My cute hubby was interviewed on a dad podcast last week. Go check it out! He shares his journey of being a bachelor for 20 years...to now raising soon to be six kids.
I have received some amazing stories in the past few months. This one seemed fitting for a new year and all of us who are striving to be better for ourselves and God. This woman is a rock and I am so grateful for her vulnerability and rawness as she opens her heart about abuse and neglect and the impact her lost dreams have had in her life. Hold your dear ones a little tighter tonight, and don't forget the dreams that will make the most impact. Life isn't about how much stuff we can collect, or awards we receive. It is about family and taking the time to love.
Ashlee
Didn't deserve to dream
by Debbie Fox
I always thought someday I would get what I deserved—I dreamed
of a family that loved me, and a life surrounded with love. But that isn’t
always how life goes, and each new obstacle I had to face made me question if I
even deserved to dream.
I was born to two alcoholics—6 generations of known pedophiles, who
struggled with addictions and domestic violence. So right from the start I was
destined to fail. Under doctor’s orders my mom had to leave California to give
birth to me in Montana—without my dad—so my grandmother could help her instead.
But not long after I was born, my mom decided to go back. When
she arrived, she found the—carefully set up—nursery full of beer cans. He also
had gotten a DUI while she was gone, but she didn’t decide to leave him for
good until I was 6 months old. My father has been in and out of my life since—I
last heard from him in 2006, so I have no idea if he is dead or alive.
My mom was an alcoholic and had dissociative disorder so when I
was younger I would be having a normal conversation with her and then she would
start talking like she was a three year old, a seven year old, or an eleven
year old. I grew up never knowing what to expect. Every night she drank, even
though she was told she was killing so many brain cells—the addiction was just
too strong. As a result I was often neglected and when I was 10, she often left
me alone at home.
At one point, my mom’s best friend and her boy friend moved into
our apartment. The boy friend molested me every night for a year until he moved
out. Unfortunately, I had no one to protect me. My mom was crazy, my dad was
out of the picture (I can count on one hand the times I have seen him and on
both hands the amount of times I have talked to him on the phone).
I tried to hold it all together, but it took me quite awhile to
forgive my dad. I was angry that my protector wasn't there to stop these
heinous actions. I was angry that I wasn't enough to be loved or for him to
stay. He would even tell me at a young age it was all my fault—if I had never
been born none of this would have happen. I felt depressed and anxious and as a
result even as an adult I deal with depression, anxiety and PTSD.
When my mom finally went to treatment for her alcoholism they
discovered that she was bipolar. It wasn't managed well as this was the late
80's/early 90's. She had major psychosis once and went after me with a huge
butcher knife convinced I was an intruder and not her own daughter. She also
hallucinated and thought munchkins were stealing our car. None of this was out
of the ordinary in our household. I lived in constant fear that she would harm
me unintentionally. I slept with my door locked and did my best to be away from
home.
On June 27, 1999 my grandma found my mom dead. I had a friend
rush me home from work and the police asked me to identify her body. They
didn't tell me she wasn't covered with a sheet. So, as a young 23 year old, I
saw my mom's dead body face up with her mouth open. It traumatized me and gave
me panic attacks for a very long time. I had to mourn losing the mother I had,
but even more I had to let go of the dream and lose hope that I would ever have
the mom I deserved.
So I dated the wrong kind of man whose approval I so desperately
sought—I think a lot of that was because of my dad. My boyfriend too came from
a line of abuse. One night he strangled and almost killed me . . . but I say he
killed my spirit far before he almost killed me physically.
During all of these years I have faced a lot of health issues
that have been literally debilitating. I think that I am the type that holds
things in rather than lets it out, but there is something beautiful that
happens when you find your voice.
Through all of these intense trials I have turned to my Savior,
and He has heard me. I know He has felt everything I ever have felt. I have no
family members anymore— except an uncle I adore in Minnesota and his amazing
family—but my Savior knows what that feels like too. He knows what it is like
to hurt physically. He knows what it is like to feel abandoned and He is aware
of all of our challenges and lost dreams.
In the end, I have learned so much from my earthly parents—though
they aren’t the ones I thought I deserved—and from their abuse. I have learned
what it means to cleave to the Lord when you have no one else who is there for
you. Sometimes I hang on to Him like I would a lifesaver thrown to me in raging
rapids.
I have learned the power of forgiveness. I have learned that shame
and guilt are corrosive. If guilt moves us to make things right it serves a
purpose, but if we've done all we can to make things right and we still feel
guilty . . . it is not over. I have taken my experiences and used them for
good.
Through what can only be described as a miracle, I was able to
go to the UN in New York City and talk to ambassadors about the importance of
families because I know what it's like not to have a strong one. I was able to
be more persuasive because I know that families really are the frame work and
the thread that holds our society together.
I have learned that I could choose to believe people are
fundamentally evil—because of all of the sexual, verbal, emotional and physical
abuse in my childhood—or I could choose to believe they were the exception and
most people are good and loving. I choose the latter. I choose to pray for
charity to love my imperfect family, and I do.
At times I have had to deal with the pain of people leaving my
life and this poem came at a perfect time and for a perfect reminder for me.
The Lord truly knows what He is doing. I love how it says these people aren't
tied to your destiny. I know when I trust the Lord—despite the challenges— that
is when miracles happen. Sometimes it means letting go of abusive, toxic and/or
emotionally unhealthy people in your life, and realizing that those traumatic
experiences are not your destiny.
"Let It Go" by TD Jakes
There are people who
can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk
away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to
try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you,
caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up
the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is
never tied to anybody that left.
The Bible said that,
they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us.
For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John
2:19]
People leave you
because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you
can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean
that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you
don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know
when it's dead.
You've got to know
when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's
the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful,
it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give
it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people
to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on
to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to . .
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on
to past hurts and pains...
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat
you right, love you back, and see your worth...
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered
you...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on
to some thoughts of evil and revenge...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in
a wrong relationship or addiction...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on
to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad
attitude...
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging
others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the
past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling
with the healing of a broken relationship...
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to
help someone who won't even try to help themselves...
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling
depressed and stressed...
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a
particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is
saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to...
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the
past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for this year!!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left.
think about it, and then...
LET IT GO!!!
Your destiny is what you make it, but
as long as you include God, you will never be alone. Hold on to that truth.
Grace is the gift that helps us thrive and the strength that will help us
stand.
To read more about Debbie and her journey visit her blog at:
The sun has gone down. My house is silent—besides the sound
of the air conditioning turning on and off, and the thoughts in my mind.
It was a beautiful summer Sunday. We celebrated a lot of
fathers today—my own father, Shawn’s dad, Emmett’s dad, my brother-in-law Will,
my brother Josh, and Shawn. A room full of dads—fathers worth celebrating. The
day was close to perfect for me.
Tonight as I ponder over the word father, my heart is full
reflecting on all the men in my life I have watched live that title. Some have
lived it with class and grace; others have had many moments of failures. Some
have chosen a different course for a while, and others have willingly stepped
up to a plate that wasn’t always theirs to begin with.
There are all different types of fathers. Some only
participate in creating a life. Some fathers only stick around until things get
hard; some are there through the ups and the downs. Some fathers work so much
they hardly see their children; others just wish they could find a job to provide
for their family. Some have money where love is lacking; other fathers have
time where money runs short. Some give parenthood everything they have; others
only give when there is something left. Some fathers think only of their
children; others only of themselves. Some fathers know how to love; some have
forgotten along the way. Some fathers are forced into parenthood; and others
choose it willingly.
So what makes a father? Is it just a one-time event—or is it
a life long journey? Can just anyone be a father, a “sperm donor”, or a check
writer . . . or is being a dad a daily choice these men have to make?
I don’t know the answers for anyone individually, but I know
as a mother I have so many dreams for my children.
I used to dream of perfection—to start a family with a man
who would be everything our creations deserved—loyal, caring, kind, happy,
playful, loving, honoring, and virtuous. I used to have a plan for my
children’s happiness—a perfect life that would always bring them smiles.
Only today—as I look back—I can see the very moment where my
plan failed me, and tried to break my family. And today—as I look back—I can
see the very moment where a different plan began.
My children have two dads. One who gave them life—who lost
his way and never made it back to us to finish the job he had started. And one
who has given them a reason to live—who will finish the job that was left
undone.
I didn’t know, when I brought these babies into the world,
that I wouldn’t be able to protect them from pain—but I also wasn’t aware that
their Heavenly Father was going to watch over them at all costs.
Maybe that is the gift the real dads of the world have been
given—the gift to protect. The gift to cherish what they have been given—and
the gift to see the blessings that are right in front of their eyes.
Fatherhood is not a right—it is a privilege. Parenthood is a
God given blessing given to us from Him, in an effort for us to strive to be
like Him. To protect these children of ours, and to cherish them.
If the father you were given has forgotten the beautiful
gift that you are . . . never forget you have a Heavenly Father who remembers.
He is proud that you are His creation. He doesn’t just smile at the unique
person you are—He cherishes the fact that you are His.
To all the fathers who wonder why you work so hard, please
know we see you . . . we honor you—and we love you.
It is a job that never ends. Every day your willingness to
fight for it will be challenged in different ways. Every day your struggles
will try to get you to doubt your worthiness of this blessing of fatherhood.
Fathers . . . don’t stop fighting. We need you. We want
you—not to write checks or babysit so we can have a break—we need you to put on
your armor and step up to the plate. Be the father your family deserves. Show
them that you cherish their mother. I can promise you it will change the way
they see themselves—and the way they choose their spouse. Treat their mother
the way you would want your daughter to be treated, because the only example
she will have someday is what she saw you do.
Little boys want to be their dad someday, and little girls
want to marry a man just like him.
So dads . . . no pressure, but it is time to live life for
real. If today was your very last day—who is it you are going to be?
I thought for so long my mission was to help people avoid
all the bad things of the world so their spouse never found themselves sitting
on a couch with detectives hearing about a secret life and two shots of a gun.
But I am starting to realize there is more to life than avoiding deadly sins.
Living life isn’t just avoiding bad choices, death and heartache. Living life is about being
present—protecting the ones we love, but also being there for them.
At the end of it all what are they going to remember?
As a daughter and a wife I beg each father to clear your
view and see. Feel. Love. Those children, and that sweetheart need . . . YOU.
They want the real you, the one who laughs, the one who holds them close, and
the one who doesn’t just give them life . . . but gives them a reason to live.
Fathers, your job is important. You are the one these
children are looking to—to know they are enough. Thank you for all the good you
bring to this world—for all the moments you choose to stand.
I am Ashlee. I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a survivor of murder. I am a survivor of infidelity. Life has tried to pull me down but I choose to stand.
Garden
-
The little two and I worked in the garden today before Kaleeya had to go to
school. We planted all sorts of fruits and vegetables. We got laughing at
Tytus...
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