I found Him when I lost it all

Guest post by Robin Murphy:

I met my husband, and the father to my five kids in 1996. It was love at first sight (for me at least). We had our first child in 1997, and our last in 2005. In the beginning I was told of a lady he had been with and helped her with her child. That was the extent of it, they were over, and he had moved on . . . with me. 

In December of 2004 my husband Shawn was diagnosed with stage four-lung cancer at the age of 28. I was pregnant with our 5th child Asiah. Things got bad really quick. Shawn passed away September of 2005—just nine months after his diagnosis. I was left to raise five children on my own. With no work experience, I went out to find any job to be able to support my children and myself—and to pay the bills and pay the rent. Soon, we started receiving SSI/Death benefits. That made things a little bit easier on me, but I was fading quickly with what would become the beginning of a long battle with addiction to prescription pain pills. They did the job of numbing the hurt and the pain of loosing my best friend, husband, and father to my five children.

Two months of receiving benefits went by, and one day I received a phone call from the Social Security office. I was informed that I was going to have to pay back $4,000 of the money I received for my children and myself!

Upon my questioning, the polite lady on the other end of the phone shed light on my new reality. She informed me that I was not the wife of the deceased, and our marriage wasn't legal due to the fact he was already married to another woman. And on top of that . . . they had three children. I told her there had to be some type of mix up, because my husband separated from this woman years ago.

I was wrong. He was married and they had never divorced. In fact, he even used a different middle name on both marriage licenses, but his legal name was on the first one.

I was shocked, and had no words. The Social Security office and I worked out the details of getting the children the money that they needed, but I couldn't deal with the pain—I continued to numb it with pain pills for the next eleven years of my life. The exact amount of years I was pretend married to my pretend husband.

I lost a lot during this time. Much of it worthless material stuff . . . but the hardest part was losing a relationship with four of my children.

In 2014, I decided enough was enough—I got the help I so desperately needed. April 9th, 2014 is my clean date—and still is to this day.

Since that moment I have given my life over to Christ Jesus. I received my High School Diploma, entered college, and work as a manager for a fortune 500 company. God is Amazing!! To put the cherry on top of the BEST Sunday ever . . . I will be a grandma in three weeks to a beautiful baby boy, Michael!!

I still don't get to see four of my kids, but I know on God's time I will. So I focus on my awesome relationship with my first born—my amazingly beautiful girl, who is making me the happiest grannyma in the world!!

But the best thing about all of this is that my grandson will NEVER have to see me high, because I chose to change. I get to be the grandma he deserves.

My name is Robin Murphy. The road I have traveled has been broken and full of lies, but I will stand. I will stand for soberness and love for myself and for all others who cross my path. All Glory be to Christ Jesus for his Beautiful Grace & Mercy that He gives us all . . . even me.

(I love this picture that my sweet friend Julie Jensen drew for me last year after my first A Reason to Stand conference) Ashlee

Related posts: Silence Breaks