5 steps to a happier today

Have you ever found yourself waiting—wating for life to really start—waiting to lose weight to be happy? Waiting for a better job to help you feel fulfilled? Waiting for your soul mate to come and make you feel loved? Waiting to like yourself, waiting to give your whole heart to another?

If you have . . . you are like a large percentage of the world. I have to slow myself down daily to remember that happiness isn’t a destination—it is a state of mind.

Here are five ways I have found that work to be happy in the present.

1. Be genuine. Be real. Let yourself feel—even the emotions that are easier to avoid. Avoidance points to the future for happiness, where acknowledging the fear or feeling in the present reminds our soul that it is ok to feel safe where we are. A future happiness always seems to be a long ways off if we can’t feel—all emotions— in the present.

2. Look for the blessings. Some days are pretty dark, but from my experience there is still light in each one. Sometimes it is not too easy to find, but if we purposefully look for it—we will almost always find it. I knew a lady who was in the hospital for an extended period of time. When I went to visit her, she didn’t talk about the pain, or the new reality of her sickness—she talked about her visitors, the flowers sent, and the kind people who were taking care of her. She was looking for the blessings in a moment others might just see the curse.

3. Be present. Put down your damn phone. Put away your computer. Don’t keep yourself mindlessly “busy” all the time. See the people right in front of you. Serve them. Show up for them. Happiness is found when we share our light, and we cannot just find that in a virtual world . . . we have to feel it with our hands, and smell it with our noses, and taste it with our mouths—we have to do it in our real world. Being present changes the way we see people, and our role in their lives. We stop waiting for others to show up for us . . . and we just do it for them instead.

4. Remember your truths. Before we came to earth we were created with many gifts, and talents, and truths. Along the way, here on earth, sometimes our connection to these feel lost or forgotten. Spend some time reevaluating the voices in your head—which ones bring you light, and which ones make you feel dark. Give the dark ones to the Savior and magnify the truths that make you feel like you. Living those will bring you eternal joy.

5. Live what you believe. Spend some time with your thoughts. Do you have a passion that you think others will look down on? Do you have a goal you are too afraid to take the steps to create? What do you believe? Do you have a standard you know is true, but you can’t figure out how to live? Decide today what you believe—not what others have told you you should think, or you think others want you to believe. Be bold enough to live YOUR life. Joy comes in being vulnerable, and honest, and living what we believe.

I know that we all have some pretty dark stories, that try to hold us back, but I also believe that life is still worth living. I know we are all creatures worthy of love—the kind that lasts forever—the kind we can only learn from God. Each day takes effort. We can’t give up, even when it feels like the only option left.

Today I challenge you to step out of your comfort zone—take a bold step to find happiness where you are. You just might like the person you find who isn’t trapped in fear. Look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud five things you love about being you.

Happiness is remembering your worth no matter where you are.

The Day I learned how to believe

One snowy day—many years ago—I was driving in my car. The back seat was fairly quiet—wait no that was a different time . . . on this drive my car carried precious cargo: twins that were four years old, a two year old, and a five month old. Questions streamed to me by the minute, and this particular day they were all centered around one thing . . . Christmas. The streets were lined with lights and glowing windows. Snow covered much of the ground, and on every corner stood some sort of symbol of the holidays.

I had probably answered a million questions when THE ONE came blaring out. I knew it wasn’t going to be many more years—for us to keep our secret, with twins that were already smarter than me, but I thought for sure I at least had one more year. We had just passed a blow up Santa waving on the street when Bailey blurted it out, “So Mom . . . Bostyn and I want to know the truth—you know—about Santa. Is he . .  . real? I mean, he goes in EVERYONE’S houses and brings them presents? So how come some kids don’t get any, and CHIMNEYS? Seriously? ” Trying to protect—what I believed at that time was—their childhood innocence, my response was anything but the truth. “Well . . . girls, what do you think?” Bailey spoke up again, “Mom . . . that is why we asked you . . . so . . . is he? “ The conversation repeated a few more times—they demanding to hear it from me, and me afraid to shatter the fun of believing. My answer was the same with every question: “What do you guys think?”

Soon the car went quiet—I . . . not knowing how to tell them what they already knew, and them  . . . sick of getting the same question to their questions. I looked back a few times to two girls staring blankly out the window. I could feel their frustration, but did not know what to do about it.

My mind raced through all the excuses one could muster, but I couldn’t get myself to say any out loud. About to settle and just create a story about how reindeer fly and elves make toys I looked back in my rearview mirror again. This time they were holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes. Bostyn leaned over, kissed Bailey on the forehead and said, “Don’t worry Bailey . . . at least we know Jesus is real.”

Faith isn’t about the things that we can see—it is about a hope for the things we cannot. There are many Santa’s in the world trying to bring joy at Christmas, but the true symbol of that glorious holiday is our Savior who will be a light every day of the year—for you, for me, and for all of us Santa’s doing our best to bring light to our babies’ eyes.

For every disappointment we will face—like the day we find out one of our dreams was just a made up character in a red hat and suit—Christ will make up the difference, He will settle the scores. Because He loves you—no matter where you are going, no matter where you have been. He loves you, even if you have never believed in Him.

The greatest joy we can ever receive this Christmas doesn’t come wrapped under our tree, or shine in the sparkle of a string of holiday lights. It is miracles in our lives. It is hope in our hearts. It is love in our families, and healing inside our minds. It is relationships mended, and hearts changed. It is medical discoveries, and lives spared in tragedies. It is angels watching over us. It is a path that leads us to Christ, as our teacher, as our Savior, and as our friend.

He is the light, He is the joy, and He always was and always will be . . . the greatest gift.

Merry Christmas! 

Don't be afraid to stand alone

The kids and I watched this little video while we were waiting at the bus stop this morning. It caught my eye with the title. And its message touched us, so I had to share. 

I know we aren't all the same religion or believe in the same things, but I do believe that all of us at some time will have to "stand alone" to stand for what we know is right. I talked about it a few months ago in my video What I wished I knew in Middle school. 

Whatever religion, whatever your level of faith, whatever you believe in . . . don't be afraid to stand alone. And always remember that in those moments when you feel the most alone on earth, heaven is even closer. Stand tall, for the right, and fight for yourself. Even if no one else sees, your Father in Heaven does. 

Afraid to Succeed

What if I fail?  What if it is hard? What if I am alone? What if no one loves me? What if I am always broken? What if I can’t find my way? What if I try and I ruin everything? What if no one sees my efforts? What if everything I do is for nothing? What if I succeed?

It often seems that just when we think we have life all figured out, something changes. And change is scary. For the most part, we are all comfortable where we are—because where we are now is familiar. Even if that place is toxic or abusive, it can still feel scary for something to change.  Failure is daunting, but in many of us—so is success.

So I ask you this one question: WHY are we afraid to change? Why are we afraid of the unexpected? Why do we panic when things don’t go our way—or feel insignificant and unworthy when they do?

Because stepping outside of what is familiar means letting go of our plan. And for most of us, that means we think we did something wrong—or something wrong was done to us. And many times when we succeed we still have doubts on if we deserved or can handle what comes next. 

So today I want to present a new thought. How can we become comfortable with living with the unexpected? How can we still find joy when our plans change? 

We must live with intention. How you ask? How can we live intentionally in a life that is constantly changing what we have planned? Here are some ideas . . .

We have to lose our expectations.

Too often we mistake what should be—or will be—with what we think has to be. We set unrealistic expectations for the people in our life, and for ourselves. And these expectations will almost always fail us. Because just like our life plan, when we expect a desired outcome out of someone else, they—more often than not—will not respond the same in real life as we had pictured them doing in our mind.

For example: Lets say today I spend all day doing the laundry and cleaning my house to show my family that they are loved, and have this image in my mind that when they walk in the door they are going to celebrate the efforts and time I put into a clean house . . . they are going to be loving and helpful and give me that same love in return. My thought is this—because I have made an effort and sacrifice in my love for my family—they sure as heck better come in with smiles and complements . . . or else all my efforts will feel like they were in vain. So I know how my love should be received and how I will receive love in return. Plan set. Ready go.

So with that expectation set in my mind, let me tell you how this kind of day really goes down . . .

I bust my butt all day. Laundry. Dishes. Beds. Toilets. Carpet. Dog poo. Water the bunny. Feed the fish.  Vacuum. Scrub. Mop. Plunge. Organize. Dust. Scour. Wipe. Sweep.

The house is shinning when the first child walks in the door. He is frustrated with the lunch selection that came from a pot of leftovers. Annoying, but we work it out. Homework. Art project. The twins are home before we know it. Remember they have homework to do. Fighting about who will use the computer first—mom is referee. Elementary kids get home. More homework. After school snacks. Breaking up small battles about Pokemon cards. Packing lunches for tomorrow. Cleaning up snacks. Soccer. Dance. Basketball. Scouts. Voice lessons. Home again. Send kids up to shower. Just then husband walks in the door from his own long day. “Hey baby. You look cute in those sweats. What’s for dinner?”

Dinner . . . I never forget about dinner. But I just did. Time freezes for a few seconds as I look around the house, hoping so desperately that he will notice all the things I did do that day. Knowing that his approval of them will help me feel important and loved.  I look around the kitchen, then over to the family room. Chaos. Messes everywhere. You would never in a million years guess that cleaning had been any part of my day. Not one square inch of the house looks like it had been touched in weeks. My heart sinks. Everything I had done to show my husband and kids that they were loved—was a waste. Nothing to show for it. Irritated . . . and hungry. Longing for just one of them to see my efforts.

Sometimes in this moment with my expectations so defeated, I have snapped back with a, “Dinner? Are you kidding me . . . do you not see everything I had to do today?” and then go about listing all the errands run and cleaning achieved. Other times I have silently—with an internal pity party, that no one had noticed my sacrifices—started heating up a can of soup. All the while feeling defeated, unloved, unappreciated, and invisible. Waiting around for someone to tell me that what I did that day was seen. As if that simple acknowledgment was my lifeline.

This is what I mean by living with expectations. And it can happen in literally every setting and any interaction we have with ourselves, or another person. Even simple things, like letting someone merge in front of us . . . expecting a wave or an acknowledgment of our kindness, can lead us to having a horrible day. Doing an extra project at work, and believing that our boss will notice and praise—is an expectation that will most likely lose.

Living with expectations sets us up to fail—because it puts power into a plan—our plan.

So how do we live intentionally, so that our own expectations do not become our very demise? How do we live so that we act and not react to life?

First off, we have to see others. Stepping outside ourselves does not take any expectations. Because when we are truly open to helping and loving another person, we don’t do it for ourselves. We do it for them.

If what I want to gain from scrubbing floors and cleaning up crap is a stroke to my mommy ego . . . then I am not serving my family—I am serving myself.  To live intentionally we have to do this life on purpose. Living with purpose does not require our own plan—but it does take a lot of faith.

The days don’t change much—the ones we live with intention—but our fears do. Fear of being unseen, fear of being invisible and forgotten . . . those are what drive us to live for ourselves. But the love of another person, that is what empowers us to live for them. We act, instead of react to the environments we are placed in.

Sacrifices made become less of a need to be acknowledged and more of an acknowledgment of another person’s needs. 

We cannot set out to serve, expecting anything in return. God sees our efforts. He sees the love we have given, and understands how hard it is when we feel we haven’t received it back. We have to turn to Him for that approval—ask Him what is next in His plan.

I can promise you—you will fail, but even more—you will succeed. Both of these can be scary in their own way, because in both, things will change. Change means we are growing. Some changes are hard. Some are exciting. But to become the refined and beautiful person we must become—we first have to live with intention instead of expectation. Success and failure will begin to be gaged on how we treat others instead of how we are treated.

With a purpose of living for God, we can serve others . . . even those who do not see us. We can love, even those who do not love us back. And we can use our words and our actions with clarity instead of fear.

He sees you. He honors you. He respects you. Do it all for Him. Then at the end of the day . . . thank Him for the blessing it was to serve . . . and to love on purpose. Our lives were meant to be lived with faith and intention, directed by His plan.

Don’t be afraid of failure—it will make you stronger. But even more, don’t be afraid to succeed. It is why you are here. To find your purpose in His plan, and your worth in His love for you. 

You are enough. Today, yesterday . . . and for every tomorrow to come.

So what are you afraid of? What is it costing you? How would your life be different without it? What is your first step to achieving it?

He already has

With Grace

 Though I wrestle with the impressions to have to share hard things, I know that these truths come from God. And for that, I am thankful for the opportunity to learn and relearn them. I believe in His plan, though there are so many things I don't know I will ever fully understand, maybe that is all part of the test of life. 

What ever your story, and the pains that you carry. You are enough for Him, and He loves you. 

Easter: the scars of His love

Yesterday, after taking my girls to the woman's session of General Conference and visiting a friend the night was late. I tucked the girls in bed and didn't even get comfy before I realized I had a lot of work to do to get ready for Easter. (I know most of you moms have this stuff planned way in advance . . . please teach me!)  I was in the garage looking for our dang Easter basket box when my mind was flooded with lots of thoughts. I wanted to sit down and write, but being that it was already 11:00 I decided to just grab my phone and record the memories that were filling my heart.


I hope everyone has a very blessed Easter as you celebrate the resurrection of our Savior and His love and grace. I know He lives.

Original post about this story:
Take Upon Me

LOVE: How to find love when you feel alone

As Valentines Day approaches love is in the air. 

Love. 

We all want it. We want to give it. We want to receive it. We want it to surround us. Sometimes we wait around for love to come and complete us, other times it takes us by surprise. But love—or the lack of it—drives us.

I think to some extent, or at some time in our life, we all battle the false belief that we are not enough; aren’t loveable; are worthless; are unworthy; or in someway do not add up to an ideal we—or we think others—perceive we should be.

So how on earth are we all going to love each other when many days our own self-love is in question? How can we give ourselves to another person fully, if we are still trying to figure out who that self is?

I have been down this road many times in my life—battling beliefs that tried to drown out all truths. I remember as a young high school girl thinking that I would truly find who I was when I found the right guy to tell me so. And yet—every time anyone would get close enough I would push him away.

And so it went. I had little trust in men—and little faith in myself. But I still looked for love, and felt I needed it to be whole.

Then one day, there he was. He swept me off my feet and for the first time I let down my guard. He became my sense of worth. Every whisper in my ear was my motivation to be better. Every word he spoke encouraged me to remember how amazing I was.

Our wedding day was sweet. I felt beautiful and worthy. Children born brought even more fulfillment, as he encouraged me as their mother. Every sense of who I wanted to be came from his approval.

For years this newfound feeling of worth was empowering. He believed in me. He saw me. I found great joy in being a wife and a mother. It completed and fulfilled me. Life was busy, and the days were long—but I was living my dreams.

Looking back now I should have known better than to build my worth on living a dream. I wish I had figured out on my own that I had value and purpose. I wish I would have known that finding it in another person could be life shattering.

A few months after our fifth child was born, that lie found me again. Only this time it was weaved with actual proof that I had not been enough. In a matter of seconds I learned of two bullets that would change me. Two bullets that not only ripped into my husband’s chest and forehead—they would sound in my mind for years to come. Those bullets told tales of the lies that were defiling everything I thought I had—they told the secrets I had not known. Those bullets were proof that what I had believed all those years ago was true—I was not enough. Not for my husband, or the other woman and her husband—not for the gun. Nobody.

Tears don’t cry out the feeling that you are not enough. They just build it stronger.

I have remarried an amazing man who has helped me heal in so many ways. We have had many ups and downs. We have fought to see each other, but this time has been much harder—knowing how easy it is to lose—giving my whole heart. The first years of our marriage I longed to feel whole and to give him what I felt he deserved as a husband. I wanted to be the carefree girl who put everything into him and based her happiness on his love—but I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to love, because I still hated myself and longed for all the sense of worth I thought I had lost when that gun fired.

Well next month it will have been five years. And I have learned a thing or two about those lies. They aren’t what is real. I have learned many truths that I work every day to replace them.

  

We have to love ourselves. Not in a egotistical kind of way, but in an eternal worth kind of way. Finding love for our self is hard. We are our own worst enemies when we are believing our own lies. Fear is our constant companion when we are waiting around for the ones who don't come, or don't love us in the ways we think we deserve. 

Happiness is a choice. We cannot base our happiness on anything or anyone that we can one day lose. Others can add to our happiness, but cannot be the foundation of our worth. Happiness can be ours even when others are not making good choices or do not see us how we want to be seen; we can even be happy when others are miserable. And that is truth I can finally clearly see. Someday I will perfectly live this truth—but until then I will do my best trying.

Being enough comes from within ourselves as a gift from God. Being enough doesn’t come from another person. Changing this lie to a truth can be liberating, but it can only be changed by truths from within. Forgiveness of—not only those who have not been there for you but—yourself. The first step is realizing that it was a lie you had told yourself over and over again . . . that it was some else’s job to create your happiness.  

Connecting ourselves—not to another person to give us that sense of who we are—but to our true self and to God.  I wish that came naturally for me. I wish twelve years ago before I said, “I DO!” to a man, I would have first said it to me.

So to all you ladies (and gentlemen) who think that love will solve the voids inside—please don’t wait. Love is not something you have to wait around for. It is a gift you will much better be able to give once you know to do it alone. Turn to God for your sense of worth. He will always be there and see you as the perfect creation you are.

 It is not others that make us a princess, it is God that sees us as a queen. It is not men that make us great. It is Him.

(Bailey Halloween 2008)

*I sat down at my computer to write a Valentines article for Deseret, and instead wrote this. I have been speaking at a lot of singles events lately and this is a truth I have been thinking a lot about. And as I prepare for A Reason to Stand on March 4th (online) and 5th (live in Boise) I have had many opportunities to contemplate the true meaning of forgiveness of others and of self. 

Valentines Day is just another day. It doesn't have to be a reminder of all we do not have, or all we have lost.  It can be a day to remember some truths about the real purpose of love and how to find it within ourselves. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!