What does betrayal feel like?
What does betrayal feel like? Let's talk about betrayal trauma for a minute, since none of us like to. Have you gone through betrayal? Do you find yourself stuck in those emotions and fears? Has it made you feel alone?
Well I just want you to know you are not. And this was not your fault or even about you. It was about them. Time to give yourself permission to move forward and start loving yourself and trusting again.
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I can’t believe nobody has commented on this post! I have followed your story for years and came across this blog tonight after diving into my own trauma and searching online about other’s experiences with betrayal and how they healed.
Betrayal trauma feels like a shattering of reality, and at first it felt like I had somehow been transported to a twighlight zone- like some kind of alternate reality. And my brain kept trying to “wake up” from it- and I found myself remembering all over again in the morning after sleep, like every morning I felt like I had to re-learn, re-live, and re-transport back into the nightmare. I guess this was shock- my brain didn’t quite know how to simulate the new information. It took a while until the new reality sunk in and felt like it was my real life that wasn’t going away. Then the next step for me was severe depression, as I struggled with accepting that, yes, this was in fact reality. This was never going to not be the truth. This was really hard to get out of, but thankfully I had my son who is my angel and gave me strength to pick myself up every day and be the best I could be. After a while, anger came around. Anger at the person, anger at myself, anger at other people for not acting in ways I had hoped they would, but the most anger I had was at HF. I still struggle with that. I left the church over it. I’m still not sure how to let it go, and that makes me angry at myself all over again as I think to myself, “if you were a better person, you would not have left the church. If you were stronger, had more faith, more spiritually developed, etc. etc.” and then the depression shows her head again. It’s a hard process.
What I can say is that over time, the sting has faded for me. The only time I feel it really strong again is in my nightmares. I have fought hard to build up a new life for my son and I and at first it felt like climbing uphill with buckets of water on my back and rocks tied around my ankles, but somehow over time it has gotten less strenuous and at times it even feels like sledding downhill :) I don’t know how I could have done it without my child as my motivator. At times I really wanted to “give up,” whatever that means. But every day his existence bid me on to be my best every moment and I really came through.
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