Protect marriage . . . It matters

Today I want to talk about the subject of marriage. From the beginning of time marriage has been the foundation of humanity. It all started with Adam and Eve. Marriage gives structure to what otherwise could just be a civilization full of intimate relationships without any connections or ties to each other. It is so important to have healthy marriages to make up our societies . . . but why is it so hard?

First marriage, second marriage . . . fourth marriage—whatever your marriage looks like at this point . . . you can attest, that some moments are not easy. We are different—men and woman— and all marriages take work, compromise, faith, patience, and a whole lot of love, that—some days—is very hard to remember.

And if you haven’t yet hit bumps in the road . . . I am pretty sure you are the exception. And if you think you will never hit bumps in the road . . . I am pretty sure you are in denial.

So how do we win? If statistics tell us that our relationships are more than likely going to fail, and the world tells us that if it isn’t easy—then it can’t be love. How the hell are we going to survive?

We have a constant enemy on our back—orchestrating the demise of any and all healthy relationships. He sends temptations, addictions, anxiety, insecurities, unrealistic expectations, fear, betrayal, and lies that shake us to our core. And he has created so much chaos in our world that marriage is no longer considered important. Rings mean nothing. Vows, promises, covenants . . . are all foggy. He has taken what once was important and turned it into something that sometimes seems impossible—healthy lasting relationships, the protection of our families.

Some years ago. . . I always just assumed that people would protect my marriage—my husband, being the first I always thought would have my back. He didn’t. And that hurt. A lot of times I assumed a wedding ring was all the protection anyone would need—a symbol of the promises and vows they had made. I had no idea that even when wearing a ring—or seeing another person with a symbol of their marital status clearly on their finger—people would flirt, and flaunt, and purposefully entice someone that isn’t theirs. They do, and that hurts.

We are not perfect. That is one of the hardest parts about marriage—they are made up of two imperfect people with pasts. Everyone in this world is hurting in some way—whether they acknowledge it or not, or understand the significance the past has played in who they have become—every life encounters some form of disappointment . . . some easier to forget than others.  But nonetheless, we are all individuals with pain, triggers, fears, and trials sometimes bigger than we think we are strong. So how do keep our relationships strong, if—as individuals—we are not perfect?

It’s pretty simple really—most of it we learned in preschool. Be kind. Share. Obey the rules. Live our truths. Be honest, even when we know we will disappoint. Be virtuous, even when no one is looking. Acknowledge the roles we play. Care about more than just ourselves. Be forgiving, and ask for repentance. Fight for—instead of against—each other.

It was easy to see back then, when the world seemed so simple—not so easy to see now when we get so stuck in our own ways.

Our world is hurting: calamities, addictions, secrets, lies, broken homes, broken hearts, broken children, wives, and husbands; failed marriages, broken souls who don’t seem to care if they hurt anyone—broken spirits who sometimes delight in the pain of others. And fear runs it all.

So what role are we playing? Are we protecting the marriages of our society? Are we honoring ourselves and the people around us by the way behave in public, or in the quiet of our own homes. Are we showing our children the sanctity that marriage is supposed to be? Are we honest in our vows, even when no one else is watching?

Our actions do matter, and so do our marriages. So protect them. If that cute guy has a ring . . . find another one, there are literally millions. Honor yourself and his family by saying no. Please. If you have promised yourself to someone—be true. Don’t do life half way. Be real, and don’t forget their faces in the choices that you make. Even when the world tells you “your actions won’t impact anyone else” . . . don’t buy it. Everything you do makes a difference—for bad or good.

We need homes that are strong. We need marriages that last, and we need a society that fights—fights for the unions that make up our people. Fights for strong families, strong children, and strong homes. Fights for their own dignity—protecting not just themselves, but the others in their world.

The fidelity of our society matters; the integrity of our people creates our nations. And it starts with us. Stand tall as a noble son or daughter of God. Your choices to protect cannot only save lives . . . it can change our world.

If you have secret relationships that are clouding your view of the person you always thought you would be, it is not too late. Life isn’t over until it is. Make today count. You are worth fighting for. That dark fog, that has made you think you aren’t worthy of grace . . . of real love . . . of a strong marriage. It is the lie. You don’t have to live in the fog. Change the story—for the families, for the spouses . . . and for yourself. You are enough.

Protect marriage. It matters.

He already has

Sometimes my heart hurts. It used to be because of my own pain and embracing my own reality. Now my heart hurts for those I have to watch walk paths I have had to walk—spouses who have experienced infidelity or friends who have had to go through the death of a loved one. So many times in the last few years I have wished I could just do it all again—in their place—instead of watching them have to suffer. I see them struggle, and genuinely wish I could save them and take away the hurt.

So tonight I just wanted to share how grateful I am that we have a Savior; that—though we cannot take away another's pain—we know that they can make it through. For it is not our strength that will ease another's burdens and help them find their journey to healing . . . it is Christ.

And every path He leads us down to be His hands, or to see with His eyes, is a gift we get to be apart of. And He has given us each other to physically stand in His place at times. Tonight I am grateful for that miracle. That the Savior of the world will save us all . . . from each other, from the darkness, and even save us from ourselves at times. He is there. ALWAYS. All we have to do is reach out our hand and He will help us take that first step to standing.

So many hurting in a broken world. We cannot save everyone. But Christ can . . . and He already has.

We watched this video tonight as a family...

DEAR TRAUMA

The first step to healing trauma is to REMEMBER

One day I was sitting in church. Every prayer that was offered, and for every blessed piece of bread and water, I heard the word REMEMBER. It tugged at me and urged me to learn more.

Some of the definitions of the word remember are:

1. To recall to the mind with effort; think of again

2. To have (something) arise in one's memory; become aware of (something) suddenly or spontaneously

3. To retain in the memory

4. To keep (someone) in mind as worthy of consideration or recognition.

5.  Engineering To return to (an original shape or form) after being deformed or altered.

This word—remember—is everywhere in the bible. Our scriptures repeat over and over that we must remember Christ. Remember that the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. Always remember Him and keep His spirit to be with us. 

In 1^st Chronicles 16:12 we read: Remember his marvellous works that he hath done, his wonders, and the judgments of his mouth. 

In Revelation 3:3 it says: Remember therefore how thou hast received and heard, and hold fast, and repent. If therefore thou shalt not watch, I will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I will come upon thee. 

In 3^rd Nephi 17:7 it says: Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy.

After reading just a few scriptures I realized that Christ wanted me to remember that through Him, many have been healed. His miracles have changed hearts, and souls, and bodies, and minds.

So as I was fixated on this word and the call to action that it seemed to be beckoning to me, I began to pray for a glimpse of all it could mean. And instantly I realized that "to remember" was the fulfillment of a promise.

And I believe that when Christ asks us to remember, He is asking us to bring to light all His miracles. Those that are recorded in His Holy books, but even more—those that we have seen in our life.

When we take that bread and water, or whatever rituals we do to commune with Him, I believe He is asking us to look back over our week, our month—and even our life time—to recall the times He was there.

We know that grace is the love of Christ—the pure love of Christ. We anticipate that it can help us be made whole at the end of our lives—when Christ will come and make up for all we could not do.

But what about today? He promised us that He would suffer for all of our pain, our sins, our shortcomings and addictions. So I cannot believe that He will just be waiting in the wings while we hurt alone. I believe He is there. I believe that He plays a role every single day. I believe that when He asks us to remember Him, He is pleading for us to see His hand in our life . . . now.

He was not just a man who walked the earth long ago, or a story we have heard. He lives. He lives in our hearts, but even more He stands by our side, every moment of every day. Through the trauma and lies, through the heart ache and pain, through the laughter and joy.

But what stops us from knowing and feeling and seeing is those lies—beliefs that come with trauma and pain, lies that build and fester in fear and hate—false beliefs that stem from chaos that cause us to forget all that we came here to REMEMBER.

He sent each of us to this earth with truths. One of those truths was the knowledge of the power of grace. Though many have forgotten that promise, it is still available to each of us. No matter where we have been, or what we have failed to see . . . He is there. And each of us is worthy of His love. And it is His love that can heal our pain.

To science He is a mythical part of imagination. To those who have not seen His hand in their life, everything we do is mere coincidence. Every blessing . . . just good luck. Every failure, a shortcoming of another person’s weakness, or proof that we will always fall short. 

But to me, He is the only One who is truly real. Though I can’t explain why, He has given me many chances to REMEMBER, and those moments are times I cannot ever forget.

That night in my closet—when I walked in to beg God for a do over—that was the closest to Heaven I have ever been. Though my body had just been through more trauma than I ever knew possible, my spirit was connected to God.

Those promises I felt, and that pure love of Christ that filled those walls—that was the truth. And looking back now, I know that it was God showing me what I had to fight for. Grace. The application of Christ’s love in my life.  I felt it stronger in that moment than I ever had in my life, and I will never forget how whole I felt, in a moment when I was truly broken. 

And the many hard fears in the hours before, on the couch with those detectives, and even the bumps in the road—that followed in the years to come—were just moments that I could show Him I hadn’t stopped fighting for that love to be part of my life again.

He doesn’t wait for our death; this is the day that grace is going to be applied. The moments we stand in our story and in our heart. Showing Him that we always remember. We get to understand that life is not for nothing. We get to come to the relationship with God that teaches us that we are not alone. We get to understand what grace is: the knowledge of our Savior’s love and the application of His presence in our day, just one of the many gifts He sent us here to REMEMBER.

It is when we are connected to His love—and to the purpose that He sent us here for—that we truly can overcome. It is not the traumatic event that a person has to endure that breaks him or her . . . it is the beliefs that they hold onto that told them they were not enough, that they were forgotten, or alone.

Once you take away those lies and darkness—and replace them with truths and light—the healing power of grace has room to change your life. The past, the present . . . and the future. 

I know He lives. I feel Him every day. He knows your name. He is the only one who will ever understand your pain. He can change you, and His power will heal you. You are not forgotten. And—just as He asks us to do—He REMEMBERS you.

For more information on the spiritual trauma healing: Click Here

My letter: Dear Trauma

Angels

Last night I had the privilege of speaking for a Young Woman's camp. My girls drove with me, and it was quite the adventure with a wrong turn, and a speeding ticket (I promise I will write about our adventures soon) but more than the adventure to get there, I was honored to speak for a woman who was once an angel for me. 

If you have read my first book, or stories on the blog at the very beginning, you will remember Kim and the "daddy blankets" she made almost over night for the kids. 

I will never forget her example and loving heart all those years ago. 

To read that story click here: Please hold me

Bring her home

In the early months of my senior year I made the choice—well . . . or it would have been made for me—to go to Alldredge Academy, a wilderness therapy school for troubled teens.

Was I troubled? Aren’t we all in some way? I didn’t have anything crazy on my record. I had gotten out of a couple dozen speeding tickets, had earrings up and down my ears, and dated many of the wrong kind of boys—so I was a fairly typical seventeen-year-old girl. But what many people didn’t know was I had been through the divorce of my parents the summer before fourth grade and it had left a very deep hole in my heart.

For years I had battled eating disorders. I had so many friends, but many days I felt alone. I was a cheerleader, and could run a mean 400 meters in track, but when I went home I struggled with depression. In my later teenage years I avoided my family and had a hard time building healthy relationships with them. 

I remember stepping foot on that wilderness school feeling very out of my element. There wasn’t a shower within 30 miles. No makeup or shopping malls. Just wilderness.

I was one of the oldest "troubled teens" there, and what I would soon come to learn was my struggles were peanuts compared to what those young kids had seen.

The first week I thought I might die. We were not allowed to talk to each other. I was left alone with my thoughts—the one thing I had spent a lifetime trying to avoid. I didn’t know myself at all. I had become so wrapped up in my sports and friends I hadn’t even had a conversation with myself in years.

Tears rolled down my face every night as I stared out my tent— made out of a tarp—into the dark sky. I felt so insignificant compared to its majesty and never ending existence.

I spent two months at that school—looking back those were the two months that would come to prepare me for the truly hard things my life would bring.

If you would have asked me that first day when I stepped off that plane—to a couple of body guard bouncers that escorted me to a troubled teen wilderness school—if it would have made a difference in my life I would have laughed in your face and said, “Hell no, I am just doing this to humor my over protective parents who think I am a hot mess.”

Little did I know that those two months would save my life.

So what did I learn during my time living in the wilderness? I learned about life. Some of the lessons were taught by the therapist, and others just in my mind and heart. I could write many books of the experiences and lessons I embraced in those sixty days—and maybe someday I will—but tonight these are the three things I want to share:

1.     1. We all have a shadow.    

      

      A dark cloud of what we think others think we are. Beliefs we have carried around living as truths. And to overcome this shadow first we have to acknowledge what lies it has told us were truths . . . and let them free. We can’t stop living the lies until we let them go. (Remind me to tell you the coolest story about an amazing experience I had when I was letting go of my shadow up a dark cave in a West Virginia River)

2. How to live virtuously

We have to live virtuously to live our full potential happiness. When we aren’t living according to the order of virtue, we cannot feel complete or content in our daily lives. Finding strength in living a virtuous life we can and will be able to better recognize positive things in others and in ourselves. Each virtue builds upon another. Without hope we cannot find faith. Without faith we cannot love. And without love there is no grace. So to fully live a life full of grace we must live the order of a virtuous being. A life of honesty, fidelity, integrity, nobility, and divine power. 

3. How to receive personal revelation

Until my days in the wilderness I never knew I could truly talk to God. I said my prayers, and tried my best to listen to the spirit, but it was in these quiet moments—when no one else was there to tell me how to think—that I learned how to listen to His voice. 

I had always based my thoughts and decisions on what others thought—advice helped me find my way. During those two months I realized the power I had inside of me. I turned to God instead of man for how I should view myself. I asked for Him to give me strength when I felt alone, instead of seeking someone to come and feel that void. And when I asked—He answered.

I learned that when we are unplugged from all the things we think give us happiness and answers—that is when we truly find the source of our strength.

The internet, friends, family members—they all seem to have the advice we need. Many have traveled similar roads, so we cling to the choices they made—hoping that if we follow their course it will lead us down a similar road.  Or we avoid all the pitfalls we saw them climb out of, to avoid pain. Only we don’t realize it is that pain that led them to their greatest joy.

We search for answers in others perfect Facebook version of life, wishing we could be a fraction of the happiness they pretend to be. But what we fail to see is the struggles they have when the cameras are put away. We come to believe if we just follow the step by step advice on our favorite blog, then we will find that road to eternal joy. We are constantly seeking answers, but always wishing we felt like we found them.

So we do what are told. We follow the advice, try to live a similar story . . . but then the end comes and our life still feels void of something. That feeling of incompleteness is the gap that others advice—and online “experts”—are taking that should be filled with truths from our Creator.

Some answers will never be found online. The answers that really make the most impact in our lives will come from God.

He isn’t as distant as this planet makes Him seem. If you are struggling for the right advise you have not found any where in this world, it may be because the answer doesn’t exist here.

Pray. Ask. He will send answers.

(pictures by Susan Thomas)

I have used this gift of personal revelation in my life. It is what has given me strength to stand when the world had told me to give up. It is what carried me when I felt so insignificant and small over and over again.

This life truly is a test—not on who can make the most noise, take the best selfies, or have the most followers—it is a test to see who can remember the power they were born to live.

You are great. You are powerful, and smart, and capable, and loveable. So if you haven’t heard that today—or ever—today is the day you ask God what He thinks. I promise you, even if no one else does . . . He knows everything. The dark days, the lonely hours, and everything in between.

Life is like that cold dark wilderness in West Virginia I called home for two months—and as I hiked its quiet hills I learned to fight for the strength to stand.

      

 Fifteen years ago my mom sang this song at my graduation from wilderness therapy. It was a very emotional day for all the people in my group and their parents. In some ways it felt like the first day of a new life. 

This last weekend, she sang it again for another graduation so I asked my sister to record it for me. 

Parents, Please don’t give up. Your children are going to strike out—often and hard. Keep praying for them that they can find the personal revelation to understand their worth from the one source who can help them see their value. So they can hear God speak to their hearts. It may take many years, but He hasn’t given up on them . . . so don’t you.

Thank you Mom for being a rock. You always lived your life close to God and showed me how every single day. You could have given up on me many times, but never ever did. Instead you taught me what being a parent is all about. Love.