Divorce

As I stand at a crossroad in my life— this past month—I have been guided to some really tough choices. Like many times before... leading me to a path I did not choose. But after years of fighting some impossible battles...to avoid this reality, I wanted to share with those of you who have followed our healing journey—Shawn and I are officially divorced.

It has not been an easy choice—letting go of the family I thought we had created—and there are parts of our life together I will always be so grateful for. We made it through some impossible days, but as time has gone on, we were both finding strength in two different paths and there came a time when we no longer could support each other on those journeys.

I have—and always will—see Jordyn as one of my own. She and I have always had a strong connection and are a lot a like. My heart hurts not having her apart of our daily lives.

I don’t want to dwell on the “whys” and “what ifs”, I have already asked all of those questions many times. So what I would ask of all of you—moving forward—is that we focus on the positives that life will bring and rally around six children who are hurting and in transition.

Shawn and I shared many good days, many of which I have felt impressed to share on social media, other days...we fought silent battles we didn’t feel the desire to open to the world. We gave each other strength during a hard time of life, and I hope that no one turns this into a reason to be unkind or lose faith in the many blessings we each receive to give us strength on our unique paths.

I am at peace, and I know that— just like in other pivotal moments in my life—God has a plan for me and believes in me as a mother, a woman, a wife, and as a person capable of giving and receiving love. I have faith that I can and will continue to be the woman I have always strived to be.

I don’t know how much time I am going to need to get things figured out for the future, but I pray that this community—of fighters that have held us up so many times before—will stand with us as we continue on a journey we started long ago...with a promise of peace and healing and all the light this world has to offer.

I don’t think anyone plans that one day they will have to choose divorce, but I do know that we can choose to be happy regardless of the circumstances we find ourselves in—in life. And we can choose to move forward. I have so much to be thankful for. And I am grateful for each of you and your continued support and understanding as I—just like you—navigate an unknown future full of valleys and mountains. Continually passing through lessons to help me find courage in myself, and even greater faith in our God.

He is real, and we need His strength through the good times, and the hard. Those crossroads—the days that feel impossible and lonely—they are just moments. Moments that we can still choose to stand.

LOVE: How to find love when you feel alone

As Valentines Day approaches love is in the air. 

Love. 

We all want it. We want to give it. We want to receive it. We want it to surround us. Sometimes we wait around for love to come and complete us, other times it takes us by surprise. But love—or the lack of it—drives us.

I think to some extent, or at some time in our life, we all battle the false belief that we are not enough; aren’t loveable; are worthless; are unworthy; or in someway do not add up to an ideal we—or we think others—perceive we should be.

So how on earth are we all going to love each other when many days our own self-love is in question? How can we give ourselves to another person fully, if we are still trying to figure out who that self is?

I have been down this road many times in my life—battling beliefs that tried to drown out all truths. I remember as a young high school girl thinking that I would truly find who I was when I found the right guy to tell me so. And yet—every time anyone would get close enough I would push him away.

And so it went. I had little trust in men—and little faith in myself. But I still looked for love, and felt I needed it to be whole.

Then one day, there he was. He swept me off my feet and for the first time I let down my guard. He became my sense of worth. Every whisper in my ear was my motivation to be better. Every word he spoke encouraged me to remember how amazing I was.

Our wedding day was sweet. I felt beautiful and worthy. Children born brought even more fulfillment, as he encouraged me as their mother. Every sense of who I wanted to be came from his approval.

For years this newfound feeling of worth was empowering. He believed in me. He saw me. I found great joy in being a wife and a mother. It completed and fulfilled me. Life was busy, and the days were long—but I was living my dreams.

Looking back now I should have known better than to build my worth on living a dream. I wish I had figured out on my own that I had value and purpose. I wish I would have known that finding it in another person could be life shattering.

A few months after our fifth child was born, that lie found me again. Only this time it was weaved with actual proof that I had not been enough. In a matter of seconds I learned of two bullets that would change me. Two bullets that not only ripped into my husband’s chest and forehead—they would sound in my mind for years to come. Those bullets told tales of the lies that were defiling everything I thought I had—they told the secrets I had not known. Those bullets were proof that what I had believed all those years ago was true—I was not enough. Not for my husband, or the other woman and her husband—not for the gun. Nobody.

Tears don’t cry out the feeling that you are not enough. They just build it stronger.

I have remarried an amazing man who has helped me heal in so many ways. We have had many ups and downs. We have fought to see each other, but this time has been much harder—knowing how easy it is to lose—giving my whole heart. The first years of our marriage I longed to feel whole and to give him what I felt he deserved as a husband. I wanted to be the carefree girl who put everything into him and based her happiness on his love—but I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to love, because I still hated myself and longed for all the sense of worth I thought I had lost when that gun fired.

Well next month it will have been five years. And I have learned a thing or two about those lies. They aren’t what is real. I have learned many truths that I work every day to replace them.

  

We have to love ourselves. Not in a egotistical kind of way, but in an eternal worth kind of way. Finding love for our self is hard. We are our own worst enemies when we are believing our own lies. Fear is our constant companion when we are waiting around for the ones who don't come, or don't love us in the ways we think we deserve. 

Happiness is a choice. We cannot base our happiness on anything or anyone that we can one day lose. Others can add to our happiness, but cannot be the foundation of our worth. Happiness can be ours even when others are not making good choices or do not see us how we want to be seen; we can even be happy when others are miserable. And that is truth I can finally clearly see. Someday I will perfectly live this truth—but until then I will do my best trying.

Being enough comes from within ourselves as a gift from God. Being enough doesn’t come from another person. Changing this lie to a truth can be liberating, but it can only be changed by truths from within. Forgiveness of—not only those who have not been there for you but—yourself. The first step is realizing that it was a lie you had told yourself over and over again . . . that it was some else’s job to create your happiness.  

Connecting ourselves—not to another person to give us that sense of who we are—but to our true self and to God.  I wish that came naturally for me. I wish twelve years ago before I said, “I DO!” to a man, I would have first said it to me.

So to all you ladies (and gentlemen) who think that love will solve the voids inside—please don’t wait. Love is not something you have to wait around for. It is a gift you will much better be able to give once you know to do it alone. Turn to God for your sense of worth. He will always be there and see you as the perfect creation you are.

 It is not others that make us a princess, it is God that sees us as a queen. It is not men that make us great. It is Him.

(Bailey Halloween 2008)

*I sat down at my computer to write a Valentines article for Deseret, and instead wrote this. I have been speaking at a lot of singles events lately and this is a truth I have been thinking a lot about. And as I prepare for A Reason to Stand on March 4th (online) and 5th (live in Boise) I have had many opportunities to contemplate the true meaning of forgiveness of others and of self. 

Valentines Day is just another day. It doesn't have to be a reminder of all we do not have, or all we have lost.  It can be a day to remember some truths about the real purpose of love and how to find it within ourselves. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! 

What if . . . I Jump?

 I will never comprehend how I was able to move forward or why Heavenly Father asked me to become okay with the thought of finding love again so quickly. I can only say that I didn’t do it alone. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared, and I didn’t feel able to do it . . . but I knew it was exactly what I was supposed to do. 

On the Fast Sunday before going to Emmett’s grave for Memorial Day, I fasted for my little family to be blessed with healing in our hearts so we could one day move forward. My fasting and prayers were answered . . . more quickly than I ever thought possible, but I wasn’t quite emotionally prepared for that immediate response.

   

Sometimes for months . . . or even years Heavenly Father keeps telling us to have patience. Let’s be honest. Throughout most of my life, God had constantly been reminding me to have patience . . . and that was just exactly the lesson I needed to learn in every one of those instances. I think I was finally beginning to understand the platitude that patience is a virtue and I had almost mastered it . . . patience in His timing, and patience in His plan. I felt like I had finally begun to get the hint . . . because He kept taking the time to remind me to slow down and wait.

   

Then one day . . . He threw a man into my life . . . and told me to jump with both feet. Leap with faith. He asked me to stand, despite my fears and regardless of all the rational thoughts that were running through my mind . . . and the things being said by everyone else.

   

The first time I even saw a photo of Shawn, I knew there was something special about him. He had a light in his eyes that drew me in. On our first date, it felt like we had been lifelong best friends. There was never a dull moment in our conversations. I told him my story, and he shared his with me. We knew a lot of the same people, but we’d never met before.

   

I knew when I met him for the very first time that Heavenly Father had sent me someone special. I felt peace in my decision to take a leap of faith and go out with him . . . and as the weeks that followed came to show me . . . soon, I was going to be asked to jump.

     

It’s funny that in those moments when we think we have all the answers . . . the Lord asks us to be patient and wait. But in this instance—when it had been drilled into my mind so often that I knew nothing—He asked me to show Him that I could still have faith in His timing.

Shawn and I got engaged, and with all the opinions of the community pouring in, I began to panic. I worried about everyone judging my decision, and I struggled as people told me about the timing they thought I should be respecting.

One night, I called my mother. I didn’t even say hello, but just went off on a rampage of questions. “What if he cheats on me, or what if he dies? What if I give him my whole heart and he breaks it? Mom, I know what I’m supposed to do, but I have no idea how I can do it. I keep getting calls from all sorts of people telling me what I’m supposed to do, and it is making me doubt the answers I know I’ve received for myself. What if . . . what if he cheats on me, and someone shoots him in the head?”

With her usual wisdom, Mom spoke the words I needed to hear that day . . . “Ashlee, what if everything happens that has already happened? You have been where most of us in this life will never be. You have felt more pain at your young age than most people who walk the earth will ever see in all their years. You loved Emmett, and he broke your heart, but he didn’t break you. You are capable of still living all the dreams you have ever had. Even if Shawn walks away and leaves you, you will be the same person you are now. You will still be standing.”

I ended the conversation with my wise mother and called Shawn. “I need to marry you, and I want to marry you. We are supposed to do this. Let’s just do it. Why sit around and plan, and have the world tell me all the reasons why we shouldn’t get married? What do you say I call my bishop and we just get married this week?”

He laughed, thinking I was joking, then said, “You know what. As long as you and the kids, and my parents are there . . . that is all I care about.”

 (Engagement pictures taken by my friend Cheryl who did the bunny pics)

So our mission to plan a wedding came to an end. I called my bishop on a Monday, and by Thursday afternoon we were standing in front of him saying our vows. Surrounded by our children, some of our siblings, my Aunt Diane and cousin Tiffanie, and our parents . . . we committed to each other and our family that we would give our marriage all that it deserved . . . for better or for worse.

My mother, who at the time lived some distance away, told me she wouldn’t be able to make it to the wedding, but to my surprise, she showed up a few minutes before it started. She walked into my bathroom as I was putting on the last of my make-up, and I was so excited to have her there that day. 

I felt calm and collected. I wasn’t scared. I didn’t doubt, and I didn’t fear. I walked down the aisle on my father’s arm, feeling completely confident about this new family unit Shawn and I were about to create.

 (wedding pictures by my friend Gabriela)

It was a beautiful day, one I will never forget. It was simple. The twins begged me to wear my wedding dress from my marriage to Emmett . . . and Shawn said it didn’t matter to him, so I did.

My friends Brittany and Lindsay couldn’t stand the fact that I hadn’t arranged for any flowers, so they did some flowers for us. They even snuck in and decorated the clubhouse. It was beautiful.

When it was time to exchange the rings, Teage and Jordyn were our ring-bearers. The sun was shining, and in fact, it was so hot that we were all sweating in that tiny room.

Shawn didn’t take his eyes off of me. Tears rolled down my face as I thought of the years that had lead me to this moment. I had flashbacks of the last time I had worn that dress, but my heart made room for the new memories I was creating in it.

Just as with the first time I had worn that dress, my hopes for my future soared out of that hot room and on past the sun. I considered the six children who I now called mine. They were no different from the ones I had pictured on my bed on my sixteenth birthday. They were sweet, and kind, and respectful. They were beautiful, they were loving . . . and they were mine. I didn’t have to wait for that dream to come true. This time around, I wasn’t going to be a first-time newlywed . . . but a wife and mother living a life that looked as if we had been building it for ten years.

Although Shawn and I had not walked down all of our roads together, we deserved each other. We had no idea of the hard work that lay before us to blend our two families and to clean up messes from the past, but quite frankly, on that perfect day, we didn’t care. We were just happy to call that family ours.

We took a three-night honeymoon to a local hotel. Neither of us wanted to be too far away from the children since they had so many adjustments to make, as did we.

Our honeymoon was relaxing and wonderful, and it gave us the opportunity to get to know each other without any other cares. In fact, it was actually fun to pretend to be young newlyweds. In every restaurant we went, someone would inevitably ask us if we had just gotten married, because apparently, we were a bit dreamy-eyed!

I enjoyed those three days, but I also couldn’t wait to get home . . . back to real life. I couldn’t wait to have a husband to call my own, and I longed to snap out of the funk that had put me in a state of panic every time I cleaned, did laundry, or tried to prepare food. I was just certain that all my cares would be soothed, and all my triggers would be mended . . . now that I was a married woman again.

I felt certain that the healing Shawn would bring, which had been promised to me, would now be complete. After all, we were a family . . . that was all the healing I would need, right?

I wish that one ‘I do’ would have been the answer to all the pain Emmett’s murder had planted inside of me. I think a part of me thought my new marriage would fill all the holes inside of me, as they were filling the holes in my household. My bed was no longer empty, my nights were no longer lonely . . . but inside, there were still wounds gaping open and parts of me still screaming. I had so many questions still left unanswered, I had so many wrongs to forgive, and I still had mountains to climb to find the peace that I still sought. But, I had no regrets about taking that leap of getting married.

What if? Two little words that we, especially we women, can spend a life time asking ourselves. We hallucinate. We map out scenarios. We try to find answers to our recurring states of panic. We search for peace inside ourselves because we fear going through what another person HAS lived. What if he doesn’t call back? What if I get in a car crash? What if this cancer is my final test in life? What if I get hit by a car? What if I never meet Mr. Right? What if . . . the girl I am supposed to marry already married the wrong guy? What if my child chokes on an apple? What if I give my whole heart, and it gets destroyed?

So many ‘what ifs!’ . . . and there will always be something. There will always be a reason to fear. Cars can crash, dogs can get sick, babies can drown, cancer can spread, spouses can cheat, and people will die. But ‘what if’ we never jump because of all our fears?

What if every single ‘what if’ we fear all came true all in one night? Where would be? Who would be left? We will never know until we jump. And when we jump, both feet must jump together. We cannot have one foot in one world, and one in the other.

Jumping with both feet may hurt. There are always risks with jumping. And even if it doesn’t hurt immediately, it may hurt later. It may cause you years of new battles to fight in the future. But that doesn’t mean you didn’t leap with faith in the first place.

What if? What if I never took another breath for fear I might get hurt? Life is too short to not live it fully because it may hurt. We will not grow if we do not feel the growing pains that are sent to refine us. We don’t know what pains lie ahead, or which pains from the past have actually purified our souls . . . but with the two soles we use to tread along our path in life . . . we also have the power to jump. We can’t be afraid to use our power to jump because of the risks, but we have to use that power wisely and choose to jump in the right direction.

Emmett and I lost a lot of family and friends in the years that followed our marriage.  Almost every year we found ourselves at a funeral of someone who was very close to us.

  

One hot summer Sunday while living in Washington for law school, we got a call that one of my best friends had committed suicide. Everything inside of me went weak. It broke Emmett to the core; he was very close to her and her husband. Emmett had summer school that he couldn't miss, but we got in the car and drove straight down to see her husband and the two beautiful children she had left behind.

She had been suffering from a severe post partum depression that eventually caused her to end her own life. Little did I know as I held her husband and we sobbed together that night, that Emmett would be joining his sweetheart in just a few short years.

After Emmett’s death, I had a dream one night about Emmett and our friend. In the dream, they were talking to each other as if they weren’t aware of the fact that I could hear them. They discussed their respective family members who were still living. She was saying how proud she was of her husband who was working so hard to raise their children and who was moving forward and finding love again. She also told Emmett how brave he was for helping me to find love again. She told him how happy she was that her husband and I were both finding ways to move forward from our tragedies.

Emmett began to cry and she put her arms around him. She whispered into his ear, “I wish I could do it all over again too . . . but they still can.”

I woke up from that dream unable to fully understand what it all meant at first. It took me some time to process. She had taken her own life because of an illness that compelled her to take a leap in the wrong direction. She felt the weight of her pain that came as a result of losing control over her actions. Emmett had also taken a leap in the wrong direction. He had jumped over the edge of the cliff he had been scaling, and the decisions that followed his leap ultimately got him killed.

My dear friend’s message to me in that dream rings so true. She and Emmett were suffering from the pain of their past mistakes that ended their lives, and unfortunately, neither of them had the mortal ‘do-overs’ that are still possible for the living. In spite of their regrets, my friend and Emmett could see the value in their spouses’ continued progress and search for peace in their mortal lives after they found themselves alone.

We have all had the occasion to approach the edge of a cliff. We know there is a great risk in getting too near, and yet . . . so many of us continue to tiptoe closer and closer. Some of us willingly choose to flirt with the edges in life. We seek cheap thrills, and purposefully find our way to uncharted waters. However, the way doesn’t have to be life-threatening if we would just remember to stay as far away from the edge as possible.

My dear friend and Emmett have taught me so much. Although I loved them both with all my heart, my heart also aches for the years they are missing with their families. They have moved on past mortality, but their desires for us are no different than their desires for themselves. They have taught me the importance of putting one foot in front of the other and continuing to move forward. We must endure to move beyond our pain, and we must jump with both feet—not in the wrong direction—but into the good things of this world.

Even if all of your leaps so far have resulted in your falling on your face, you have to develop the faith that as you practice jumping with both feet in the right direction, one day, your feet will get a little lighter . . . and you will no longer fall. Some day, that same faith may require you to take a giant leap, and you will want to be certain it is in the right direction, and that both feet are equally committed. And even with that, there is no guarantee of a soft landing.

“What if I get hurt?” You will.

“What if I get rejected?” Yup . . . that too!

But ‘what if’ you never jump? It is only when you leap with faith that you will find your wings.

("Jesus with our family" by Bostyn)

Free pass

It didn’t take long for Shawn to call again. Before I knew it, we were sitting on my couch spending another evening in non-stop conversation. The kids were asleep, and he hadn’t met any of them yet. I wasn’t really ready to introduce them to him, but I enjoyed talking with him for hours as we sat together on the couch.

Before coming to see me, Shawn had spent the evening playing basketball. He warned me that he was all sweaty and stinky, but I didn’t even notice. He looked so cute in his basketball shorts and T-shirt.

We shared with each other more of our personal stories that night; I shared things with Shawn that only the detectives knew. I told him about the night Emmett died, revealing the details of the emotions I’d felt leading up to the hour of his death. I shared the explosion of relief, and the other waves of emotions I’d felt since that moment I had sat with the detectives . . . on the very couch where we were now sitting.

It was getting late and as we talked about his need to go home and get to bed, I leaned in and kissed him. For a few seconds, our lips touched and I could feel sparks fly. For me, it was a perfect kiss accompanied by happy butterflies in my tummy.

I was smitten.

The next day, I was out with Tytus for a doctor’s appointment and I stopped by the pharmacy on the way home, which just happened to be right across the street from Shawn’s work. I texted him and asked him if he would like to come and meet us there.

While waiting for him to come, I walked around the pharmacy filling my cart with random things, a little nervous at the thought of being seen in public with Shawn . . . but mainly scared to have him meet one of my children. Tytus was all smiles, and I talked to him gently as we strolled down each aisle.

As I was trying to decide on what color of nail polish to buy, I looked up and saw Shawn walking toward us, with a huge grin on his face. When he got to our cart, I introduced him to Tytus, who was now almost five months old. He smiled and cooed at Shawn for a few minutes, and then started to fuss. “Man,” I said, “he is so tired. … It has been a long morning.” I took my pointer finger and, starting between his eyes, rubbed it down the bridge of his nose. As I reached the tip of his nose, his eyes closed and he was fast asleep.

Shawn looked at me in surprise. “What in the heck was that? Is that how he always falls asleep? That is so unfair!! I’ve never in my life seen a baby fall asleep so fast.” We laughed about it for a minute and chit-chatted while Tytus slept in his car seat.

It felt surreal to have my two worlds coming together. I didn’t know how I would be able to be in both: being a single mother, and learning to love again. I felt awkward as I smiled at Shawn, and then looked down at my little sleeping infant. I never pictured that such a day would ever be a part of my life. In my mind, dating and parenting were worlds apart.

When I went out on a date with Shawn, or sat with him on my couch after the kids were in bed, it was easy to momentarily step away from the darkness always lurking in my world with the trial pending . . . but it was overwhelming and frightening bringing both of those worlds together. I feared they would collide, and that one would destroy the other.

The next weekend, Teage left on an outing with some friends, the “Fathers and Sons Campout” for our church. It was his first time camping, and his first “father and son” outing. I tried hard to feel okay about the fact that he was not going with his own father and I choked back tears as I packed his bag and buckled him into his friend’s car. I was grateful for the chance for him to go, but longed to have him share such a weekend with Emmett.

The night after Teage left, Shawn brought his daughter Jordyn over to meet my girls. We all watched a movie and the kids enjoyed laughing and playing together. In the middle of the movie, I started getting choked up as I witnessed the mixing of my two worlds, which was taking place before my eyes. I looked at the twins who were almost squishing Jordyn between them. I looked at Kaleeya with such a sweet smile on her face, and Tytus cuddled in Shawn’s arms. It was a perfect moment, and the spirit was so strong as I looked around the room. It didn’t feel complete without Teage there, but it felt amazing to see some of the holes . . . that usually gaped open darkly . . . filled with so much light.

The kids started complaining about being hungry so Shawn and I got up to find them a snack. I opened the pantry to look inside, when all of the sudden, Shawn grabbed me and pulled me into the pantry and pulled the door shut behind us. There in the quiet of my pantry, we smooched. I could hear the kids giggling out on the couch, and I could smell food surrounding me, which since Emmett’s death had been so hard for me to prepare. The darkened pantry—which just weeks earlier had witnessed me spilling tears of sorrow—now held me quietly wrapped in the arms of peace.

All of the sudden, the door opened and Jordyn said “I think my dad was kissing your mom!!!!” They all ran off giggling and squirming.

That night, as I tucked the kids into bed, Bailey very matter-of-factly stated, “Mom, we don’t have a dad anymore . . . and Jordyn and Shawn, they need a mom . . . so I don’t get why we don’t just ask them to be part of our family.” I gave her a squeeze. “Bay, I wish that life were that easy. They are great friends, and it is fun to have them here spending time with us, so let’s just be really grateful for that!”

My two worlds seemed to be merging into one, more easily than I could have imagined. 

We spent the next few weeks enjoying our time together. Shawn and Jordyn met Teage when he got back from the campout. We had lots of fun days and everyone got along great. For the first time since Emmett died . . . we laughed more than we cried.

One morning, I got a call from the detective on the case, and reality set in once again. I don’t remember why he called, or what he said, but I do remember the lump that settled in my throat as I imagined making Shawn and Jordyn go through this horrible nightmare with us. I got the kids ready for the day, and I headed to the temple. I needed to clear my head. The excitement of my new friend had almost made me forget about the trial that still loomed over me.

As I drove to the temple, I thought about all the times I had laughed that week. How unfair it was of me to make Shawn think I was happy. What kind of deception was I perpetrating on this poor man? I wasn’t happy. I was scared, I was broken, and the reality was . . . I still had a life to clean up before I could start living a new one.

I walked into the temple with my stomach tied in knots. During the entire session, an internal battle was raging inside me between my desire to move on and heal, and my need to stay stuck in my pain so I could somehow bear the murder trial that would be coming. I felt strongly that I couldn’t do both at the same time.

For the millionth time, I sat in the Celestial Room praying for peace. I knew in my heart, that I was wrong to turn my back on this new possibility . . . but I struggled to see how I could in good conscience ask this innocent man to crawl through the trenches with me. I knew what I had to do. I knew what he deserved . . . he needed a free pass. He needed me to tell him that I didn’t want or need him so he could go on and live a normal life without us.

As soon as I got back in my car, I called him and asked him to meet me at my house. I drove home still feeling very unsettled and full of despair. I walked into the house almost in tears, knowing that what I had to do was going to be very difficult. Shawn arrived soon after I got home. He came to the door, knowing exactly what my intentions were. I didn’t even invite him to come in, but I just grabbed my phone and asked him to come and walk with me.

We walked to a little waterfall at the entrance of my neighborhood, found a bench and took a seat. I looked up into his big blue eyes and let it all out. “So . . . I like you a lot, but I am in no way ready to be in a relationship. I think I have been forgetting about the reality of my life . . . and I, um . . . you . . . you don’t deserve this. I wish I could say that I could sit around and date you, but this isn’t fair to you. I’m scared and I don’t know how to make this work. My world is so different than yours.” I didn’t have the courage to look in his eyes any longer, so I stared out past the green trees, and continued with my explanation. 

“We are broken, see . . . and we haven’t even begun to process everything we’ve been through. Teage is a raging ball of anger. Kaleeya bites holes in her binkies and punches the baby in the face, the twins are so sad some days that I don’t even see them smile . . . and then you just walk in like you can’t see how broken we are. Come on, you don’t deserve this . . . and one day you’re going to realize what a storm you just jumped into and you are going to want to run as far away from us as you can.” 

I started to get choked up, so I tried to get right to the point. “So, here is what we are going to do. You are going to walk me home, and then you’re going to get in your car . . . and you are going to pretend that we never met. You go find a normal girl who has the ability to love . . . who wants to have a normal family with you . . . one who won’t drag you through hell in the next few years trying to figure out how to exist. You deserve a woman who doesn’t fall down at the park in a panic attack because an ambulance drives by . . . one who knows how to love. So you go find her . . . and be happy forever. I can’t let you stick around and be disappointed for the rest of your life that you settled for a broken widow and her five broken children. You are going to find a normal girl, one who knows how to love . . . one who actually has the ability to make you happy. Find a young girl who doesn’t have any baggage, one you can start a real life with . . . one that isn’t just pretending to be normal . . . and when you find her . . . don’t look back. I’m scared about what the next few years are going to bring. It’s going to be hard. I . . . I talked to the detective this morning and just hearing his voice reminded me of all the mess I have left to live through. I can’t do this to you, and I’m scared to let you even try to ride along with me . . . because eventually it will be too much for you . . . and you’ll leave. So, I’m asking you to leave now, so I don’t have to wonder when you’ll go. I just can’t do this . . . again. I . . . I don’t . . . I just need you to pretend you never met me, and just let me figure this out on my own.” 

I don’t think I even took one breath.

I looked back toward him. There were tears falling down his cheeks. He sat quietly for what seemed to be an eternity. He finally began to speak as he looked into my eyes. “Ashlee, I . . . I have dated all those so-called ‘normal’ girls you talk about. I’ve tried to picture my life with each one of them. It . . . wasn’t just you I fell in love with during the first five minutes I talked to you. No, I’ve fallen head over heals with you and your children. I have never in my life felt what I feel when I am with you. I know the road that has brought you to me has been very hard, and I will never pretend that it has been easy for you . . . but right now, I need you to believe me when I say . . . you are beautiful. You are beautiful inside and out. Maybe Emmett couldn’t see that when he died, but I am sitting right here in front of you . . . right now, and I see you. I know you have a difficult road ahead of you with the trial, and with the other challenges and responsibilities that are yet to come because of Emmett’s murder, but I am not going to walk away . . . not after seeing everything I’ve always dreamed of . . . right here . . . right now. You may feel broken, and I get that because I’ve felt that way myself, but I . . . I love you Ashlee. I love all six of you . . . just the way you are.”

As I watched Shawn wipe away his tears, I knew in that moment that he wouldn’t let me talk him into walking away. I felt relieved. I had given him his free pass, and here he was . . . still able to see the me that had been hidden by so much tragedy.

But the possibility of this relationship going somewhere still wasn’t quite as easy for me as it was for Shawn. It was as if I was trapped between two worlds. My dreams were still of Emmett, but my real life was trying so hard to piece itself together and move on. I was holding the hand of one man, while trying to figure out how to let go of the other.

My anger at Emmett pushed me into easily finding Shawn, but my pain held me back from giving Shawn my whole heart. I missed Emmett, and yet I adored Shawn. What kind of hell was this supposed to be? I lived in two worlds: one where Shawn loved me and the kids . . . and another where my heart was constantly racing in anticipation of the trial, and feeling Emmett’s presence in my dreams. I didn’t know how to let go so that I could take hold of something new.

In spite of my confusion, that day was when I understood that in spite of having set Shawn free, in spite of having given him a way out of our crazy world with no strings attached, he had still—and without any reservations—chosen us . . . just the way we were . . . broken and all.

Sometimes, even when we are broken and trying hard to hide all of our imperfections, people see the good in us anyway. I did all that I could to push Shawn out of my life so that I could continue being fractured . . . all by myself. I didn’t want him to spend his life trying to fix me. I thought it would be easier for him to go and have a ‘normal’ life, but he stayed anyway.

We are all given a ‘free pass’ at one time or another . . . a pass given to us because Jesus Christ died for us. He sees that we are broken, and yet He still loves us unconditionally. The pass He shares with us, is only possible through Him. He died on the cross so that every day we are given the opportunity to use our ‘free pass’ to heal, to forgive and to repent of our sins.

Shawn’s decision at the waterfall that day changed the course of my life. His ability to see me, even when I couldn’t see myself . . . built me up. I didn’t need him to survive, but to truly be whole again . . . I had to let him in. He was a blessing sent straight from Heavenly Father. He has sacrificed for me, he has given me courage when I couldn’t find it on my own, and he has shown me that even in my empty state . . . I was still lovable.

I was being given a ‘free pass’ to a new life. My happiness had not ended permanently. I had given my all to Emmett, even when he didn’t deserve it . . . and somewhere inside myself, I still had the ability to do the same for Shawn.

It would not be an easy journey. It would not always be smooth . . . but it was being made possible for me.

When I was in high school, I suffered from some mental and emotional problems. I had a very unrealistic view of myself, and at different times, I went through various phases of eating disorders. It was embarrassing, it was humiliating, and it was a painful battle I had to fight every single day. I struggled with many of the relationships in my life, and failed to see the role I played in many of those struggles I was having.

My parents ended up sending me to a therapeutic wilderness boarding school. I learned more about myself in those two and a half months than I had in all the previous eighteen years of my life. I learned I had been carrying a shadowy bundle of incorrect beliefs around with me, and I came to understand the power they had on the view I possessed of myself and how I thought others viewed me. I learned about personal virtues and why each one played a role in the person I wanted to become.

I even made it through a three-day solo period. I set up my camp, and without being allowed to leave that site . . . I had to spend three days in a row all alone, by myself. Up until that point in my life, I hadn’t even spent a few hours alone without another person close by. I laughed, I sang songs, I cried. Those were three of the hardest days of my life . . . and yet, I had never felt so alive and empowered.

Through that experience, I learned a lot about the roles I had played in my own life at home, which contributed to my failure to develop authentic caring relationships with my family and friends. I thought about the ingratitude that had diluted so many of my words, and so many of the hurtful decisions I had made without any regard for the people who loved me. I seriously pondered my own contributions and responsibilities in the negative scenarios of my life.

When my time at that camp came to an end, I was almost afraid to return to real life. It was my senior year, and I didn’t feel ready to go back to that reality. However, when I got home, I realized something . . . those two and half months had been a free pass for me. I didn’t have to be afraid any more to step back into real life, because I had finally found out what life was all about.

It was hard to go back to the relationships I had taken advantage of as a snotty teenager. As I stepped back into life with a new found knowledge of what it was all about, my eyes felt as if they had been opened.

My ‘free pass’ to change the direction my path was heading . . . saved my life. I no longer viewed the world as something to manipulate in order to get my way, or as an excuse to be selfish or mean. I saw it with the beauty I had found inside of myself.

Sometimes our ‘free pass’ is offered at a time when we need to change our course, and other times it is given to remind us of the things we already have, which we are fighting so hard to keep.

Shawn didn’t want to walk away from the path we were starting to travel together, because he knew he was exactly where he was supposed to be. He saw the pathway long before I allowed myself to find it. His free pass, given by me, didn’t make him want to leave . . . instead, it gave him even more reason to fight for what he knew was right.

On the other hand, there are free passes that are not for our good. These are the type of false ‘free passes’ Satan offers us or we offer ourselves when we want to step away from reality or when we have a secret we want to hide. Emmett took a ‘free pass’ offered to him as an enticing gimmick. He must have honestly believed that with his ‘pass,’ he could come and go in our marriage as he pleased, and that no one of importance would ever find out that he had taken it . . . but he did, and ultimately . . . that is what changed the course of all of our lives.

Use your ‘free passes’ wisely. They can, and will, change you. The course of your life can be destroyed if they are used to indulge your own selfishness or lust. The easy way is seldom the Lord’s way. Shawn showed me an example of that as I gave him an easy way out, and he chose the right way instead.

God doesn’t expect us to walk each step in life with ease . . . but when we walk it with Him, our burdens can be made light. If you are being tempted to manipulate yourself into thinking that you need a ‘free pass’ to distance yourself from the broken pieces of your life . . . make sure that it is Christ who is offering it to you. Satan will try to make his ‘free pass’ sound as if it will change you for the better, but in the end . . . he will not stand with you. Depending on the dealmaker, a ‘free pass’ can either help you rise above your pain . . . or cause more pain to follow.

In reality, there are really no ‘free’ passes in life. Even the ones from Heavenly Father have been paid for by Jesus Christ through the atonement. Shawn had no idea of the hard work he had yet to endure as he decided to continue dating me. He would have to work and sacrifice and find patience and love, even at times when I was not at all lovable. Just like our Savior, Shawn’s pass didn’t come without a price. And just like Jesus Christ, Shawn would have to go through pain of his own as he worked hard to make our journey together work.

Being in the right place at the right time doesn’t mean that it will be easy!!!!

Wherever you are in your life, there will be times when a free pass sounds like it will save you from the difficulties of mortality. However, nothing can take all of your hardships away. There is no way around the pain of this world, just resources to help you through them. Spend less time trying to dodge them, and more time building yourself up to have the power to stand strong even as the storms rage around you.

That bottle of liquor may mask your pain for the night, but the fear will find its place again in the morning. That shopping bag full of new clothes may numb your loneliness for the afternoon, but your despair will not be washed away as you put them on. That trip to Disneyland may disguise the pain in your family for the week, but it will not fix the fractures in your marriage. The ‘free passes’ that just offer a temporary fix, do not change the problems or take away the pain . . . they merely postpone the suffering.

So many of us are hurting and longing to find a free pass from our pain. But, there is no pill to take, and there is no magic wand to wave. Hard work and diligence in respecting the truths we know will provide us with a foundation of strength and give us the courage to face our pain. Learn and study the genuine truths in the world. Search, ponder and pray about which of the principles you learn about are true. There is truth all around us, truths that can help us along our pathway to healing.

Be selective and only use the ‘free passes’ that come from God. Sometimes even the hardest trials ARE the ‘free passes’ we need to become the person that we long to be.

Waiting for, or fearing tomorrow only stops us from living today. Don’t wait for another day to bring you peace. Search for peace, as you live through each day. The perfect calm in life may never come. In fact, even when you think you have gone through all of the hard times, more trials seem to find their way to you.

The good news is that we are not alone. All of us are trying hard to figure out what paths to choose and what storms to navigate. Don’t let the good days pass you by as you wait around for the ‘free passes’ that lead you to what you think is your desired state of perfection. Sometimes, it is merely life itself that is the true gift you fail to recognize. Your time is now. Don’t let it pass you by. Let each hour be the reason you choose to stand. Your ‘free pass’ might come to help you change your path, or it might come to remind you that you need to fight to stay on the pathway on which you are already traveling. Life is too short to spend it waiting. Live it and love it, wherever your free pass takes you.

Don't you worry child