Death and Taxes

I remember exactly where I was in Sixth Grade when, for the first time, I heard the saying, “Death and taxes.” I was sitting in my mom’s bedroom trying to explain to her why I wanted ‘out’ of something I was supposed to do. She was reminding me that although she was very aware of the fact that I didn’t have to do anything . . . some things are inevitable. She taught me the concept that—in spite of our desires to the contrary—every citizen of the United States will have to pay taxes . . . and each of us will one day die. Paying taxes was a concept that was very far away for me, and at that time in my life . . . death was just a word. Neither of those things seemed like something I would ever have to worry about. I didn’t realize the truthfulness of her lesson, but I loved the power that came from her words. There weren’t many things in life I had to do. It was kind of exciting thinking of life that way . . .  feeling the power of my own strength.

Before Emmett’s death, our family had already come to feel the pain of death . . . but taxes had not been something I had put much energy into. They were always taken care of for me. Emmett handled most of the business side of our family obligations. I really had no idea of what I had to do in that area.

After Emmett died and springtime came . . . I found myself facing tax season on my own. At first, I was overwhelmed, but luckily Emmett had been very organized and our accountant already had everything he needed to file my taxes for me. We had been in contact many times, and I hadn’t had to think a lot about it. It was a miracle. I was relieved that this part of my journey alone seemed to be fairly simple.

One day my phone rang. It was our accountant. “Hey Ashlee,” he said, “this is Rick Sager. I . . . um . . . so since Kandi was an employee of Emmett’s, technically, now that Emmett is gone . . . she is in there . . . as one of your employees. In 2010, she worked for you guys. So, I have tried with all my might to contact someone who can change this . . . but . . . but . . . uh, I can’t get you out of it . . . and I know you already have so much on your plate . . . but legally . . .  man, I feel like I’m pouring salt into your wounds . . . but I’m going to need you to write a big check for her employee taxes for 2010. That’s the only thing left for us to do. Emmett had given me everything else that an employer does for an employee, but he hadn’t yet written that check. I am so sorry. I have tried everything to avoid this call . . . but I don’t think there is any way around it. Legally as her employer . . . her employee taxes have to be paid by you. I will need a check within the week to pay Kandi’s employee taxes. And unfortunately, you will have to do it again next year for this year’s taxes as well.”

I felt like a trapped baby deer surrounded by hunters. I didn’t even know what to begin to say. I tried to wrap my mind around the fact that I had all this anger towards this woman . . . and now I had to pay her taxes as well! I felt sick to my stomach. Hadn’t I already given up enough for her? Weren’t the sacrifices I had already made for her sufficient for all eternity? Couldn’t she just pay her own taxes? There had to be an easier way out of this one. Someone had to listen to my story and feel my pain . . . and find a solution for me. There was no way I could do this . . . and I shouldn’t have to.

I stewed about it for days. I was pissed off! I didn’t deserve this. I had already given up enough for Kandi. I made up my mind that I would not being paying those taxes . . . even if the IRS themselves came to my door. It was not going to happen! I did some online research. I called some of Emmett’s attorney friends. I even contacted the IRS myself, but the more I sought for a way out . . . the more I tried to find a loophole . . . the more I realized there was no way around it. I would have to pay those taxes. I would have to write that check.

Heavenly Father couldn’t bail me out of this one. There are only two things in this world we cannot get out of . . . death . . . and taxes. I had known that for years. However, I never realized how true it was until I was forced to pay the taxes for a woman . . . a woman who was sleeping with my husband! A woman whose husband had shot and killed mine. In my mind, she was the reason I was a widow. She was the one who had put herself between two men . . . forcing their confrontation. She was the reason I was in this situation, and now . . . they were asking me to take money . . . money I needed to support my children . . . to sacrifice for HER? I was angry. I felt sorry for myself. I felt like everything that had already been unjust and unfair . . . had reached the very pinnacle of total absurdity. It was inhumane! It wasn’t about the amount of money, but it was about the principle. I shouldn’t have to suffer or sacrifice anything more for HER!

I didn’t sleep well for a few nights. I huffed and puffed and tried with all of my heart to figure my way out the mess. One night, after I had tucked my kids into bed, I went to the computer to do more research to find my “easy out clause.” As I sat in my chair, a paper fell out of the basket right above my head. I picked it up. It was a sheet of quotes my sister had given me. She had received it from an Institute class on a night when I was struggling because Emmett had left on a trip before his death. The quotes were all about forgiveness . . . a long list of quotes.

“And blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God.” (King James Bible: Matthew 5:9).

“Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.” (King James Bible: Matthew 5:38-42).

“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.”

“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” (King James Bible: Colossians 3:13).

 “But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (King James Bible: Matthew 6:15).

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;” (King James Bible: Matthew. 5:44).

“But I say unto you, that ye shall not resist evil, but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also;” (Book of Mormon: 3 Nephi 12:39).

It felt so simple . . . so certain. It was as if God had come and grabbed my bullheaded little face and said, “Ash . . . AGAIN . . . this is not about . . . YOU. I have asked you to walk in faith. I have seen that you have been wronged. I can see that you are hurting. I am so sorry . . . but I need you to not only have faith in me, I need you to turn the other cheek.” I knew what I had to do.

I opened up the cupboard and grabbed my checkbook. I got a pen from the drawer. I opened up to a clean, blank check, and I began to write. Writing that check . . . in that moment . . . felt like I was being asked to give up my firstborn child. My heart pounded with every movement of my pen. I was angry at her for all she had done to my family. I was angry that she was the one he had chosen that horrible night. I hated that I HAD to write that check . . . but I knew I could do it. Something stronger than me had given me the ability to do it. I signed that check, with regret, but I also signed it with faith.

He wasn’t asking me to pay those taxes for anyone but Him. I wrote that check, not for Rick . . . not for Kandi . . . not for the IRS . . . and not even for myself. I wrote that check for God. I wrote each number one by one . . . because HE asked me to. Heavenly Father knew how hard it was going to be for me to write it. He watched me. He felt my pain that day. He saw the money leave my hand . . . to go to pay for HER. He knew it wouldn’t be easy. He never promised that it would be, but it was a sacrifice I could make . . . because I loved HIM.

I didn’t deserve to have to sacrifice for her, but I did it anyway. I did it for Christ. Our Savior didn’t deserve to sacrifice for me, but He did it because our Father had asked him to . . . and He loved His Son . . . and He loves me. None of us are exempt from the pain of this world. There will not always be an easy way out. But through Christ, the pain can feel less excruciating. His love can show us the path that will lead us back to Him. He knew I needed Him to help me find the faith I needed, before that sacrifice could truly be for Him.

We will all make sacrifices. We will all be asked to give something up in a moment when we feel abused and used. We won’t know until we are there—in that moment—what those hard things will be. It might come when we feel prepared . . . but, it will probably come when we least expect it. We don’t have to do it alone. We might as well do it for Him, because if don’t, it will all be in vain. It will all be for nothing if we are not doing it with Him on our team. I could have written that check the first time I was asked. I could have done it because of my faith in the law . . . but that faith didn’t give me the strength to do it. I needed more than just the will to do what was legally right. I needed the comfort to know that my sacrifice was more than just for her.

We will have responsibilities that are so hard . .  but we can do them. And when we do them for Christ, they will be sacrifices He will never forget. No sacrifice, big or small will go unnoticed. Christ is the author and finisher of our faith. In all that we do, we must do it for Him. And when we do, He will give us the strength to keep going during the difficult moments of our lives. We will find that our faith is stronger because it has been refined.

Even in our daily challenges—changing a diaper, making a bed, cleaning hair left in the drain by our roommates, driving to a job we don’t like, making our meals, waving at the neighbor who never waves back—we must devote ourselves to doing all things for Him. Pray that even when it feels too hard to get out of bed . . . you will have the strength and courage to get up for Him, because on some days . . . He will be the only one who cares if you do.

I wanted so badly to be the exception that day. I searched for someone to get me out of it. It WASN’T fair. I had suffered enough. I wanted to run away from all the pain I had suffered, but instead . . . I was asked to turn the other cheek.

“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” (Doctrine and Covenants 64:10).

All men! In that bold declaration made by our Father to us all . . . there was no “with the exception of” or an “unless of course!” His plea for us to forgive wasn’t written with an: “except for you Ashlee. You are the exception.” He asked us to forgive ALL men . . . every time. Even the ones who might have wronged us and who have never asked for our forgiveness. Even when it feels like they don’t care or see our pain. Even the ones who have left a hole in our lives with a single blow. … All men.

Writing that check that day was another big steppingstone for me. It was a moment when I felt like I should have been bailed out . . . but instead of giving me a “get out of jail free” card that day, God sent His words to remind me of why I was being asked to sacrifice for Him. He reminded me that I was not forgotten . . . that He knew I would have to do hard things . . . but that I could be strong enough to let it go, and blindly obey in faith. I don’t know if I will ever SEE any good from writing that check, but I have felt the power that came from obeying my Father in Heaven.

There are some things in life we cannot control . . . death and taxes . . . but we still hold power over the rest. We have the power to choose who we want to be. Don’t let your fears keep you from living the life you have always dreamed you would have. Don’t let your fear of being taxed hold you back from all the moments where signing the check helps you realize that you have faith in more than yourself. Don’t let your fear of dying . . . keep you from living. If we fear the things we cannot control, they will control us. Let them go.

In those moments when the universe seems to be giving you the last drop you can hold in your vessel . . . turn to Him. The sacrifices you make are hard, they are overwhelming, they are annoying . . . and sometimes, they cause unbearable pain. You don’t have to make them alone. Turn to Him. Lean on Him when you feel you can’t take one more thing . . . on your own. He will not leave you. I promise you He is there. Let the light of Christ cross your “t”s and dot your “i”s when the taxes of life are thrown in your face . . . and when you sign your signature on the bottom of all the big checks, His name will be right there too. It will still be hard . . . but YOU will never be alone as you make those sacrifices.

Choose to be TRUE

Emmett and I were married on March 6, 2004 in the Mount Timpanogos Utah temple. It was a perfect day. Everything was just as we had planned it. The temple ceremony was beautiful. The man who sealed us gave us amazing counsel. The lighting was perfect for pictures. It was a little cold and overcast, but there wasn’t a shadow to be seen. I couldn’t have been happier. It was surreal standing outside the temple holding hands . . . as husband and wife.

 Afterwards, we had a luncheon at my mother’s house for our family and close friends. We had a blast running around the house with all the kids. We were too excited to eat. I remember going into my bedroom one last time and thinking . . . “This is the beginning of my new life.” I stared at all the pictures on the walls. I glanced down at my wedding ring. I thought of all the days I had spent in this room . . . dreaming about this day. I had planned it all out in my mind . . . and here I was, living it. I had found the man who loved me enough to want to share his life with me. It was everything I had pictured. Everyone was downstairs. All of my family. All of his. All of the people who believed in us as a couple and were excited to share this day with us.

Later, we held a reception at the old church featured in the movie Footloose. It had been transformed into a reception center, and it was amazing. I loved everything about it. The reception room was exactly as I had always pictured it. We got there early to take photos. Of course . . . I had mapped out every picture, and had a schedule drawn up for everyone who was to be in each photo. Making my list into a reality was no small task! Emmett was very patient with my craziness. For hours, he smiled through every pose I put him through.

Soon, the guests began to arrive. We had planned on dancing, toasting, and then cutting the cake, but the guests just kept coming. The reception was supposed to over at around eight o’clock, but the line just kept streaming in. For four hours, a steady stream of people came to show their love and support. We felt like a truly beloved couple. I think between the two of us, each having two sets of parents, and then having moved so many times in our lives, we felt like we and our parents must have known half the world! I loved every minute of it. It was like a little piece of Heaven seeing old faces, meeting new ones . . . and sharing this special event with the ones who had always been a part of our lives.

It was a perfect night. We finally left the reception center. We hadn’t eaten, and we had been on our feet all day. We didn’t care. We were like giddy little kids as we laughed in the car all the way to the hotel. After we had checked in, we got into the elevator and were joined by another couple. They told us they had just been married that day, as well. They teased me for still being in my wedding dress . . . well pretty much every person we passed on the way into the hotel teased me about that.  I don’t know what I was thinking! I guess I wasn’t. All I cared about was the man holding my hand as I got out of the car.

That day, Emmett and I had made many commitments. We had made covenants with each other and with our Heavenly Father to stand true to those commitments. We spent hours that next week on our honeymoon along the Oregon Coast reflecting on the promises we had made. We talked about our fears . . . and shared our deepest secrets. We cherished every moment we had together. We planned out our future and all that we wanted for our family. We both wanted a lot of kids . . . we knew that for sure. I came from a huge family and loved everything about it. Emmett was an only child . . . and he didn’t want that same thing for our family. We were on the same wavelength when it came to all of our hopes and dreams. It was easy to love him. I loved being his wife. I couldn’t wait to be the mother of his children.

I remember always glancing at his wedding ring and thinking . . . “Wow . . . this guy loves me enough . . . to wear a ring everywhere he goes just to make sure everyone knows he is taken.” I loved the feeling that we were only for each other. I loved the safety I saw in that ring on his hand. It was more than just a wedding ring to me, it was a symbol of all the commitments and promises we had made to each other that day . . . and he wore it proudly.

The night he died . . . long after the detectives were gone, I remember sitting and staring at that same ring. It sat up on its pedestal on top of our dresser. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It had lost its luster. It didn’t shine like it had that day I first put it on his finger. It looked dull. It felt empty . . . it felt as if I was staring into the face of darkness. I hated that ring for being at my house that night. That ring, which had once symbolized such beauty and love . . . now just stood there shouting at me . . . “Guess you weren’t enough! Guess all those fears you always had about yourself are all true. Guess you weren’t worth it, Ashlee. If you had been, I wouldn’t be here right now . . . I would be on his left ring finger!” But if it had been on his finger, it would have been in a dark body bag.

Emmett taking off his wedding ring was not the first step that got us to where we were. In the beginning, it was just little things. I don’t know where it all began for sure, but I really think it started out innocently enough. Then that innocence turned into comfort . . . and comfort turned into justification. Then there was texting. The texting led to lunch dates . . . which led to late nights . . . and eventually, that ring was no longer a reminder of the love he had for me and the promises we had made to each other. For Emmett, it became I reminder of all that he should have been cherishing. He didn’t take off his ring because he wanted to start an affair . . . he took off that ring because he was too far into the garbage consuming him . . . that he was ashamed to carry a constant reminder of it on his finger. And for me, I hadn’t just wanted  him to wear his wedding ring day and night, I had wanted him to come home to me every night . . . I had wanted him to be there for me every day.

Infidelity starts somewhere . . . flirty little smiles. Personal text messages. Quick hellos via e-mail. It can happen in a matter of seconds. You let your guard down or show a moment’s weakness . . .  and Satan excitedly jumps in to coax you into feeling comfortable with doing just a little bit more. He delights as you walk the line and then stumble and decide it wouldn’t hurt to do it just this once. He nudges you a little more . . . and a little more.

You cannot allow it to begin. Find the strength to say no. Challenge yourself to put on your armor every day as you kiss your loved one goodbye. It is easy to be weak . . . but it will not bring you joy. Somewhere down the road, the easy road will end, and the joy you once hoped for . . . will just be a distant memory. Every secret has the power to destroy . . . even if it is just a “little” secret.

Around every corner lies deception. It is real. It is looking for you. Darkness is just a click away . . . a send button, an inappropriate conversation. It waits for you to question your commitments . . . question your decisions.

You can be stronger than the world. Satan wants you to believe that everyone is doing it. Just this once won’t hurt. Enjoy it. It feels good. Those lies may feel true for that split second . . . but before that second has the power to destroy you, think about all the moments you will be leaving behind. The moment you knelt at an altar, hand-in-hand, and made promises to each other. The moment you held your newborn baby in your arms next to the person you loved the most in the entire world. Moments when you look across a messy room full of dirty diapers and an overflowing sink . . . across the kids’ toys and the bills that pile up around you . . .  over to that person you loved enough to commit to . . . and you realize that you are exactly where you always wanted to be. Those are the moments you risk losing. When you see that person you love, you know without a doubt—even though your spouse drives you insane at times—that he or she is the person for whom you will put on your armor every single day as you leave your home. That is the smile you are going to come home to every night, and you will keep shining that ring . . .even when the world tells you to just take it off. You are going to put that person first . . . because you promised God that you would.

You have the power . . . you have the control. The promises you make to your spouse are not just words. They are covenants with your Heavenly Father. You promise Him that you will cherish and protect His child. There will be temptations everywhere you walk. There will be beautiful things everywhere you look. Find a way to look away . . . and look to the ones who love you back. True love isn’t found in fleeting lustful desires. True love is enduring. It is a dream that each one deserves to come true. When we came to this earth, we knew we would be tested. That moment when you made a commitment to another individual, you never believed your devotion would be tested. But it will. There will always be tests. There will always be trials . . . in all aspects of our life, and our faithfulness to each other is no exception.

Choose the higher road. Choose the road that leads you back to the promises you have made. In all relationships in our lives, there will be times when we question why we are there. There will be days when we just want to run away . . . and maybe even take off the symbols that bind us together. Don’t take the easy way out! Remember the times when all you could think about was being together. Remember the little things that caused you to fall in love, and fall in love with those things again . . . and stop focusing on the things that drive you away. Challenge yourself a little more. Be a little more loyal in all you do and say. If something is important to your spouse . . . do it. If something you do is hurting him or her . . . stop it. Put your spouse first. Think a little less about yourself. Hold true to the armor that protects you from everything the world will throw at you. Put your family first. If the luster on that ring has become dull . . . ask Heaven’s Angels to bring the polish you need to make it shine again. You have the power to choose . . . choose to be true.