Steady brightness

In a week where we reflect upon all we are thankful for...my heart is full as I look over the miracles of grace that have come into our lives. For this man who I couldn’t have created more perfect for us. He is a unicorn, the rare kind that are hard to find. He is the most patient and steady person I have ever met. He makes me laugh about a hundred times a day...and I am pretty sure his main goal in life is to never make me cry. Scott is confident, yet tender with my opinions and emotions. He is respectful, of everyone he meets. He is loving and reassuring. He is WAY nice to look at...but even more amazing to be around. He helps me want to be a more patient parent, and a more loving friend. He always opens my door. He is a spiritual giant, and steady in his faith. He loves being a father, and has never once made me feel like this crew is a burden. Just like him, his whole family has taken taken us right in. Scott...I think the greatest gift you have given me is hope. For a long time I thought love was just a little glimmer of light on the good days, but with you it is a steady brightness. From the moment I met you, you have supported me on my journey, and have lifted me up and believed in me as a mother, speaker, writer, and now wife. Thanks for not only showing up in our lives...but showing up every day, even the hard days. I am thankful for you, and the life you have lived that brought you here. Just like these five, this baby coming in June is lucky to have a dad like you, one who can not only tell them...but show them what life is all about.

Read it

My sisters and I are reading a book for a "The Finer things club" (The Office). Read a long with us? This months book . . . The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.  I started today and am half way through it. You won't regret it. I love her perspective and love her view of owning our own happiness and being the happy woman our partners deserve. So great.

Let me know your thoughts and feeling in the comments. Happy reading.




(Click on the book to find it on Amazon.)

What does betrayal feel like?

What does betrayal feel like? Let's talk about betrayal trauma for a minute, since none of us like to. Have you gone through betrayal? Do you find yourself stuck in those emotions and fears? Has it made you feel alone?



Well I just want you to know you are not. And this was not your fault or even about you. It was about them. Time to give yourself permission to move forward and start loving yourself and trusting again.

Protect marriage . . . It matters

Today I want to talk about the subject of marriage. From the beginning of time marriage has been the foundation of humanity. It all started with Adam and Eve. Marriage gives structure to what otherwise could just be a civilization full of intimate relationships without any connections or ties to each other. It is so important to have healthy marriages to make up our societies . . . but why is it so hard?

First marriage, second marriage . . . fourth marriage—whatever your marriage looks like at this point . . . you can attest, that some moments are not easy. We are different—men and woman— and all marriages take work, compromise, faith, patience, and a whole lot of love, that—some days—is very hard to remember.

And if you haven’t yet hit bumps in the road . . . I am pretty sure you are the exception. And if you think you will never hit bumps in the road . . . I am pretty sure you are in denial.

So how do we win? If statistics tell us that our relationships are more than likely going to fail, and the world tells us that if it isn’t easy—then it can’t be love. How the hell are we going to survive?

We have a constant enemy on our back—orchestrating the demise of any and all healthy relationships. He sends temptations, addictions, anxiety, insecurities, unrealistic expectations, fear, betrayal, and lies that shake us to our core. And he has created so much chaos in our world that marriage is no longer considered important. Rings mean nothing. Vows, promises, covenants . . . are all foggy. He has taken what once was important and turned it into something that sometimes seems impossible—healthy lasting relationships, the protection of our families.

Some years ago. . . I always just assumed that people would protect my marriage—my husband, being the first I always thought would have my back. He didn’t. And that hurt. A lot of times I assumed a wedding ring was all the protection anyone would need—a symbol of the promises and vows they had made. I had no idea that even when wearing a ring—or seeing another person with a symbol of their marital status clearly on their finger—people would flirt, and flaunt, and purposefully entice someone that isn’t theirs. They do, and that hurts.

We are not perfect. That is one of the hardest parts about marriage—they are made up of two imperfect people with pasts. Everyone in this world is hurting in some way—whether they acknowledge it or not, or understand the significance the past has played in who they have become—every life encounters some form of disappointment . . . some easier to forget than others.  But nonetheless, we are all individuals with pain, triggers, fears, and trials sometimes bigger than we think we are strong. So how do keep our relationships strong, if—as individuals—we are not perfect?

It’s pretty simple really—most of it we learned in preschool. Be kind. Share. Obey the rules. Live our truths. Be honest, even when we know we will disappoint. Be virtuous, even when no one is looking. Acknowledge the roles we play. Care about more than just ourselves. Be forgiving, and ask for repentance. Fight for—instead of against—each other.

It was easy to see back then, when the world seemed so simple—not so easy to see now when we get so stuck in our own ways.

Our world is hurting: calamities, addictions, secrets, lies, broken homes, broken hearts, broken children, wives, and husbands; failed marriages, broken souls who don’t seem to care if they hurt anyone—broken spirits who sometimes delight in the pain of others. And fear runs it all.

So what role are we playing? Are we protecting the marriages of our society? Are we honoring ourselves and the people around us by the way behave in public, or in the quiet of our own homes. Are we showing our children the sanctity that marriage is supposed to be? Are we honest in our vows, even when no one else is watching?

Our actions do matter, and so do our marriages. So protect them. If that cute guy has a ring . . . find another one, there are literally millions. Honor yourself and his family by saying no. Please. If you have promised yourself to someone—be true. Don’t do life half way. Be real, and don’t forget their faces in the choices that you make. Even when the world tells you “your actions won’t impact anyone else” . . . don’t buy it. Everything you do makes a difference—for bad or good.

We need homes that are strong. We need marriages that last, and we need a society that fights—fights for the unions that make up our people. Fights for strong families, strong children, and strong homes. Fights for their own dignity—protecting not just themselves, but the others in their world.

The fidelity of our society matters; the integrity of our people creates our nations. And it starts with us. Stand tall as a noble son or daughter of God. Your choices to protect cannot only save lives . . . it can change our world.

If you have secret relationships that are clouding your view of the person you always thought you would be, it is not too late. Life isn’t over until it is. Make today count. You are worth fighting for. That dark fog, that has made you think you aren’t worthy of grace . . . of real love . . . of a strong marriage. It is the lie. You don’t have to live in the fog. Change the story—for the families, for the spouses . . . and for yourself. You are enough.

Protect marriage. It matters.

Putting Yourself Out There

Today I got a guest post emailed to me by a super hot guy I know! I didn't even know he was working on it until it hit my inbox. 

 So from the desk of Shawn Birk . . . 

Putting Yourself Out There

We all have done it, haven’t we?  I am doing it right now, by writing this post. You see the great thing about putting yourself out there is the rawness of emotion. Its real, it’s sincere, it’s genuine, and for most, it is coming to a realization about one’s self. I am not really sure why I started to write about this, other than; it feels as if we all are hurting right now. We are hurting as a World, a Nation, as a Father, Mother, Son, Daughter, Husband or Wife. So while being vulnerable and exposed is scary, I believe it is exactly what we ALL need, and we need it right now.

I want to enlighten us with words of inspiration, with insight that is so profound it can change the way that we view ourselves, our relationships, and beliefs of our own potential. Something said that completely changes the way we live, think, and more importantly speak and feel about each other. The truth is, I got nothing!

I could go on for days upon days about what is wrong with everyone else. My wife, my boss, my parents, my children, other people’s relationships…and definitely about strangers! I could from the outside, dissect and analyze everyone else’s problems, shortcomings and failures. That’s easy! Can I do the same about myself? Not a chance. When we look inward, it’s a whole different ball game. So let’s play ball. Let’s get real.  Put yourself out there, because by doing that, by being meek and humble, the real process of change begins.

For the last year I have been an interested spectator, in what has turned out to be a very…well…let’s say unique election year. I have watched, listened and have been sickened by the tone and example that our “leaders” display.  We have witnessed constant disrespect, dishonesty, disingenuous, and disgusting rhetoric that has become somehow acceptable in our daily interactions as a Nation. Two things… one, those were lots of disses, and two, how far have we fallen as a God loving, God fearing Nation? It has affected me in ways that I really haven’t realized until now. You see the most disturbing part of watching the elections play out on the National stage has been coming to a realization that my own life has mimicked the state of our Nation.

What do I mean by that, you may ask?

In a lot of ways I am jaded; ineffective, intolerant, unwilling to compromise or change…I have for all intents and purposes become The United States of America.  It is hard to look at myself and think that I share a lot of attributes that I find so repulsive in our society currently. I don’t want to be this, I don’t want to look for the negative first, I don’t want to unleash a preemptive attack in order to protect myself. I don’t want to build a “wall” in order to keep others out of my bubble, I don’t want to live a life that only appreciates and understands those who think like me. I don’t want to be dishonest; I don’t want to destroy my relationships with others. I don’t want to be that guy, but the thought of being rejected, not understood, not loved, not appreciated and valued seems to drive a lot of these behaviors.

So what does this have to do with putting yourself out there? EVERYTHING!

For me, putting myself out there means that I acknowledge my own “stuff”. Recognizing when I hurt others by sharp words, or when my pride has hindered my ability to mend a relationship. When I place my own interests above others, or fail to compromise. The list goes on and on, but until we can humble ourselves and for one second forget the “what about me” mentality, the change will never happen. 

The amazing thing about this life and journey is we have the power to change; we can reinvent our lives and rewrite our story.  I have the ability right now to decide that I will speak a little bit kinder, that I will be more understanding, more forgiving, empathetic, more Christ like. Instead of looking for fault, I will find virtue, instead of being quick to anger; I will be quick to forgive. Instead of tearing down, I will build up, instead of being selfish; I will be selfless, because after all I am my brother’s keeper.

So today, our Nations election day is a day of renewal, a day of hope, and a day of change. When we all commit to being better than we were yesterday, treating others with respect, understanding, compassion and love, the change is inevitable.

Anything but normal

Last night I was getting frustrated with my washing machine. A few months back it started acting up and wouldn't add water into the tank. I experimented and found that if I ran it on the delicate cycle it worked just fine. Then I tried the bedding cycle—worked perfectly. So I tried, on the third load, to go back to the normal setting and run it again. Nothing. Dry as a bone. 

So for the last few months—instead of calling a repairman like a "normal" person—I have just run the machine on all the settings, except normal. Yesterday my frustrations were reignited when I forgot and tried to run the machine on the normal setting. Figuring out at the end of the cycle that the machine hadn’t even begun to do its job. The clothes had gone through the cycle, but since no water had been added to the machine they were still dry . . . and dirty.

What is normal? A destination we want to reach? What we think others are—and we should want to become? Is the ideal of “normal” something that inspires us to set goals, or just a word that makes us believe we aren’t good enough the way we are?

 Normal. It is just a setting on my washing machine, but as of right now, even on my washing machine “normal” is pretty useless.

What is normal in an individual? And in a family? I think we all have an idea of what a family should look like—an ideal setting in which we want to strive to live. As individuals we set goals to become something we are not currently living as, and hopes for what we want others to become. Only in families, when we have our heart set on “normal” we almost always fail, because the truth is: “normal” isn’t real.

NONE of us are normal. And just like my washer, no matter how many times I try to force it into that “setting”—or we try to live in the belief of becoming “normal”—or mistakenly forget that it doesn’t work for us—but accidently try to start using it again—something is going to go wrong. We stop living life as us, and begin aspiring to an unachievable goal. And we go through the motions—of the “normal” life . . . but in the end we are still just a pile of dirty clothes. Sometimes wondering if we are in the wrong place because our path doesn’t look like we thought that it should. Our families feel anything but normal and we start to wonder if our need to feel “normal” would better be achieved somewhere else.

So where do we reach that goal? Can it ever be achieved in the un“normal” settings we have all been placed in? We want to be happy, but our belief that we first have to be normal . . . is making us miserable.

Look at your family. They are everything but “normal” right? Ya. Me too. But they are right where we belong.

Every family looks different. Some have only one parent. Some have no children. Some families are two families blended together into one. Some kids have to go back and forth between two houses—other kids wished they had a house to live. Some children have a birth mom and live with parents who look nothing like them. In some households everyone looks almost exactly the same. Some couples wished they could have a baby—others don’t know what to do with the news that a baby is on the way. 

Humans. Not one of us is the same. We each have a story—a unique journey that has made us who we are. Some of us were planned—some of us were surprises. Some of us have dark skin— others have light. Some of us have brown eyes, and others got their blue eyes from a father they have never met. But not one of us is normal. And we were never supposed to be. Unique and different from one person to another—and one family to the next.

So many nights I have cried with a prayerful plea that I could just be “normal” again. Some of these moments have been a cry for the pain to be taken from me; others a hope that my past could be erased. Some days have been a wish that one of our daughters didn’t have to flip flop between two houses, and the others didn’t have to know firsthand what murder was. “Normal” began to be a destination I thought I could fight to reach—but every day I see that it is a mystical place that no one was ever supposed to be.

Satan uses it as a goal we are supposed to strive for, so we always wonder what is wrong with us. Never fully living in our own truths—always having a thought at the back of our mind that our differences keep us from that goal.

So in light of our very un“normal” blended family’s anniversary I petition that we ban the normal setting in our minds—just like my washing machine—and start seeing the good that comes from looking at our families, and ourselves, with the delicate setting as our goal.

God believes in you. He believes in families. He believes in love. He believes in making right our wrongs. He believes in us . . . as broken, blended, delicate, fractured, and imperfect as we are.

So to all my un“normal” friends. Thanks for loving the broken me, that has shared my heart with all of you. Thanks for believing in this far from “normal” blended family that I get to call mine every single day. Thanks for living your stories, as hard and emotional as they have been. For sharing your struggles and triumphs with me and helping me understand how special each journey can be.

Normal really is just a setting on a washing machine—and if you ask me it is over rated. You are delicate, and your life is beautiful. With all the bumps and bruises, and smiles in between.

Five years ago Shawn and I made the biggest decision of our lives. We became a blended family.

Has it been easy? Nope. Were we prepared for it? No. Has it been perfect? Not at all. Have there been days when one or the other of us has thought we made a mistake and wished we could just be "normal"? Absolutely.  

But I would do it all again . . .

The crazy part of life is that we never know what it has in store. We can try to map it out, and create plans but the truth is, the only thing we can plan is that our map will have some twists and turns. 

Be prepared to take some leaps. Be willing to jump. Have faith that God's plan will be greater than the one you always thought you would live. And then live it. Own it. And make the most of every moment. Like it was all on purpose. 

Happy Anniversary to the man who has stood by my side through the hardest of days—but also the sweetest of memories. I don’t know how we made it through, but I am so thankful I am here with you. There has been nothing normal about our life, but I love that we fight every day to live it.

Love you Shawn.

Post about our marriage: 
http://www.themomentswestand.com/2014/05/what-if-i-jump.html

The other woman

It is not every day an email in my inbox starts like this...

Dear Ashlee, When you accepted my friend request on Facebook, I was thrilled, because your story inspired me and made me look at my marriage in a new way. I had thanked you and said, “though I was happily married, you were still an inspiration to my life”. What you didn’t know was, that my marriage had suffered infidelity as well. But, I was the betrayer. 

Two years ago I was in a similar place as Emmett. I think that’s why your story hit so close to home for me. I was lost and hurting and caused my family and my marriage pain. My husband is the one who showed me forgiveness and I have wondered why and struggled to forgive myself, until I read your story. Your love and dedication made me see that in my husband and why he fought for our marriage and our family. Though I still struggle to forgive myself and I know that I am not a victim of infidelity, as so many of the people I have seen share their stories with you; I find all of the stories inspiring and admire the women who share them. And I am sorry for being everything that you and others have seen in a significant other. But, because of people like you, everyday I love my husband more than ever for the same love and dedication he has shown and I want to share how strong he has been. 

I want to share a part of my story with you, and others, because I often hear people say how bad men are or how husbands can’t be trusted or that all men wander … this is not true. I want to share our story because it was my husband who was strong and stood for our marriage and helped me stand as well. 

Two years ago my marriage suffered from infidelity, but it was not my husband who had betrayed our marriage . . . it was me. 

I was the other woman. 

I know as women we are not supposed to feel weak or hopeless. We aren't supposed to be the ones who walk away from our marriages or families. We are supposed to be the strong ones. Home holding together our families, and put together every day. Perfect. Never broken. But I was just that, weak and broken.  

My husband and I had been together for about 6 years and married for half of that; we had recently bought a new home and had a little boy. I don’t know what it was . . . life, jobs, money, etc. that got in the way, but something drifted us apart. 

Things had gotten so bad; I finally told my husband that I was leaving. I did not want the struggles of our relationship any longer. Every day it felt like something new. I felt empty, dark and miserable. I knew I deserved more. 

I don’t know if he believed me, but I had made up my mind I was moving out. I guess looking for other houses made looking for other things easy. 

But, the truth is: we still shared a bedroom and he still had hope. While he was working on our marriage—I was walking away from it. 

One night he walked into our room and said “I know something is going on, so why don’t you just tell me.” 

My heart stopped. I knew if I told him the truth everything would be over for real. I told him of all the problems I thought our marriage had because of him … hoping to avoid my role. At first I thought that would be enough, but then out came the truth. 

I told him I had been with someone else. At first he just looked broken. Then he got angry. He yelled and screamed; and finally he walked out. 

My marriage was over—and I was the one who had destroyed it. 

I broke down.  I sunk deeper than I had ever been in my life. I cried harder than I had ever cried before—not because I was leaving but—because I (for the first time) realized that I had hurt the only person that I really loved. I had hurt my best friend. All that time I had forgotten that I loved him. It had felt so real, all the lies. But the truth was: I didn’t want anything or anyone else. 

I realized that for months I had told him all of the problems I thought our marriage had, but I never once was there trying to help him fix them. I had put everything on him, but the truth was … our marriage was done because of me. 

He came back into our bedroom hours later. We cried and he held my face in his hands and said “This isn’t it, divorce is not an option. I said our vows in front of God and our family and I meant them. You’re not leaving and we’re going to make this work. It isn’t going to be easy and it’s going to hurt, but we’re going to do it . . . together.” 

I never believed in second chances, or forgiveness, or true love … until that  moment. 

My childhood had been full of heartache. I had never seen anyone willing to make right their wrongs, or ask for a second chance. I didn’t even know what that was until I saw my husband pick himself up, stand strong and show me what forgiveness is and what second chances mean. 

He helped me stand. 

Since then, I have opened myself up to him. I have worked hard to show him love and appreciation and work at our marriage together. I have found out who I am and what I want to live for. It has not been easy and there have been many tears, but we have shown each other more love in two years than we have in all of our other years together. We have even welcomed a new baby into our family. 

Not all betrayers are men; not all men cheat. There are men who are stronger than you ever thought possible.

To everyone who is reading this. You may never know my name, but now you know my story.  I am the other woman. The weak one. But that day I learned that it was my weaknesses that were hurting my family, and my husband's strength that brought us back together.

The life I live now would not have been possible if my husband hadn’t made the choice to get back up and hold out his hand to show me how to stand.

------------------------------------

The author shared this sweet post with me on Facebook and asked if I post it without her name.  

So friend, you know who you are, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing a piece of your heart. Hopefully someday I can meet you in person and give you a big hug. 

I am so thankful for her encouraging words for husbands and wives. We all need forgiveness and grace if we are going to make it through this thing called marriage. I know the answer is not always to stay, but how powerful it is to hear stories of courage of those who do. 

I don't know what the answers are for you in your marriage. But God does. He has a plan for each of us, and no easy roads. Lots of good ones. If this vulnerable time has come into your journey please know you are not alone. NO matter what your religion, race, financial status, or gender there are so many of us who have been hurt by infidelity—and continue to carry the scars that it leaves. But we are not unique. So many suffer silently, because it is scary and lonely and hard. It sucks. But please know, you have friends all over the world who have walked this road and there are answers to make it through. And whether you stay or you leave, you are brave and strong. It takes courage to get those answers from God and carry them out. But there is no one answer, except the one that comes from Him. 

Thank you again for sharing your story. 

If you or someone you know has a story to share please email me at themomentswestand@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you! (Just know, this summer I am so behind on life outside my kids, so if it takes a while for me to get back to you don't take it personal!!)





Related posts: 
To the Dad who walked away