Always the plan

I have been ghosting all of you the past few months. What started with giving some freedom to someone I thought I could trust . . . ended in a reevaluation of what and who I want to be, and what I want this blog and my non profit A Reason to Stand to become. I have never been surrounded by so many “business” people driven by power and money, than I have the past six months; masked in the form of genuine hearts willing to help.

It has been healing to step back and compare watching others try to take something that didn’t belong to them, and realize that I still had a lot of pain from another time someone came and took from me something that didn’t belong to him. I have felt like my walls went back up, leaving me too afraid to be vulnerable—and in protection mode all over again.

After a month of preterm labor, and now a few weeks engulfed in all my efforts being used up in a desperate fight to no longer be pregnant . . . it is no surprise to me that I sit here at six in the morning, feeling a need to get out of my head what has been on my mind.

Protecting our children.

I am about to give birth to a child that is coming into a different world than the other five have lived. The last time I was here, I didn’t know it, but my world was about to shatter. There have been many moments through the last nine months that I almost felt inadequate to give her a home that she deserved. A pure—un-traumatized—baby why would she want a mother who has been so broken? The dude in my head has had a great time brining me back to the fear that I couldn’t protect my other kids . . . why would this time be any different? He has been truly creative at bringing back inadequacy to a new kind of level.

So I as I have pondered these fears, and worked through some of the trauma I thought had long since passed, I have realized a few things . . .

In this world—though she hopefully won’t experience first hand what her brothers and sisters went through—she will still need to be protected from it.

We live in a world obsessed with two things. Sex and Murder. Glorified at every turn, our children are constantly bombarded with marketing full of images depicting the Hollywood version of these two sins, but what they don’t tell you is how murder really feels for the kids who live it every day.

What they don’t tell you is that both of these choices—affairs and murder—shatter hearts. What they don’t tell you is that these kids effected by losing someone close to them at the hand of another person . . . lose their childhood—their innocence—in a single moment. What Hollywood fails to portray is the years that follow. They want us to think that murder is intriguing, they want our children to think that it is just part of life. Little do they know is how it really feels when it happens to you.

So what does growing up in a world of murder feel like? It feels like panic attacks at school when a Hollywood version book about murder is read out loud to a group of 8^th graders. It feels like anxiety for weeks after a 12 year old plays a shooting game with all of his friends. Haunting nightmares after accidently seeing a commercial during a football game—a commercial about a cereal killer. Little kids scared to go up to their room alone. Kids afraid to go to school after a lock in drill. Tears in the night after someone says a simple phrase when not wanting to do a task at school,
Just shoot me in the head.” Words that in any one else’s world seem so simple—to children of murder—brings about an image that is all too real.

So to those in Hollywood who make light of taking a life . . . I want you to know that murder isn’t just a cool topic that—as my daughter’s eighth grade teacher put it—“keeps their attention because kids like this stuff”. Kids only like this stuff, because we have let it become commonplace in their life. I know for a fact that we wouldn’t let them read books about 10 different ways a sex addict raped someone—so why is it ok to have them read a book about 10 different ways a serial killer murdered people?

Our kids are being told lies. They are playing games that take away their view of the preciousness of every life. They are watching movies that glorify and give power to sex and violence. They are surrounded by images that take away the importance of fidelity and protection of life. Then we wonder why young kids bring guns into schools; we wonder why they do it in a way that they have no empathy for anyone else . . . it is because we have taught them that it is ok . . . and not just ok—we have let them come to believe that it is cool.

Our kids deserve more. They need us to care about what we let the world put into their heads. We need to protect them from the numbing effect of stories and games that fog their view of reality and fantasy. They need us to filter out the world, and teach them right from wrong. They need to learn empathy.

I learned the importance of this by parenting what the world might call “broken children”. But guess what . . . the world is the broken one. God wants us to have empathy. And my unlucky children learned that the day their father was shot in the head. They care about what others are going through and how things feel for them. They care about every emotion I feel—sometimes to an obnoxious level. They cry when their friend’s parents get divorced, because they don’t want them to hurt. They ask for an extra ten bucks when their school is raising money for a student with cancer—not because they know him well—but because they ache for another in pain.

Emapthy is what we have to teach our kids, to care about every life that is around them. Empathy—heart for another person’s needs—is what changes everything. Empathy is what this pure child who hasn’t felt the effect of trauma is going to learn from her siblings who have lived a life full of it.

So little baby. You are coming to a family that some days has felt a little broken . . . but what I finally figured out: this was always the plan. You won’t see them as your broken brothers and sisters—you will see them as brothers and sisters who learned at a young age what it is like to care. They will protect you on a fierce level at every turn, because they will never want you to hurt. They will be your warriors, because they learned a long time ago that life is precious. They will give you their hearts, because they know what it feels like for hearts to be broken. You won’t see them as broken, because it is in their broken past that they learned how to love.

Empathy is love—caring about the life and needs of another person. In a world full of empathy there is no room for the world’s view of what makes us broken. God doesn’t make any mistakes . . . so little baby, I am ready to be your mom. I am worthy to be your mom. This was always the plan. My heart is ready to do it again, and I have faith that this time it will be different. It won’t be perfect—no life is—but what I can promise you is that it will be beautiful. A perfect kind of mess. The world isn’t what we are bringing you into . . . you are coming straight into our hearts—and we can’t wait.

God’s plan is beautiful . . . and I am so glad you choose us. This was always the plan.

The Sacred Gift of Childbirth

I recently learned of a new book that I want to share with all you young moms. Two of my sisters had babies about a month ago, and watching them go through the joys of that phase of life again got me thinking about all of my experiences as a new mother. 

So in light of becoming an aunt again, and missing the baby stage, I asked Marie to introduce herself and tell us a little bit about her new book. 

(Click on picture to find it on Amazon)

The Sacred Gift of Childbirth

Hi!  My name is Marie Bigelow.  I live in Boise, ID, with my awesome husband and cool kiddos.  I love being a mom, and I love helping other moms as they prepare for and give birth.  For almost 13 years, I’ve been helping women “stand” as they welcome their children into the world.  As a doula, childbirth educator, and mother, I have been able to witness and support the miracle of birth hundreds of times.  And each time I do I am reminded of one thing. 

God loves us. 

At the beginning of my career, I viewed birth the way most people do.  As a physical event that brings a baby out of a mother’s body.  But several years into my career I began learning about the physiological aspect of birth (what’s happening inside the mother’s brain while she gives birth), and it changed everything for me.  I learned that while a woman is laboring and giving birth, her brain undergoes dozens of chemical reactions that make her feel joyful, ecstatic, loving, nurturing, protective, and empathetic.  And when I learned that, I thought one thing:

God loves us.

It was clear to me that God had a hand in it all.  That He had designed every chemical reaction to help a woman transform into a mother as she gave birth.  It testified of His love for His daughters, as He created so many avenues to strengthen and magnify His daughters as they became mothers. 

I want all women to come to see the sacred nature of childbirth, and put God and faith back into this miraculous process.   That’s why I wrote my new book “The Sacred Gift of Childbirth: Making Empowered Choices for You and Your Baby”. 

I wanted a resource that helped my clients feel God’s love for them as they prepared for childbirth, but I also wanted a resource that addressed the unacceptable trends in American birth today.  Most of my clients are unaware that America’s maternal mortality rate is the highest in the industrialized world, and have little understanding that the medical interventions we think are making birth safer are actually making it more dangerous for mothers and for babies.  My book honestly discusses the benefits and risks of birthing interventions so women can make choices based in scientific data, as opposed to cultural norms and beliefs. 

Written from an LDS perspective, everything I write can be backed up with scripture, doctrine, or scientific data, so readers can feel confident in the information they are getting.  The book is broken up into 4 sections.

Section 1: God’s Plan for Birth.  This section describes the physical and physiological processes of birth, and teaches how birth fits into the plan of salvation.  Readers will learn to see God’s hand throughout the birthing process and understand how birth edifies and strengthens a woman.

Section 2: The Medicalization of a Miracle.  This section goes over common birth interventions, (epidurals, inductions and cesareans) and discusses the benefits and risks of each.  It includes the most up-to-date statistics on American birth and is filled with scientific information to educate and empower women as they learn about their options. 

Section 3:  Making Birth Decisions.  This section gives readers decision-making tools, so couples can prayerfully and scientifically understand which type of birth will be safest and most satisfying for their personal situation.  It covers everything from choosing a care provider to learning how to make quick decisions in the moment as labor progresses. 

Section 4: How Birth Affects the Family.  This section discusses emotional outcomes for women after giving birth, and discusses how postpartum depression can affect a woman psychologically and spiritually.  It then gives advice on how to prepare our daughters for childbirth.  It ends with a chapter written specifically for husbands to learn how to support their wives during pregnancy and birth.   

Not only is my book the most current resource on the scientific aspects of childbirth, but it’s the only scientific resource available that also include the spiritual aspect of birth.  It is the only resource that can prepare you physically, emotionally and spiritually for birth. 

And I know it’s exactly what women need to truly understand all the aspects of giving birth.

If you want to empower yourself spiritually, emotionally, and physically for your birth, you can purchase my book at Deseret Book, Barnes & Noble, or Amazon.  You can also get signed copies through my personal website www.MarieBigelow.com.

Marie Bigelow is a certified birth doula, childbirth educator, music therapist and author.  She was recently awarded the prestigious Advanced Doula Designation for her contribution to the field of maternal and fetal health.  Marie is passionate about improving outcomes for women and babies, and strives to give her clients the highest quality of care and support available. To learn more about Marie, her book, and her birthing services, visit www.MarieBigelow.com.