A few hard days . . . and then faith in the plan

There was a time when I thought I had this life thing all figured out. I followed the list—the one I thought I had to obey in order to receive everything I wanted . . . in the order and way I wanted it. 

And life kind of played out according to that plan . . . until it didn’t. I thought I had seen it all living through betrayal trauma and a murder on the same day. I thought I had been through all my hard battles. I thought life was going to go smoothly from there on out . . . until it didn’t. 

I did everything in my power from “losing” again. And then one day Heavenly Father told me I needed to be done fighting. How? After seven years of promising I would have stood by Emmett’s side and fought for our marriage—through anything—I was standing in a similar place and getting a different answer.  It was like Heavenly Father was saying, “I know you always said you would have stayed . . . but now I need you to have faith and show me that you trust me—I need you to leave.”

For seven years I had judged those who still had a husband living and walked away. To be honest, parts of me had come to believe that divorce was the coward’s way out. I truly thought—in the back of my mind—that they were just giving up. I prayed many times for answers to why these women had a chance to make things right with their husbands, and mine was taken away. Why would they just leave?

I am humbled to say that I was wrong. For months I fought it, afraid to fail. And then one day proved it was time to go. And as I have heard many women describe—and now know for myself . . . divorce is sometimes God’s answers to our prayers.  It is just as brave as staying, just a different kind. With the same leap of faith required of us to love, sometimes He asks us to move forward in ways we never thought possible—or right. He asks us to bravely walk away from something He once gave us strength to fight for. Sometimes the things that feel like a curse, are really a blessing. 

Blessed? Yes. Answers from our Heavenly Father, though they don’t always make sense in the moment . . . are always right. 

So I know some of you are thinking, “Yeah sure God told you to get divorced—l am sure He wants to break up families.” And that’s ok. I have thought that many times too in the past. And hopefully one day you won’t have to go through such a humbling lesson as I have the last seven months. But what I want you to know is that God has a plan for each of us, and they all look different. And that is beautiful. 

So today I want to tell you some of the stories of the blessings that have followed my leap of faith to move forward—again—down a different path than I had planned. 

It started the night I knew I had to get divorced. I left Teage’s basketball game with a car full of five kids, not sure where we going to sleep that night. My heart hurt, but I was full of peace. I text my sisters and asked them to meet at Ali’s house. My brother-in-law Will gave me a blessing. In more than one way the blessing told me that I was going to have a few really hard days, and then I needed to have faith in the plan. That was one thing I knew I could do. 

The next month was full of some really hard days—some a little scary. Finally the divorce was final and the kids and I got to move back in the house. The next weekend my friend Alesha Penland came to visit. (You guys might remember her. She has told her story a few times at A Reason to Stand. She lives in Utah and her infant son Lincoln was killed four years ago at a day care center). She and I actually became friends through email after Lincoln’s murder and met for the first time at the Ogden “A Reason to Stand” conference a few months later. 

But anyway, she came to visit with her cute daughter. On the way down she called and said, “Ok . . . I have been thinking all day and when I was in the temple this morning I kept thinking—You have nothing keeping you in Idaho, and lots of reasons why you should move to Utah. Just going to throw that out there. I think you should move to Utah.”

I replied—totally joking—, “Haha. Yeah. Maybe someday. You know what? Yeah. OK. You find me a nice guy in Utah—one who would want a divorced widow with five kids—and I am so there.”

Then she practically jumped through the phone and giddily said, “You know what? Oh my gosh, that’s what I am supposed to do. This guy—who lives by me and goes to my church. Ya. I am supposed to set you up with him.”

I started laughing, “Guy. Haha . NO. I was just kidding, I am not doing that whole dating thing for a LONG time. I was totally joking.”

She didn’t let it go. The whole weekend she talked about this friend of her husband’s named Scott who lived in her neighborhood, “He is 39, has never been married, he is the Elder’s quorum president in our ward, he is like the nicest guy I know. I know he has dated like a lot a lot, but has saved himself for the right one. Seriously, you have to come visit me and meet him.”

Finally I was like, “Honestly he sounds hideous, but maybe when I am ready I will humor you and come and meet him someday.”

Sunday morning she left my house, and by Monday night I got a text from her neighbor Scott. A few days later we talked on the phone. Every night that week we stayed up late talking and laughing, and by the weekend he was driving to Idaho to take me on a real date. 

You bet I was nervous. That day I checked in with my widow group and told them I had a date. They reminded me that I had made a vow to them that I would kiss at least 10 guys before I could officially start dating anyone. I laughed at the thought. I didn’t plan on dating anyone seriously for at least a year or two. 

And then there was a knock at my door. My date—who had traveled four hours—was here. He was adorable, way cuter than any of the pictures Alesha had shown me the weekend before. And he smelled amazing. 

We didn’t have a quiet moment the whole night. We laughed and talked until midnight like we had known each other for years. He told me the stories of dating for twenty years. And I told him my story of being a divorced widow with five kids—which ironically he had seen on TV a few times. Our paths were so very different, but we had so much in common. We had so much fun together. 

And the next day was the same. And so was the next day after that. 

So every weekend he made the trek to take me out. Everything was so natural, and the minute he met the kids they took him right in. He felt like a missing piece to a puzzle we had given up hope to complete. 

At the end of February the kids and I decided to drive his way. We went to a Jazz game and took a train down to temple square. We got to meet a few of his siblings and his parents. They were all so loving and made us feel right at home. 

One night his brother-in-law Chris pulled me a side while we were all cleaning up dinner and said, “Ok you want to know the truth about Scott?” I was thinking oh finally someone is going to tell me the deal why this amazing guy is still single.  He continued, “I have been in this family for thirteen years, and every time I hang out with Scott I think ‘How the hell is this guy not married? He is the coolest guy I know . . . and we kind of always just figured God was saving him for someone great . . . and we . . . we all hope that it is you.”

 (Double date with Alesha and Chris)

 Every week I fell a little more in love with him. Every night we talked on the phone until the early hours of the morning and every weekend we got to see each other. He would come down and stay at my neighbor’s or we would go to see him. 

We met up in Bear Lake for Emmett’s grandmas 90^th birthday and he met all of Emmett’s family. I think the moment I fell the most in love with him was watching him stand by Emmett’s graveside with us while he asked Emmett’s mom about everything on the grave and all the nicknames she had for him and her favorite memories of when Emmett was a kid. 

You never think when you are a kid you will ever have to stand at the grave of the man you created five kids with and hope that another man will be able to be confident enough to know you have a whole part of your life he wasn't apart of, but he can still love you. That weekend Scott showed me what that looked like. And I can say, it takes a real man to do this job. Those of you stepping in after death or divorce and loving, you are a brave and nobel group of individuals. I can't say I could do it so empathetically and with so much honor. But you do. Thank you. 

Another weekend we met in Las Vegas for the twins birthday and A Reason to Stand, and stayed with Emmett’s mom. One night we were sending balloons up to heaven and Bostyn handed hers to me. It said something like:

Dear Daddy Emmett,

We miss you every day and love you so much. Thank you for always watching over us. I know it was you that sent Scott into our lives. Thank you for being our angel and sending us one to be with us here on earth. He is so kind and good to us, and I am so glad you found him for our mom . . . and for us. I know Heavenly Father let you pick him for me. 

(Las Vegas A Reason to Stand)

Scott is made from a different mold. He is so kind. He is so steady. One of the weekends after I introduced him to the kids as he was driving away Tytus started crying. I was taken by surprise. I said, “Buddy why are you crying?” He said, “Because I want Scott to come back.” I said, “Oh man me too buddy. What do you like about him so much?” Tytus’ response made me cry, “Mom . . . can’t you see all the light angels that are with him?”

And that’s what I feel when I am around him. Light. Peace. Love. I feel whole. 

On Mother’s Day my people proposed to me.

And on June 22^nd Scott and I were married in the Ogden, Utah LDS temple. 

 I didn’t follow through with my vow. I didn’t kiss my ten guys, or go on dates for years. But I found my person. And the kids and I have never been this happy.

It’s pretty easy to stop believing in love, because love doesn’t always last on all the paths that we walk. And those we love aren't always kind. But your ability to love never dies, because we were created to love—as Christ does. 

A few hard days . . . and then faith in the plan.  When God closes a door, He opens a window. He is so good. He has blessed me in ways I never knew were possible. I have seen many miracles in the midst of what I assumed was failure. I am so thankful for a Father who knows more than I do. I am humbled by His plan. 

We are so blessed. I keep telling Scott one day we will write a book called Patiently and Impatiently Waiting. A divorced widow and 39-year-old single guy’s journey to love. He doesn’t think I am funny . . . but man what a ride we have been on to find each other. I am just so thankful he had the determination to wait for me, because there has been nothing in my life that has been so sweet. 

So you are now updated. OH and we moved to Utah. So there you have it. Life keeps moving forward and love is still possible. We are creatures worthy of giving and receiving love, no matter what our story.

Here is to new adventures and faith in a plan. God’s plan.  I trust Him and see His hand on all the broken roads that have led me here. A perfect mess that has been abundantly blessed. 

Now that I have updated you, I am going to be better about sharing my thoughts here. I took some time off to live life for me, but I am ready to share the light I have in my heart. I hope your roads have found you peace and light and I can’t wait to see everyone at my next event—which I haven’t planned yet, but still will be continuing with. And I am still working on my third book. Ok that’s a lie . . . I still plan on finishing my third book, and who knows maybe she has got a few more in there. 

Thank you for your support and love. It has been a nice break taking a step back, but man I have missed you guys. 

And Alesha, thank you for listening to that prompting to introduce us! You started something great. And Scott Boyson. Thank you for loving us. You really are an earthly angel and I am so glad you are ours.