. And then we wonder why our marriages fail, our children hurt, and our babies walk into schools with guns.

Because our enemy—our real enemy—turns us against our brothers. So instead of fighting him, we fight each other.

Because we are being made to believe that we are alone. He wants us to fear we have no brothers or sisters or friends. The battles he wants to get us to fight are of self-preservation, fear, and chaos—while believing we have no teammates. He wants us to feel alone, and sadly . . . we do.  

So he uses race to blind us from seeing our connection. He uses gender differences to pull couples apart. He uses economical status to make us feel superior or insignificant. He uses eye color to take down nations. He uses religion to separate faith. He uses our uniqueness to ignite hate.

When we kill, we are not honoring our Creator—even if we dedicate our victories to Him. The battles that we can fight to honor our God will be the ones we fight against Satan. When we chose our families over our selfishness. When we walk away from a temptation to hate, or hurt, or blame. When we stop seeing in religion, race, and color. When we put down our addictions and let him heal us. The victories we can celebrate with Christ are the battles we win with grace.

Grace—the love of Christ. It is there. When we build our families instead of tear them down. When we say no to hate. When we get on our knees and pray for strength against our own pride. When we are honest, and virtuous, and bring hope. When we allow others to be who they were created to be, without seeing their differences as threatening. When we can see anyone as our brother.

Christ healed with love, and so can we.

It is not race that separates us from each other—it is our failures to see that we are all connected.

God made us unique so we don’t have to all be the same—not to make us feel alone. Don’t let it win. You are never alone. The lies of chaos and fear and being used to bring us down, but we can’t let them win. Unite.

So maybe it is hate, or envy, or pride that tells us we are not all brothers—but the truth is: we were all created from the same God.

I don’t want to sound like Miss America standing on the stage and saying that I just want world peace, but that is exactly what we need.

We all have one enemy. Fight. World. Stop fighting each other—and start fighting the real battles that are destroying us. Let us forgive each other, for all the things we do not understand. Let us stand up and find the good in one another, even when the differences are easier to see.

Let us unite our faiths, because even though they seem to make us different—if they bring us closer to our Creator, does it matter that some of us go to temples, and others gain their strength in synagogues? Faith is seeing God’s hand in your life. In the little moments, and the big ones. It is finding strength when it feels like all is lost. We have all been broken by the world, but it is faith that builds us again.

I have faith in us—and in the God who created us to be brothers and sisters.  I know He sent His Son to die for us—so all this pain and hurt and fear could one day be healed.

I plead with you world. Fight.

Fight for your marriages. Fight for your babies. Fight for yourself. And stand with God.

A family worth blending: 10 epic fails

Last night Shawn and I were getting ready for bed and decided we needed to do a five minute video on the struggles of being a step parent for our blended family segment. 

Thirty minutes later we had covered 10 of our epic fails. So here you go. Blended families, many of you will relate to some of these epic fails of ours, but we would love to hear about yours! Also maybe a list of 10 of your triumphs that will help others in their crazy cycle. 

We all have a cycle of our unique challenges. Weaknesses in our families. Broken pieces in ourselves.  Insecurities and annoyances. But I know that these are there to help us fight to become stronger. The more we become aware of our personal cycles, the easier it will be to overcome and stop them before they get out of control. 

Hope everyone has a great Wednesday! Thank you in advance for your comments here and on Youtube about your crazy cycle, your families epic fails, and the ways that you have overcome them! 

We appreciate all the emails and stories! Helps this journey not feel so daunting and lonely. All families have challenges, blended or not! So I hope all of you know you aren't alone, on those days when it feels like your house is falling apart and you just want to give up. So many of us have been there. The pain, the fear, and the heart ache that life brings is real! But it is worth the fight. 

Keep fighting families! We believe in you. God believes in you! The real enemy in our lives is not each other. So don't give up! Every minute of every day fight to bring light to your life. It will always win. 

Let me feel . . . so I can let go

First off . . . don't you love the random faces Youtube pics to set as the video picture? Yes, me too. 

Thank you for your sweet emails, those of you who have been sharing how these tools have helped strengthened your relationships these last few weeks. 

I am so grateful for modern technology that lets me record my thoughts I want to blog about on days where I have no time! Today on my grocery store outing I starting thinking about many things. A friend who's husband passed away last week and other friends struggling to find ways to help her family; some of my kids who are struggling; my own marriage that seems to have ups and downs daily. And how to apply all the truths I know to these relationships and scenerios.

And as I have been learning new skills, I am trying so hard to apply them! Like I said the other day . . . we all want to be better than we were the day before. Application comes a lot less natural than the learning of new ideas. So we need to be patient with ourselves. We won't be perfect right away. It is application and testing that will help us really gain a strong testimony of the skills we learn. The universe has defiantly been putting mine to the test and asking me to learn to be more patient and loving along the way. 

One day at a time friends. One day at a time. We are all overwhelmed, tired, worn down, and exhausted some days. Tired of doing the same patterns that get us to a place where we feel we aren't being heard or seen in the way we want to be. 

Imperfect beings striving to live perfectly in an imperfect world . . . well not today. Today we embrace our fears, or anger, and our hurt. Not to allow them to be our allies anymore hiding deep inside, trying to "protect us" from pain. But embrace them and allow them to feel so they can stop fighting and begging to have all the power. 

Kind of like a young child who acts out, because any attention is better than no attention, our emotions will continue to cry from the pit we have hid them in until we can acknowledge them in healthy ways. 

The people around us need that as well. To feel validated and seen. Acknowledging their struggle, without forcing your view on how they can fix it, can and will change your relationships. You will become a safe place for others to use as a sounding board as they fight their own battles and find answers to their problems. 

I am learning so many knew things and I enjoy sharing and learning from all of you. 

What things are you learning or trying today to make your world a better place? I would love to hear from you. Leave a comment or email me topics you want to hear about, or struggles you are overcoming with new skills! We are all in this together. We are fighting similar battles, just different wars. But we aren't alone. Thank goodness for that. 

How does it feel when parents divorce

Jordyn's turn to tell us how it feels on her end of our blended family. How does it feel when parents divorce? 

I asked her a few questions and she answered:

How did it feel when your parents divorced? 

What was the hardest part then and now?

What would you tell yourself if you could go back?

What advise would you have for a kid going through it now?

Advise for parents getting a divorce?

And then she just talked about different topics she wanted to say. 

Thank you sweet Jordyn for sharing your heart!!

Dear God . . . why did you choose me?

Dear God,

I didn’t know it would change me.

The moment they looked into my eyes I knew I was never going to be the same. I was now a mother. Every move I made—for the rest of my life—was no longer going to just effect me. I had a purpose much greater than any I had ever had before.

I felt so capable, knowing that you had put so much trust in me. I felt strong and courageous and ever so willing. I just knew I was going to do it perfectly. So I set off on what I thought would be a perfect journey . . . of motherhood.  

Then life got in the way. At first I just pretended I couldn’t see the moments I would fall short—I thought if I ignored them they would disappear. I believed if I didn’t acknowledge that I was sometimes failing—at things I thought would come so easy—I would be able to overcome them. So I continued to chart my perfect course.

 Yet, every day since I am reminded of just how insignificant I am, usually only in my mind. The house is never—always—clean. The food sometimes burns. Some days we are lucky if there is food prepared at dinner time. The weeds take over the garden. The watermelon falls out the back of the car and bursts all over the driveway. But worst of all . . . many times I fail at the one thing I thought I could do perfectly—motherhood.  

Sometimes I wonder why you chose me. Flawed. Emotional. Imperfect.

I look in the mirror and can easily see every disappointment I have ever been. Yet each day, I end the night with a prayer that tomorrow I can be better—more patient and loving . . . more perfect. Then morning comes and—as I pry myself out of bed—I am reminded of all the things that I am not.

The list of to dos is longer than the hours I have in the day. The pile of laundry multiplies over night. Everyone needs me for something. Appointments. Assignments. Ballet classes. Soccer practice. Basketball games. Report we forgot to do is due tomorrow. Homework still needs to be done. Date night has been pushed aside for a month. When was the last time I washed my hair? I forgot to put the clothes in the dryer . . . two days ago.

Some nights we pour a bowl of cereal for dinner—as I remember all the pictures of friend’s perfect dinners I saw posted on Facebook—I wonder why it seems everyone has everything all together but me.

Sometimes I yell . . . over stupid stuff. Little insignificant annoyances that just don’t seem to let up. Kids fighting, or sassing, or messing up my plan.

Sometimes I wonder . . . if I had known how hard it was going to be—would I do it all over again?

And then I stop in my tracks, because that is THE one thing I know for sure. Even though I am flawed, and imperfect and some days a disaster of a mess—I was born to be a mom. And that is my truth.

So today I guess I just want to say thank you for believing in me, even though I am broken. Thank you for loving me even when I mess up. For patiently reminding me to love, even when I have nothing left. For giving me wisdom—in just the perfect moment— to find a reason to be better.

Thank you for sending me answers I could not find on my own. For giving me strength to stand just when I think I have nothing left.

I feel you all around me, when I take the time to listen. I see that grace is the power that pulls me through, when the nights get long and the days get hard.

So though, today I might forget. I truly want to be patient. I want to be loving and fun. I want to be creative, organized, and have it all together. Heck I even want to make some of those amazing dinners I only see in pictures.

But—if we are going to be honest—You know that I am not going to measure up in all of these things every single day. So my prayer today is that I don’t forget the things that are the most important. Help me remember to see this family how You see them . . . but even more, help me to see me . . . just as you created me to be.

Help me to be who I am supposed to be so I can be there for my babies in the ways they need, so they—my children—will remember that they were Your children first.

Help me remember today—as I fail at many things—that I am right where I belong.

Today as I send my babies out into the world—send them angels to protect them. Help them to make a difference wherever they may be. Help them to see those who need help, and need a friend. Help them to remember all that I have tried to show them. Please bless me this day with wisdom—to know where to spend my time. Please give me strength this day to let go of the expectations of what I think I should be. Please help me to see the bigger picture—that I may be the instrument to help them feel of Your love.

If I am to lose my way today, please send me reminders of the truths that I am forgetting. I know I have an enemy who wants me to dwell on all the things I am not—please help me to be strong as I battle through and live my truths.

Because the truth is—I am a perfect mess but—I am the woman you chose to be the mother of this home. So if we were meant to have it all together—then I guess we already would.

Give me courage to let go of the insecurities that only hold me back, and strength to remember the truths that will help me become—not as I think I should be—but as You created me to be.

My random thoughts tonight about how insecurities suck . . . and why I fight.

Mothers Day is just around the corner . . . please remember to encourage the mothers you know who are making a difference in all the right ways . . . especially you! 

Spring Clean

These last few weeks I have been spring cleaning like never before. Not so much for a clean house, but for a clearer mind. I feel like anytime there is chaos around me, I am filled with more anxiety and it effects my relationships and the roles that I am wanting to be stronger in my home. 

So I needed to get rid of some stuff. For many reasons...but mainly it was part of my journey of letting go. 

I got rid of 3/4 of the possessions in my own closet...many things I had been holding onto for years and years. Many of which carried a lot of negative memories that pulled me down every time I saw them. 

Found a lot of things throughout the house that triggered some of the fears of my past. So I made this short video of why I didn't let those fears or triggers win. Warning... prepare to see some hoarding at its finest! 😜

This video is not intended for helping others learn to organize...I am the last person to give advise on that--but will hopefully help anyone in the grieving process know they aren't alone--some of these triggers and things we hold onto that don't always make sense in our minds are all part of the healing journey after trauma.

So here is a small documentary of some of those little moments in my cleaning project. Thoughts on how to overcome things that are easy to avoid, and hopefully if nothing else motivation for you to purge your life of things that don't have a purpose or place or bring you happiness. 

Happy Dejunk your life day! 

Related posts: Dear Trauma

A family worth blending

Blended

This week on Instagram and Facebook I mentioned Shawn and I were going to be starting some new projects for blended families. I have received so many amazing emails from many of you. Some have made me cry, some have made me laugh . . . but all of them have helped us realize we are not alone on this road.  

I am so excited to be partnering with my partner to share our experiences—good and bad—of our journey of blending a family.

We had no clue how hard blending a family was going to be. We were talking this weekend about some of the bumps in the road we have faced, how broken we have felt, and sometimes alone in this journey to blend our family.

We are excited to be investigating the "blended family". Getting real about struggles, triumphs, challenges, heartbreak and the beauty of a second chance.

Are you in a blended family? We would love to hear from you. What challenges are you up against? What struggles are you battling today that you would want information about? What tools have worked for your family that could help others? What advise would you give to families about to become blended? Do you have any "what not to dos"...like us? Please share.

Email us at themomentswestand@gmail.com or feel free to leave questions and comments below.


I made a new Facebook page that will be specifically devoted to our blended family projects! 
A family worth blending on Facebook