Death and Taxes
I remember exactly where I was in Sixth Grade when,
for the first time, I heard the saying, “Death and taxes.” I was sitting in my
mom’s bedroom trying to explain to her why I wanted ‘out’ of something I was
supposed to do. She was reminding me that although she was very aware of the
fact that I didn’t have to do
anything . . . some things are inevitable. She taught me the concept that—in
spite of our desires to the contrary—every citizen of the United States will
have to pay taxes . . . and each of us will one day die. Paying taxes was a
concept that was very far away for me, and at that time in my life . . . death
was just a word. Neither of those things seemed like something I would ever
have to worry about. I didn’t realize the truthfulness of her lesson, but I
loved the power that came from her words. There weren’t many things in life I had to do. It was kind of exciting
thinking of life that way . . . feeling
the power of my own strength.
Before Emmett’s death, our family had already come
to feel the pain of death . . . but taxes had not been something I had put much
energy into. They were always taken care of for me. Emmett handled most of the
business side of our family obligations. I really had no idea of what I had to
do in that area.
After Emmett died and springtime came . . . I found
myself facing tax season on my own. At first, I was overwhelmed, but luckily
Emmett had been very organized and our accountant already had everything he
needed to file my taxes for me. We had been in contact many times, and I hadn’t
had to think a lot about it. It was a miracle. I was relieved that this part of
my journey alone seemed to be fairly simple.
One day my phone rang. It was our accountant. “Hey
Ashlee,” he said, “this is Rick Sager. I . . . um . . . so since Kandi was an
employee of Emmett’s, technically, now that Emmett is gone . . . she is in
there . . . as one of your employees. In 2010, she worked for you guys. So, I
have tried with all my might to contact someone who can change this . . . but .
. . but . . . uh, I can’t get you out of it . . . and I know you already have
so much on your plate . . . but legally . . .
man, I feel like I’m pouring salt into your wounds . . . but I’m going
to need you to write a big check for her employee taxes for 2010. That’s the
only thing left for us to do. Emmett had given me everything else that an employer
does for an employee, but he hadn’t yet written that check. I am so sorry. I
have tried everything to avoid this call . . . but I don’t think there is any way
around it. Legally as her employer . . . her employee taxes have to be paid by
you. I will need a check within the week to pay Kandi’s employee taxes. And
unfortunately, you will have to do it again next year for this year’s taxes as
well.”
I felt like a trapped baby deer surrounded by
hunters. I didn’t even know what to begin to say. I tried to wrap my mind around
the fact that I had all this anger towards this woman . . . and now I had to
pay her taxes as well! I felt sick to my stomach. Hadn’t I already given up
enough for her? Weren’t the sacrifices I had already made for her sufficient
for all eternity? Couldn’t she just pay her own taxes? There had to be an
easier way out of this one. Someone had to
listen to my story and feel my pain . . . and find a solution for me. There was
no way I could do this . . . and I shouldn’t have to.
I stewed about it for days. I was pissed off! I
didn’t deserve this. I had already given up enough for Kandi. I made up my mind
that I would not being paying those taxes . . . even if the IRS themselves came
to my door. It was not going to happen! I did some online research. I called some
of Emmett’s attorney friends. I even contacted the IRS myself, but the more I
sought for a way out . . . the more I tried to find a loophole . . . the more I
realized there was no way around it. I would have to pay those taxes. I would
have to write that check.
Heavenly Father couldn’t bail me out of this one.
There are only two things in this world we cannot get out of . . . death . . . and
taxes. I had known that for years. However, I never realized how true it was
until I was forced to pay the taxes for a woman . . . a woman who was sleeping
with my husband! A woman whose husband had shot and killed mine. In my mind, she was the reason I was a widow. She was the one who had put herself between two men . . . forcing
their confrontation. She was the
reason I was in this situation, and now . . . they were asking me to take money
. . . money I needed to support my children . . . to sacrifice for HER? I was angry. I felt sorry for
myself. I felt like everything that had already been unjust and unfair . . .
had reached the very pinnacle of total absurdity. It was inhumane! It wasn’t
about the amount of money, but it was
about the principle. I shouldn’t have to suffer or sacrifice anything more for HER!
I didn’t sleep well for a few nights. I huffed and
puffed and tried with all of my heart to figure my way out the mess. One night,
after I had tucked my kids into bed, I went to the computer to do more research
to find my “easy out clause.” As I sat in my chair, a paper fell out of the
basket right above my head. I picked it up. It was a sheet of quotes my sister
had given me. She had received it from an Institute class on a night when I was
struggling because Emmett had left on a trip before his death. The quotes were
all about forgiveness . . . a long list of quotes.
“And blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be
called the children of God.” (King James
Bible: Matthew 5:9).
“Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for
an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but
whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And
if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. And whosoever shall
compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and
from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.” (King James Bible: Matthew 5:38-42).
“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water
the seeds of your future happiness.”
“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another,
if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do
ye.” (King James Bible: Colossians 3:13).
“But if ye
forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your
trespasses.” (King James Bible: Matthew 6:15).
“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them
that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which
despitefully use you, and persecute you;” (King
James Bible: Matthew. 5:44).
“But I say unto you, that ye shall not resist evil,
but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also;”
(Book of Mormon: 3 Nephi 12:39).
It felt so simple . . . so certain. It was as if
God had come and grabbed my bullheaded little face and said, “Ash . . . AGAIN .
. . this is not about . . . YOU. I have asked you to walk in faith. I have seen
that you have been wronged. I can see that you are hurting. I am so sorry . . .
but I need you to not only have faith in me, I need you to turn the other
cheek.” I knew what I had to do.
I opened up the cupboard and grabbed my checkbook.
I got a pen from the drawer. I opened up to a clean, blank check, and I began
to write. Writing that check . . . in that moment . . . felt like I was being
asked to give up my firstborn child. My heart pounded with every movement of my
pen. I was angry at her for all she had done to my family. I was angry that she
was the one he had chosen that horrible night. I hated that I HAD to write that check . . . but I knew
I could do it. Something stronger than me had given me the ability to do it. I
signed that check, with regret, but I also signed it with faith.
He wasn’t asking me to pay those taxes for anyone
but Him. I wrote that check, not for Rick . . . not for Kandi . . . not for the
IRS . . . and not even for myself. I wrote that check for God. I wrote each
number one by one . . . because HE asked me to. Heavenly Father knew how hard
it was going to be for me to write it. He watched me. He felt my pain that day.
He saw the money leave my hand . . . to go to pay for HER. He knew it wouldn’t
be easy. He never promised that it would be, but it was a sacrifice I could
make . . . because I loved HIM.
I didn’t deserve to have to sacrifice for her, but
I did it anyway. I did it for Christ. Our Savior didn’t deserve to sacrifice
for me, but He did it because our Father had asked him to . . . and He loved
His Son . . . and He loves me. None of us are exempt from the pain of this
world. There will not always be an easy way out. But through Christ, the pain
can feel less excruciating. His love can show us the path that will lead us
back to Him. He knew I needed Him to help me find the faith I needed, before
that sacrifice could truly be for Him.
We will all make sacrifices. We will all be asked
to give something up in a moment when we feel abused and used. We won’t know
until we are there—in that moment—what those hard things will be. It might come
when we feel prepared . . . but, it will probably come when we least expect it.
We don’t have to do it alone. We might as well do it for Him, because if don’t,
it will all be in vain. It will all be for nothing if we are not doing it with Him on our team. I could have written
that check the first time I was asked. I could have done it because of my faith
in the law . . . but that faith didn’t give me the strength to do it. I needed
more than just the will to do what was legally right. I needed the comfort to
know that my sacrifice was more than just for her.
We will have responsibilities that are so hard .
. but we can do them. And when we do
them for Christ, they will be sacrifices He will never forget. No sacrifice,
big or small will go unnoticed. Christ is the author and finisher of our faith.
In all that we do, we must do it for Him. And when we do, He will give us the
strength to keep going during the difficult moments of our lives. We will find
that our faith is stronger because it has been refined.
Even in our daily challenges—changing a diaper,
making a bed, cleaning hair left in the drain by our roommates, driving to a
job we don’t like, making our meals, waving at the neighbor who never waves
back—we must devote ourselves to doing all things for Him. Pray that even when
it feels too hard to get out of bed . . . you will have the strength and
courage to get up for Him, because on some days . . . He will be the only one
who cares if you do.
I wanted so badly to be the exception that day. I
searched for someone to get me out of it. It WASN’T fair. I had suffered
enough. I wanted to run away from all the pain I had suffered, but instead . .
. I was asked to turn the other cheek.
“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but
of you it is required to forgive all men.” (Doctrine
and Covenants 64:10).
All men! In
that bold declaration made by our Father to us all . . . there was no “with the
exception of” or an “unless of course!” His plea for us to forgive wasn’t
written with an: “except for you Ashlee. You are the exception.” He asked us to
forgive ALL men . . . every time.
Even the ones who might have wronged us and who have never asked for our
forgiveness. Even when it feels like they don’t care or see our pain. Even the
ones who have left a hole in our lives with a single blow. … All men.
Writing that check that day was another big
steppingstone for me. It was a moment when I felt like I should have been
bailed out . . . but instead of giving me a “get out of jail free” card that
day, God sent His words to remind me of why I was being asked to sacrifice for
Him. He reminded me that I was not forgotten . . . that He knew I would have to
do hard things . . . but that I could be strong enough to let it go, and
blindly obey in faith. I don’t know if I will ever SEE any good from writing
that check, but I have felt the power that came from obeying my Father in
Heaven.
There are some things in life we cannot control . .
. death and taxes . . . but we still hold power over the rest. We have the
power to choose who we want to be. Don’t let your fears keep you from living
the life you have always dreamed you would have. Don’t let your fear of being
taxed hold you back from all the moments where signing the check helps you
realize that you have faith in more than yourself. Don’t let your fear of dying
. . . keep you from living. If we fear the things we cannot control, they will
control us. Let them go.
In those moments when the universe seems to be
giving you the last drop you can hold in your vessel . . . turn to Him. The
sacrifices you make are hard, they are overwhelming, they are annoying . . . and
sometimes, they cause unbearable pain. You don’t have to make them alone. Turn
to Him. Lean on Him when you feel you can’t take one more thing . . . on your
own. He will not leave you. I promise you He is there. Let the light of Christ
cross your “t”s and dot your “i”s when the taxes of life are thrown in your
face . . . and when you sign your signature on the bottom of all the big
checks, His name will be right there too. It will still be hard . . . but YOU
will never be alone as you make those sacrifices.
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